


Live Through This

by Le_Muah



Category: Hockey RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pittsburgh Penguins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2017-12-03 17:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 44,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_Muah/pseuds/Le_Muah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sid's anxiety comes back, full force.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Description of panic episode could trigger some people.

Sid stares at the mirror as he tries to get his breathing under control. Seeing himself doesn't help, but he honestly doesn't think anything will at this point. His face is pale, his neck is flushed red and he's covered in sweat by now. His breathing keeps going from hyper to choking gasps and the pain is getting stronger. He locked himself in the bathroom, but he honestly didn't think it'd be this bad. 

He grips the counter as he tries to rationalize his way out of this. He's not dying, nobody's out to get him. Just breathe. He stares in the mirror, trying to control his breathing visually, by watching his chest. It's not working. He looks into his own eyes and sees himself, but younger. Much younger than the twenty-five year old man he is but just as scared.

There's vomit in the sink and his legs are getting tired, fast. White knuckles gripping the counter for all he's got as he shakes and tries to breathe. But he keeps on staring at his reflection, like it will help somehow.

Something bangs on the door - someone bangs on the door. Sid can feel the tears sting his eyes as he tries to choke out more breaths. It hurts, everything hurts. The room is getting smaller and the knocking is louder. He hears his name and it sounds like Satan. No - his father. "What?" he says out-loud, confused. He looks to the door and back, keeping his grip but his hands can't take it. He looks to the mirror and the tingling feeling take over his whole body and then it's blank.

His back feels cold and all he can see is white. "I'm dead," he rationalizes. He feels calm - or something. He can't describe it, but it's like flying. Everything is tingling, but it doesn't hurt. He's shivering, but not cold and he still can't breathe but he's not sure he's even trying. Things are still going around him, so he must not be dead. "Dying?" he asks. It's still loud, he's not sure if he hears footsteps or voices or both, but it's busy and it hurts to think about it. 

Out of nowhere something touches his face and Sid is scared again. Tries to scream, but he can't so he grunts and squirms as much as he can, jerking away from what was touching his face. It's trying to come back and he moves away again. Hands are on him, holding him down and - hands? People? He kicks his legs out, trying to knock himself free. It's on his face again and it gets bright, his eyes are opened and then nothing.

He blinks, thrashing free, but nothing is holding him down. Where did they go? He cringes at the pain in his head - there's a beep. A loud beep that sounds like - "Hospital?" he says out loud, hearing his own voice. He opens his eyes and it is a hospital.

"Sid," Sid hears his name. He turns to the noise, but cringes at the queasy his stomach feels. "Stay, Sid," Kris says, taking Sid's hand. The beeping gets faster and Sid looks around. "Shhh," Kris tries to calm him. The beep gets slower and he feels better. "What happened?" Sid asks. 

"Doctor said you had a major panic attack," Kris explains. He looks worried.

"I'm sorry," Sid apologises. Kris' face gets even more sad and Sid doesn't know what to say.

"What happened?" Kris asks. 

Sid shrugs. "I used to get them when I was younger," he answers. "I never really knew what set them off."

"Always that bad?" Kris asks. Sid can tell he's worried and he remembers that he had people over when it happened. Movie night with some of the guys. "Never that bad, really."

"Then why?"

"I don't remember," Sid answers.

"Is it because of me?" Kris asks. He looks like he's the one in the hospital.

"What would you have to do with my panic attacks?" Sid asks. 

"You don't remember?"

Sid nods. "Remember what?"

"I kissed you, Sid. Last night, we were talking in the kitchen and I kissed you," Kris confesses.

"What?" Sid asks. 

"I thought you were okay with it, Sid. I - you kissed back at first, then you stopped and Geno called you away," Kris explains. 

"Why did you kiss me?" Sid asks. 

"I like you?" Kris answers. "I thought you felt the same way, Sid - I didn't mean to freak you out."

Sid touches his lips and stares at Kris. The memory comes back and he remembers what happened. Kris had been hinting about liking him, but Sid wasn't sure what to think. After they kissed, Sid did freak out. Not because of Kris, though. "Sid?" Kris calls, worriedly looking at the machines as if they can answer him.

"I was afraid that I'm gay," Sid says out loud. Kris stays silent and looks at him. "I've never been overly interested in girls, but I just thought when the right one came along," Sid explains. 

"Sid, I kissed you - that doesn't mean you're gay."

"I am, though. That's why I freaked out. Kissing you - everything finally clicked. I felt alive, I felt honest, I felt free and, well, turned on," Sid admits. The monitor picks up pace a little bit and Kris eyes the door, making sure nothing is wrong. 

"So I made you freak out?" Kris asks. 

"No," Sid answers, "maybe? I don't blame you."

"Are you okay with it?" Kris asks. 

"I don't know. I mean, I suspected for a while, but it changes things, you know?"

"Did it change how you feel about me?" Kris asks. The beep speeds up a bit and Sid blushes. 

"No," Sid shakes his head. "I already knew I liked you, I was just hoping it would go away, you know? You were good to me, I thought I was seeing something because you were a friend."

Kris smiles. "You like me?" He asks. Sid nods and Kris leans in. "What if I kissed you again?" he asks. The beeping gets faster and Kris kisses Sid again. This time, when Sid kisses back, he doesn't pull away. He relaxes into the kiss and Kris brings his hand up to Sid's cheek. "I don't want this to just go away again," Kris says.

Sid can tell that Kris looks worried again, so he sits up and kisses Kris this time, threading his fingers into Kris' hair and tugging a little. "I've wanted to do that for so long," Sid bites his lip. 

They're both laughing when the nurse comes in. "Feeling better, Sidney?" she asks. Sid nods and his cheeks are a little red from the laughter, but he looks so much better than the night before. "Does he seem better?" the nurse asks Kris. 

"Much better," Kris answers. "When can he leave?"

"Well, he can leave now if he's feeling up to it," she answers. "We do request that he's not left alone for a night or two, just to make sure this doesn't happen again," she adds.

"He can stay with me," Kris offers. "It's no problem," he adds, glaring when Sid tried to object. 

When the nurse leaves, Kris leans to Sid's level "I don't want to rush you or push you into anything," he says.

Sid smiles at Kris and kisses him again. "You're not pushing me into anything."

"Sid, you're just figuring things out. Don't you think it's a little soon to rush into things?" Kris asks. Sid shrugs. "Not really. I mean, we hang out all the time, this will just have more kissing and stuff, right?"

Kris laughs. "If you're sure."

"I'll be more sure if you get me out of this hospital," Sid jokes.

"Leave it to you to make asking a guy out this interesting," Kris rolls his eyes.

"Puking all over myself is not interesting," Sid defends. 

"Guess not," Kris agrees. "But it's one hell of a first date, no?"

"Let's just get home," Sid glares.


	2. It's Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid and Kris take a big step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had no idea where this would go when I started... sorry if it sucks.

They manage to make it three weeks before anybody notices anything. Mainly because they hide behind the doctor's suggestion of Sid not being alone and, really, nobody is willing to question Kris on keeping Sid as a house mate on the chances of him being dropped on their laps. He is a nice guy, great teammate, but horrible house guest. Even Mario didn't question it. Mind you he had dealt with Sidney's attacks in his earlier seasons and knew how he could get. Sid wasn't the type of guy to ask for help, even if he was gasping for air in the bathroom. He needed to be watched, taken care of. 

It was really only necessary for a day or two, though. Which is why they stop going home together after the third day. If they meet up later and play video games, eat pizza, and kiss; that isn't anyone's business. They've been doing pretty well with keeping their status on the down-low for the most part. Three weeks isn't bad, especially for Kris, who is the second worst secret keeper on the team (Geno is technically the worst, but that might be because he just doesn't get what should and shouldn't be mentioned).

Cookie being the one to find out first is kind of horrifying. Not because he's as big of a dick as he acts on ice, but more because of the awkward moment you're interrupted holding hands and staring into each other's eyes. It's not even something they do a lot, but Sid is having an off day and his chest was feeling a little tight. Apart from making out, Kris really did learn how to manage Sid's anxiety with him - so he really was trying to get him past an attack when Cooke came in.

But it doesn't look like that. Not when they're that close and holding hands and Kris isn't sure if Matt came in before or after he let 'I love you' slip from his lips. It's not something he uses to calm Sidney; he's never said it before, but it just felt right. But now they're standing, facing Matt and Sid starts to panic again.

Kris isn't sure which situation to deal with, so he just yells at Matt to help him with Sid. They lay him down and Kris moves Sid into his lap and starts rubbing slow circles on Sid's chest. "Sid, it's okay. I'm here, Cookie's here - you're okay," he starts, eyes not leaving Matt. Matt's just staring at Sid, though, trying to help him as much as Kris. "Can you get water?" Kris asks. Matt leaves and he can hear Kris whisper something to Sid while he's leaving. 

He comes back and Sid looks a little better and takes the water, thanking Matt for his help. 

Sid gets through his panic attack and Kris sends him to talk to the trainer, leaving him alone with Matt.

"Relax, Tanger, I'm not going to rat you out," Matt rolls his eyes, giving Kris a shove in the arm. "Take care of him," he adds, leaving the room.

.

Kris asks Sid what he thinks about telling people, but the conversation doesn't really get far. It's a big step, but Sid doesn't shut down the idea. He just tells Kris it's not a big deal if people find out, but he thinks it wouldn't be a good move to just go out and tell people. Not yet, at least. Things could change, but Sid's happy with just them being together. 

But then they're in the dressing room before they play the Rangers and Sid hears someone say 'at least that annoying faggot is off the team' as they get ready to go out. He can't tell who it is - the statement catches him off guard, but he looks to Kris and Kris heard it too. Then Brooks slaps Niskanen and glares "What's your problem, man?"

"I'm just saying, it's good Avery isn't there anymore," Niskanen defends himself. Brooks is still glaring and Sid just finishes getting ready. "Not my fault he's a fag," he adds.

"That's enough," Cooke chimes in. A discussion over "fag-bashing" occurs. There's some pushing and shoving in that corner and Sid can feel Kris' eyes staring at him.

"Guys," Sid yells, getting everyone's attention but the shoving continues in the corner and Sid can't take it anymore. It's either have a panic attack or scream and he chooses the latter and simply shouts. "I'm gay, so you'll all have to deal."

It's not quite the way he imagined coming out to his team, but it got the guys at the back to stop shoving and it shut everyone up. Kris ducks his head down and Sid pretends it doesn't hurt - just a little. He understands, though. 

"I didn't know," Niskanen says. Brooks elbows him in the gut and Sid can see his eyes ready for Matt to say something stupid. "I wasn't being serious, Orp-dick," he defends, "I just fucking hate Avery."

"We all do, ass-hat, that doesn't mean he's gay and if he was, it wouldn't have anything to do with why he's annoying as fuck," Brooks replies. "Kind of the whole meaning behind 'You Can Play', isn't it?"

"I mean, I guess," Matt answers. "I have nothing against gay people, Sid. I didn't mean it like that."

"Good," Sid says.

Dan walks in as he says that and looks at Sid. "What's good?" He looks around, then back to Sidney - where everyone else is staring (except Kris).

"I'm gay, sir," Sid answers. He stands up straighter than he normally does, trying to prepare for...something. But Dan just kind of nods. "Alright," Dan says, finally.

"Alright?" Sid asks.

"I don't discriminate against my players; I thought you'd have known that, Sidney," Dan answers. "Though, I take it this wasn't a planned speech?"

"Nisky called Avery a fag, Brooks tried to kill him and Sid came out," Flower fills him in. 

"I see," Dan nodded. "Matt?"

"I said sorry," Niskanen defended. "I didn't know. Or mean it that way."

"Alright, well now that it's out there; does anyone else have anything to say?" Dan asks. 

"I'm gay, too," Kris says, finally meeting Sid's eyes. 

"Jesus," Flower laughs, "Are you two dating?"

"Oui," Kris answers. Marc is at a loss for words and everybody is just as silent. 

"Now that we know more about Sid and Kris' personal lives, does that settle things? Can we get out for warm ups?" Dan asks, impatiently.

"Yeah," Some guys say as they head to the ice. Sid and Kris are about to leave, but Dan stops them. "I really wish you would run things by me before shouting them out like that," Dan explains. "That being said, Mario will probably want to talk to you after practice tomorrow. In the mean time, go play hockey."

Sid and Kris look at each other, but don't say anything. They just nod and head to the ice.

.

Kris and Sid spend the night panicking about what Mario will say. They take turns between trying to pick which team they're best suited for in even of a trade and what kind of media thing they'll have to do to compensate for being unprofessional.

They finally decide that it's better to wait and see. Naturally, neither of them sleep. They both stay awake, silently worrying about what will happen.

When they get there, Mario smiles at them. "I hear you two have something to tell me?"

"We're dating," Sid answers. Kris stares at him, but Mario doesn't look surprised. 

"Since the attack?" Mario asks.

"I kind of set off the attack," Kris admits. "I kissed him and he freaked out," he explains. Mario looks like he wants to laugh, but doesn't. Not that they can blame him, that is kind of pathetic. Not that Kris thinks Sid is pathetic. 

The rest of the conversation went about as normal as talking to Mario fucking Lemieux about being in a relationship with a teammate could go. There are a lot of awkward pauses and laughs, but they get through it. Mario gives them the talk - not about sex, obviously. The media talk. It's a close second to the sex talk in Sid's experience.

He asks them if either are interested in You Can Play. He looks at Sid. Of course he does, Sid would be the perfect poster-boy for YCP. He's already the poster-boy for the NHL. He gives them time to think it over and the meeting is done. Sid looks like he could throw up at any moment, though.

Kris takes Sid to the bench and slides his arm around him and moves close. "You okay?" Kris asks. Sid nods and Kris kisses Sid's cheek. "Don't worry so much."

"He just gave us the green light to tell the whole world we're gay," Sid says.

"Well, it's becoming a big movement," Kris offers. "And you coming out would be a huge deal, it would show that it's not just small-talk to make the league look good."

"Are you saying we should come out?" Sid asks. 

"We haven't been together that long, but we could. We don't have to say we're together, but if you can handle the media being in our faces for a bit, why not? It could help some people out, right?" Kris suggests.

"Who would that help out?" Sid asks.

"You said yourself that you struggled with being gay," Kris answers. "We could help someone who doesn't feel right about themselves."

"What if things don't work out, but people assume we're together and then realize that we were, but then we -" Sid starts, but Kris kisses him quiet. "Sid, if that happened we would deal with it. But if you don't want to tell, we don't have to."

"I want to because it will help people," Sid says. "But I don't know if I can handle it. I already have so much media in my face, it's not normal. I feel paranoid and anxious because of it. Maybe one day, maybe if other people come out, but I'm just not ready to have to deal with that."

"Sid, I never want you to be in that position. If you want to tell people, we can. But if you have any doubts or anything, we won't," Kris says. Sid blushes and kisses Kris. 

"Besides," Kris adds after, "I think my mom would kill me if I didn't let her know first."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid brings Kris home and it's exactly what he expected.

Kris' joke about telling his mother doesn't seem like a joke to Sid. Mainly because Sid's never really had a relationship get that far. He doesn't know if it's normal or if he should tell his parents too. He tries talking to Geno about it, but he doesn't really understand. Geno's told everything to his mother, so the fact Sid's mother hasn't made Kris soup yet is a little odd to him. 

Maybe if Sid's mother could make borsch like that, she would have. But that's not the point. Geno's not gay, anyway and that would probably change things. A lot.

Sid goes to Flower next. He's more helpful than Geno, but he doesn't have an answer for Sid. Marc knows Sid's parents, but he can't say how they would react to having a gay son sleeping with a teammate. When they're done all the pros and cons they're going to do, Flower just tells him to talk to Kris. 

Kris laughs at Sid when he explains that he talked to Geno and Flower about it. Not because it wasn't a serious question, but more because Geno and Flower know nothing about relationships, let alone telling parents about them. Sid listens to Kris explain their relationship and a long theory of what makes them different. He offers valid points and the fact that Sid listens to each of them is proof alone that they're more than just a fling. 

Kris likes to talk. He rambles. A lot. But Sid listens to all of it (most of the time). Sid's not perfect at it, but he's got Kris down pretty well. When they're finished talking, Sid agrees that they'll tell Kris' parents first, since they're easier to deal with. 

But not until the summer. Hockey is far more important than things like telling parents. 

.

Sid calls his mom after the Pens are kicked out of the playoffs in the second round and tells her he's bringing someone home. 

She asks who the lucky girl is, but he just tells her it's a surprise. As if he would have that conversation over the phone. Kris stifles a laugh while he listens to them talk.

"I'm going to meet Sidney Crosby's parents," Kris exclaims dramatically after Sid hangs up.

"You know my parents."

"Not like this, I don't," Kris corrects. "They don't know I'm doing their son," he points out.

Sid cringes at that. "Maybe don't say you're doing me. I think the implication is bad enough."

"Okay, but still. And your sister better be nice to me," Kris adds, poking Sid in the chest.

"I'll tell her to behave," Sid agrees.   
.

There's a bit of awkwardness when Sid talks to his dad before they show up and he asks what her name is. "Kris," Sid answers, not correcting his father on the gender noun.

When they get to the airport, Taylor is the only one waiting. "Where's mom?" Sid asks. Taylor just grins, "I told mom I would only behave if I could pick you up."

"You drove here?" Sid asks, shocked.

"I have my permit," Taylor answers. "And I've been taking lessons, so don't try to say no."

"Just keep in mind I'm the reason you have a college fund when you try to murder me."

"Fuck you," Taylor chirps. "And where is this girlfriend I've been hearing about?"

"Um, you know Kris, right?" Sid introduces. Kris smiles and Taylor's expression goes blank.

"You're dating him?" Taylor asks. "As in a guy? You're gay?"

Sid bites his lip and nods. "Dad is going to flip," Taylor observes.

"I know, but I don't care," Sid replies. "It's not like it will change because he doesn't approve."

"You know I love you, right?" Taylor asks. It's a serious question and she has a serious face, so Sid just nods. "Love you, too," he answers.

"As for you?" Taylor turns to Kris, "I think I can handle another brother," she grins.

"I sense evil," Kris laughs.

"Not entirely," Taylor accepts the charge. "Shall we be off?" She asks, dangling the keys. They both nod and follow Taylor to the car.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive?" Sid asks. Taylor just glares and tells him to get in the back with Kris. Reluctantly, he agrees. 

The drive is surprisingly smooth and Taylor actually does follow the rules of the road - possibly more than Sid does, but she doesn't need to know about that. As she pulls up the driveway, Sid starts to get nervous and he starts hoping that maybe she'll crash into the house and they'll forget all about Kris being there. Unfortunately, she parks and they're all safe. 

Kris smiles at him as he starts to get out of the car. This is it, there's no going back. He may actually be disowned by his father in seconds. "Relax," Kris whispers. Taylor gives them a shy smile and kisses Sid on the cheek. "You're my hero," she says, patting him on the shoulder. Sid forces a smile as he trails after her into the house. 

Taylor goes into the kitchen and seconds later, their mother is front and centre. "Sidney," she greets, giving him a hug. "And Kris?" She asks. She's met him before and Sid isn't sure if his father told her a name or not.

"Yes, ma'am," Kris answers softly.

"Is dad here?" Sid asks, ignoring the obvious question.

"He just stepped out to the store," she answers. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Sid answers. "Mom, Kris is my boyfriend," he adds.

Sid can see Taylor biting her lip, seeming just as nervous as them. "Oh," she pauses. "Sidney," she tries again. "Why didn't you say?"

"I didn't know what you'd think," Sid answers honestly.

"It wasn't me you were worried about, was it?" She asks. Sid nods and stares at the floor. "Sidney," she starts again, "your father loves you. It won't change anything," she assures him. Sid isn't overly convinced, but he smiles.

They go into the family room and have some tea while they wait for Troy to come home. Sid can tell his mom is nervous, even if she won't admit it. Taylor takes care of small talk, choosing to ask Kris about a million questions. What's even more amazing is that she sticks to hockey and training-related questions.

Kris is in the middle of explaining why she shouldn't follow Sid's lead in nutrition during the season when Troy finally comes back.

"Sid here yet?" He calls from the doorway. Sid comes out to help bring stuff to the kitchen. "Where's the lucky girl?" He asks, smiling at Sid.

"About that," Sid starts, "Kris is my boyfriend."

"Boy?" Troy asks. "Are you- you're-" he pauses, staring at Sid.

"I'm gay, dad," Sid clarifies impatiently.

"A boyfriend doesn't have to mean you're gay, you could be bisexual," Troy points out, adding "or just a phase, right?"

"Not for me," Sid answers. His eyes start to sting and he's glad he told Kris to stay in the family room for this.

"You don't know that, Sidney. I mean, you used to hate broccoli and now you love it," Troy tries. Sid fights back the tears and takes a deep breath before saying anything. "It's not broccoli."

"You said you'd never in a million years like it, but you ended up liking it once you gave it a chance and tried it, right?"

"Dad, this isn't me being stubborn over vegetables," Sid shouts, "I've had sex with women before, I've tried to be straight. But I'm happy with who I am and I'm happy being with Kris."

Troy doesn't say anything, not right away. He looks at Sid in silence until he just sighs. "What do you want me to say?" He asks.

"That you love me and accept me," Sid answers.

Troy shakes his head and sighs again. "I may not be happy with it, but it doesn't mean I don't love you."

"How can you love me if you don't want me to be happy?" Sid asks.

"Have I told you not to see him? Have I said anything of the sort? You make your own decisions, but don't let it fuck up your career," Troy shouts again. 

"I've known I was gay since I was twelve, accepted it when I was eighteen, but still tried to be straight because I knew how you would react," Sid says. "I wasn't worried about mom or Taylor, but I knew you would find a way to make that - who I am - difficult for me."

"Sidney," Troy starts, but Sid shakes his head. "No, I'm tired of your bullshit, dad," Sid replies, staring down his father. There's a harsh tension in the room and Sid's trying not to just deck him like he's always wanted to. All the emotions he's been holding onto are coming to surface and then Kris is there and puts his arm around Sid's shoulders. He relaxes into Kris' body, momentarily dropping his father from his mind. 

"I'm guessing  _this_  is Kris?" Troy asks. 

"Yeah, I'm Kris," Kris answers, gripping Sid's shoulder. "I was just having tea with your wife and daughter, did I miss something?" he asks, daring Troy to say something. 

"Nothing," Troy answers. Sid is still glaring at him and Kris can't blame him, but he also doesn't want Sid to be in a bad mood. 

"Listen," Kris starts, "I'm not trying to make you the bad guy - Sid just wants you to accept who he is. He doesn't want to fight with you, he wants you to care."

"Kris," Sid tries, but Kris just shakes his head. "No, Sid. I'm tired of seeing you sad because of him."

"I'm not," Sit protests, but doesn't say anything else. He knows better than to lie to Kris, especially to protect his father. "You're right."

"He's turned you against me?" Troy defends himself. 

"No, dad," Sid answers. "I haven't been able to trust you since I was a kid."

"What do you mean you haven't been able to trust me?" Troy demands. Sid wants to flip out all over again, but Kris just shakes his head and Sid knows he needs to walk away.

"I always knew mom loved me for me, not my potential," Sid says as he and Kris walk back to the family room. Taylor's face is red and wet, Sid notices her hide her face behind a cushion on the couch. Sid leaves Kris' side to give her a hug. He knows she's sensitive when it comes to their parents and fighting, so he can only imagine this hurts for her as much as it does for him.

Only, Sid doesn't feel that bad. He's sorry Kris, Taylor and his mom had to hear it, but he knew his dad would be like that and had written him off years ago. He still wanted to be wrong, but he's not hurt by it, not anymore.

"It doesn't change anything between us, Taylor. You and mom mean the world to me, okay?" Sid says, hoping it'll calm her down. She's just a teenager, one with enough on her plate as it is, he just hopes she doesn't end up paying for being Troy's kid like he did.

That, he keeps to himself. Taylor hugs him tightly and rests her head on his shoulder. He can hear swearing in the other room and then their front door slams. 

"Sidney," his mother tries, but Sid shakes his head. He knows it isn't her fault and he knows it's his father's house. "We'll stay at my place," Sid says, saving her having to ask him not to stay. He knows it isn't because of him. "Taylor can come too, if she wants," 

Taylor does go with them. She stays the night and Sid drives her home in the morning while Kris phones his mom. On the drive back, Taylor asks Sid about them some more - most of her questions were asked the previous night, but she asks Sid if it's worth it, being out. There are a lot of ways Sid could answer that, but the only one he can think of is 'it was not and will never be a  mistake to be honest, especially to family.' Taylor nods and Sid hopes she really understands.   
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid and Kris go to Quebec and it feels...weird.

After a couple days of Sid and Kris dodging Sid's father in order to see Taylor and his mother, Sid's had enough of Cole Harbour. He's taken both his mom and sister out to lunch a couple times, both with Kris and alone, but it doesn't feel the same. Kris tells him it'll change, it'll get better, but he knows it won't. They both know. With Sid's father in the picture, his mom will never be able to openly, fully accept him like she does on their lunches. He can always make an excuse to get Taylor to Pittsburgh or something, but it still won't be the same.

And he's not upset about that, not really. He hated living a lie. He always knew he would come out - just as soon as he was with someone who meant something. Kris meant something, so he knew he had to do it.

"How do you think it'll go with your mom?" Sid asks as he starts packing, ready to leave Cole Harbour.

"She already knows," Kris admits. "Not about you. Actually, kind of about you. She knows I like you, but she doesn't know we're together?"

"How does she know you like me?" Sid asks.

"I've liked you for a while? I told you that," Kris shrugs, but Sid isn't letting it go. "Fine, I told my mom I liked you and when we started seeing each other, I told her. I tell her everything, though, so don't feel that special," Kris admits.

"What about your stepfather?" Sid asks.

"He knows I'm gay, but I'm not sure if my mom would've told him about you," Kris shrugs.

Great, Sid thought, Kris had to endure Sid's asshole of a father and Kris had two accepting parents. "It's not a competition," Kris adds, as if reading Sid's thoughts.

"You can stop reading my thoughts at any time," Sid groans.

"Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure you out sometimes," Kris replies. "My family is plenty disordered; you have nothing to worry about."

Sid wishes that were comforting, but he just worries if he's good enough for Kris.

When they get to Kris' place, Christiane, Kris’ mom, has food and drinks ready for them and she greets Sid like she always had, with a smile and a hug. It's like it isn't weird that they're suddenly a couple.

They talk a little, but it's mostly about hockey and their trip. Sid is waiting for the other shoe to drop and crush him. It almost doesn't seem fair, how well things are going.

And then Michel, Kris’ stepfather comes home and Sid thinks this will be the other shoe. And then he introduces himself and welcomes Sid into his home. It doesn't feel right. Things are never this easy. "You do realize I'm dating Kris, right?"

"Yes," Kris' mom answers, "We're happy for you two."

"Really?" Sid asks, still unsure. Kris' mom sits beside Sid and places her arm around his shoulders. "Yes, Sidney. We love Kris, and we respect his feelings. You're not hard to like, either."

Sid nods, but it still feels too easy. "Kris told us about your dad," Kris' stepfather admits, "It is unacceptable to react that way and we are both sorry that you had to go through that."

"You told them?" Sid asks. Kris nods and Sid sighs. "I love my parents," he says, a little defensive.

"We're not saying you don't - or that you shouldn't, just that it shouldn't matter," Kris' mom explains.

Sid admits a comforting defeat. "It's not fair that you have parents that accepting," he says to Kris later.

"Yes it is," Kris retorts, "I think every kid deserves that. It's not fair that you have to deal with your father."

Once again, Kris is right. Sid thinks about if he had a son, he would love him no matter what. He would want him to feel comfortable enough to talk about sex or sexuality, even if that's a hard topic to cover. Parents should be the ones you tell everything, not the ones you keep everything from. Not the ones you fear.

Sid thinks about it more that night, when they’ve gone to bed. They’re both sleeping in Kris’ old room – which is only half as awkward as Sid expected. They basically came over, said they’re together and Kris’ parents have no problem with them sharing a room. Mind you, Kris was in a sleeping bag on the floor. Even if they wanted to, his bed was too small for two full-grown men. Sid won the coin-toss.

He never really thought about kids, though. His life has always been about hockey, but now that he’s with Kris… he’s been thinking more about the future. Not kids, really, but now that it’s on his mind, he can’t get it out. Does he want kids? Does Kris want kids? Would they even be together that long?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris just wants to make everything better.

_Troy stares at him in disappointment as Sidney skates back to the bench. Not good enough, that's what he'll say after the game. They're up 5-2 and Sidney just got his second assist of the night and it's not good enough. Never good enough._

_He yells at Sidney after the game, right in front of his teammates, his friends. Not only insulting Sidney, but insulting the other boys. They can hear, Sidney knows. He's never been so embarrassed, except that he has. His father wants him to know respect, know he's not good enough until he's the best. Even if it means being called a loser in front of your friends._

_Sidney can feel his face heat up, his chest tighten up. He looks around, anywhere but at his father and he can't breathe. It hurts. He feels dizzy and the walls are getting smaller, closing in and he feels sick. "Dad!"_

The room is bright again when he opens his eyes. He's not at the rink, he's in a bed. He's back at Kris' parent's house and he's not a kid anymore. Sid watches his chest rise and fall as he tries to catch his breath. He's shaking and covered in sweat and it's not until a cloth is placed on his head that he realizes Kris is there with him. He feels anxious and all that he can remember was... What can he remember?

"You started talking in your sleep," Kris fills in. Sid gives him a worried look, but doesn't answer. "I woke up and you were groaning and sweating," Kris adds.

"I'm sorry," Sid sighs. He feels uncomfortable, so exposed. Every time he has these dreams he wakes up feeling like maybe he said something he never wanted to. Not to mention the sweat being physically uncomfortable.

Kris sits beside him, wraps his arms around Sid and kisses his cheek. "Don't be sorry," Kris replies. "Are you alright, though? Do you want to have a shower or something?"

"Yeah," Sid sighs. He stands up and follows Kris to the bath room where Kris hands him a towel. "I'll be down stairs if you need me," Kris offers, giving Sid one more kiss before leaving him to shower. 

Sid turns the water hot once he's under the spray. He stares at the water rolling down his skin, spreads his fingers so the water flows off. The heat against his back feels good, easing his muscles from their tight state. He rolls his shoulders and bends his neck under the water, letting it work on his muscles. He tries to keep his mind off the dream, but it doesn't take long before he's staring at his ten year old self, taking shit from his father. The next thing he knows, his skin is red and the steam is surrounding the room. He shuts off the water and towels down.

Once he pulls on some clothes, he heads down stairs to see Kris. "Feeling better?" Kris asks. Sid shrugs, because he is and he isn't. Kris gives him a hug and asks if he wants to go outside and talk. Sid looks over to Kris' mother in the living room and nods. "We're going out on the porch, maman," Kris says as they head outside. 

"I want to help you through your problems. I don't want you to struggle with this alone," Kris says as they sit on the bench outside.

Sid just nods. He doesn't know what to say. He just leans into Kris and tries to organize his thoughts.

"I know you're not used to it, but I've always talked about my problems, either with my friends or family," Kris continues, "I don't want to force you, but I think it would help you to talk to me."

Sid nods. He wonders where to start. "Last night just got me thinking," he starts. "About a lot of things, you know? Just, my dad, my family is so different from yours."

"Sid, that's not your fault," Kris starts.

"I know, but it isn't just my dad. I mean, yeah, he's an ass and I wish things were different, but after meeting your parents... it got me thinking about what I would want a kid to feel," Sid explains. He wants to say more, but he isn't sure he should.

"And?" Kris asks.

"I would want a kid to feel secure and trust us, you know?" Sid answers. "I spent so much time hiding myself for my dad's benefit, trying not to let him down. A lot of my anxiety is because of him, I don't want to be like that."

Kris smiles at that, rubbing Sid's back. "Sid, you're nothing like that. He let you down, not the other way around."

Sid nods and bites his lip. "It took me years to realize it  _wasn't_  my fault," he says, voice broken. "I used to have panic attacks at night, before or after games. I was worried I would let him down  _again_ , see his angry face. The one almost always reserved for me."

"Sid," Kris sighs. "I'm so sorry." 

"The dreams, the dreams feel like I'm a kid again, like he's there all over again, hating me and despising me, and," Kris kisses Sid quiet. He can feel Sid's muscles relax from their tensed state right away. "I don't want you to feel that way ever again."

"I can't help it," Sid sighs.

"I know, but I want to try and help you, make it better."

"You do make me feel better. I just, I don't know. I'm still confused or something," Sid offers.

"I want to un-confuse you," Kris smiles, pressing his lips to Sid's neck, sucking lightly. Sid relaxes into Kris' body, reciprocating the gesture and nipping lightly at Kris' neck. "We probably shouldn't make out on my front porch, though," Kris laughs. Sid groans, but pulls away and leans into Kris again. "Feeling any better?" Kris asks. 

"Yeah," Sid nods. He thinks he should mention the other part of the dreams, the other part of his thoughts, but he doesn't want to scare him. So he smiles and takes Kris' hand. 

"There's breakfast if you want it," Kris' mom invites them inside. Sid agrees, standing up as soon as food is mentioned. Kris chuckles a bit, but follows him inside. "We can talk more later, if you want," Kris says before they sit down. His mother dishes out their breakfast and sits down with them. It's nice, and they're together and best of all, Sid is eating home cooked food. Kris makes a mental note to cook for Sid, because he's almost glowing at the stuff in front of him. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris tries to distract Sidney, but sometimes that's not enough.

Kris talks Sid into lazing about for the majority of the day. It took a lot of convincing, since they had some plans, but Kris finally got him to agree that staying home, possibly cuddling (and so on) is the best option, given Sid's anxious mood.

Eating helps - it always does - but it isn't all better. The thoughts don't just go away, and while Sid doesn't want to talk about it just yet, at least not in front of Kris' parents, it's still better to take it easy.

Easy, as it turns out, quickly escalates into distracting. Kris realizes Sid isn't relaxed and he moves on to plan B, which is to make him relax. Kris moves in and presses his lips against Sid's, which seems to help. It doesn't take much effort to move forward with the 'distraction', Sid is easily moved to his back and Kris moves up beside him, holding him and toying with the hem of his shirt.

Sid loves it when Kris takes the lead. He loves the way Kris moves him, moves on him, and caresses him. "Kris," Sid moans with Kris' knee between his legs, pressing against his groin.

"Sidney," Kris moans back, going after Sid's belt. They take off their shirts and then their pants, and Sid can feel the intensity of Kris' eyes, staring right into his and their bodies moving together. "Lube, fuck," Sid chokes out, grinding into Kris' hip. Kris kisses him twice, sucking on his bottom lip before he reaches to get the lube from the dresser. "You knew we'd need it?" Sid laughs.

"Had my suspicions," Kris answers. He starts kissing Sid's neck and chest, keeping contact limited as he teases him to the point of a whimper. They can't be too loud, with Kris' parents in the main house. Hell, they are lucky his mom actually got around to setting up the guesthouse so they didn't have to stay in his old room. However, Kris still intends to have his own fun.

Sid groans against Kris' throat as Kris finally starts to work his hands lower. Kris opens the lube and takes Sid's dick in his hands, making him almost scream. Thankfully, Kris thinks of that and covers his mouth with his own. Sid is following the motions of Kris' hand. He shuts his eyes for a moment, which turns out to be enough time for Kris to get his dick in there and work them both together. His mind goes blank as Kris stares into his eyes once again, erasing thought completely. There is just Kris and Sid, together.

Sid stops making noise at that point, the sounds of their bodies moving and breathing the only sounds in the room. Sid’s mouth is open, slack to the force of his senses overcome as they stare into each other's eyes.  "Sid, fuck," Kris chokes out, breaking the silence. Sid raises his arms and threads his fingers through Kris' sweat-slick hair.

Kris brakes eye contact, resting his head on Sid's shoulder for a moment before pressing their lips together and going for another kiss. This time it’s rough and messy, completely different from the one that started this. Both of them thrusting into Kris' hand, against each other and Kris starts pressing harder against Sid, causing more friction as he moves his hand to rub their heads together, with a few extra gestures. It only takes a little longer before they both give in and come, breathlessly between themselves.

Kris collapses beside Sid, moving just enough to avoid crushing him. "Fuck," he sighs.

"Yeah," Sid agrees.

"Drink or shower?" Kris asks, trying to catch his breath. They are bordering on disgusting; sweat mixed with other bodily fluids coating their skin, but they’re also relatively dehydrated.  At least Kris is.

"Cups are in the bathroom?" Sid asks, not attempting to move. He learned not long ago that Kris has a way of making him immobile in ways no other man could, using just his hand.

Kris nods a quick yes and slowly pulls himself from the bed, dragging Sid along with him to the bathroom. Sid pours two cups of water as Kris gets everything else ready. They drink their water before hopping into the shower. It doesn't take long for washing to turn into a game of who can stay under the spray for longer, but even that just turns into a make out session.

Kris loves to feel Sid's body. His muscles are so nice, he smells so good, and he can't get enough of him. Neither can go for a second round, so it’s all light touching and kisses before they finally get down to actually cleaning up.

Once they get out, neither really wants to do much else, so they quickly change the sheets and put a movie on to watch until dinner. Sid tries to watch the movie, but his eyes don't want to stay open and he falls asleep before the previews are over.

_Sid stares at his son in anger. He's not working hard enough, it's like he wants to fail._

_"Get in the van," Sid says, heartlessly as he points down the arena to the door. Adrien treads his way out of the arena, looking like he just ran over his dog. If he had a dog, but Sid wouldn't trust that with him._

_They get in the van and Sid starts to lecture him on the importance of practising and how he has to work to be the best. Now that he's made a name for himself, Adrian has to as well, to carry on the tradition. He's talking, more like yelling, at him when he hears himself, catches his eyes in the mirror and they're cold, lifeless. He's ordering his son around and not caring at all about how his son feels._

_Just as he stops and takes a look at his son, about to say the sorry his father never gave him, a car comes out of nowhere and -_

"Sid!"

Sid jerks awake, falling off the bed. "Sid, fuck, what's wrong?" Kris asks.

"Adrian," Sid says, before he can stop himself. Of course, it was only a dream. It still feels so real, though. The tears in his eyes _are_ real.

"Who?" Kris asks, confused and equally worried.

“There’s another part to my dreams,” Sid admits, sitting up. “There’s the dreams of memories where I’m a kid and he’s yelling at me, but there are other dreams,” he adds. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“Sid, why didn’t you tell me?” Kris asks. Sid shrugs. “I was scared.”

“Of what?”

“It’s about being a father,” Sid answers. “In the dreams, I’m just like my father and I’m just giving it to my kid, just yelling at him heartlessly. It’s different almost every time, but it always ends in an accident just as I’m about to tell him sorry and try to make things better.”

“Accident?” Kris asks.

“The last one is the most frequent one, I guess. We’re in the car, this time after I yell at him in an arena. I’m bitching at him about everything and then I look at myself in the mirror and back at him. It’s not his fault, I’m just taking it out on him. I go to tell him I’m sorry, that I don’t mean the things I’ve said, when a car comes out of nowhere and,” Sid sighs. “I just wake up.”

Kris looks at Sid and wraps his arms around him. “You’re not like that, Sid,” Kris reminds him. “Everything I know about you, every fiber of you is not like him. You would never be like that, not on your worst day.”

“I know, but it seems so real,” Sid complains. “You’d have to see the look in my eyes. It’s just so _dead_.”

“You’ve got tears in your eyes now, Sid,” Kris reminds him. “No way you don’t care.”

“I know but,” Sid starts. Kris shakes his head. “No, Sid. You’re not that man, dreams aren’t real.”

“You’re right,” Sid sighs.

“Is something else bothering you?” Kris asks. He _knows_ there is something. He can read Sid well enough to know that, he just doesn’t know what.

“It also made me think about having kids," Sid confesses. “None of the dreams mention anyone else. Not you, not a woman. It’s just me and _him_.”

“Sid, they’re dreams.”

“I know, but it’s something we should talk about, right?” Sid asks. He knows it’s too early in their relationship – hell, their _careers_ to be talking kids, but he needs to know where he stands on the subject.

Kris freezes a bit before answering. "You want kids?"

"Well, yeah. Don't you?" Sid asks. He’s scared of the answer because the answer could mean the end of _them_. But he doesn’t want that, not at all, so he bites his lip in hope that he won’t say no.

"Eventually, sure. But, Sid, if this is on your mind now, what does that mean?" Kris answers.

"Nothing," Sid assures him. "I was just thinking about it because of the dreams. I don’t want kids right now, but I do want them. I just don’t want to get to the point where one of us has to pretend.”

"You're going to be a great father when the time comes," Kris replies. “I would be honoured if that happened with me,” he assures Sid. Sid visibly relaxes, resting his head on Kris’ shoulder.

“I love you,” Sid says, holding on to Kris.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris looks to Sid's mom for advice on helping Sidney.

The nightmares don't get any better the next few nights. If anything, they've gotten worse since confronting his father and having Kris there to help him through it only does so much. He honestly doesn't know why they keep happening.

And then they're gone. The first night isn't a surprise, because he doesn't get them  _every_  night. But after a few more and he's finally feeling human again, he's happy when he wakes up. He thinks maybe it has something to do with being back in Pittsburgh. The summer isn't over, but neither felt like being anywhere else. 

Kris notices how happy Sid is once the dreams go away. He's smiling a lot more, unprovoked, and dancing along to music. They agree to start back at the gym more seriously in the next few days, but even with that it doesn't take long to get into the swing of things. They know how they like things and it evens out that they both get their way most times and when they don't, neither is really opposed to it. They take some heat about becoming one person instead of two, but Sid always chirps back that it'll help Kris' game. Kris would be mad, but he gets to wake up beside Sidney Crosby. No way he's mad about that.

A couple days here and there Kris notices Sid's mood change. He doesn't say anything, and it could be an off day in general, but Kris can't help but think that maybe the dreams are coming back. Kris pays attention to Sid in different ways than Sid would like him to. He knows he should trust Sid, but it's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of health. He wants Sid to be okay, he needs him to be okay. 

He only got worried after Sid's mom called and asked about Sid. She told him he used to be the same way when he was little and started to hide it after his dad yelled at him a few times. Kris thinks it was only to get him to talk to Sid, but if Sid didn't know how he was feeling, he wouldn't be able to talk about it. Kris started talking to Trina to understand Sid better. Sid's sensitive about his past, but some things he was uncomfortable talking about.

Talking to Trina doesn't reveal much, but the little things - the good things - are nice to hear. Things like how happy Sidney was when they told him about Taylor, how he wanted to teach her everything he knew. Kris can tell she loves talking about the good things. He understands completely, never asks to hear more than she's willing to say. If Sid's sensitive, he'll wait until he's ready. 

It's not until Kris mentions the dreams that she stops talking. She calls him back a day later and explains what happened. Kris' heart sinks as she tells him about the accident.

_They had been out of town for a tournament - Sidney and his father. It was a weekend-long schedule and an extra game if Sid's team won. The first two were easy wins, but the next day the teams were prepared to see little number eight in green. Three players guarded Sid every time he was out there, leaving him no chance to score. They lost the third game, won the fourth. It was enough to bring them to the next day, but only for a game. They lost in the first game of day three. Sid was devastated, but tried his best._

_Only, Troy didn't think so. He told Sid he failed, he should have found a way to win. Troy would have, Sid needed to grow up. Sid started to cry, but Troy just told him to go to the car._

_On the drive home it was raining and while Troy told Sid how to improve his game Sid continued to cry. Troy broke down, he stopped yelling for a moment to tell Sid it was okay, he was going to explain things were stressful for him, but before he got a chance, a car came out of nowhere and crashed into them._

Trina's voice quivers as she finishes telling the story, almost exactly what happened in Sid's dreams, only in his dreams  _he_  was the father, not the son. "What happened?" Kris asks, biting his lip.

"I wasn't sure Sid remembered," Trina explains, "He was hurt badly, as was his father, but Sid lost some memories. After that he never wanted to go in a car, but he couldn't explain why. Troy didn't want to tell Sid about the accident."

"Why not?" Kris asks. He's mildly aware of the tears in his eyes and his shaking knee as he listens. The thought of Sid in an accident.

"He said it was easier to pretend they were bad dreams, but Sid never told us how bad, how  _real_  they were."

"You need to tell him," Kris replies. 

"Kris," Trina starts. 

"He needs to know, he can't keep thinking these dreams are about him as a father. He's anxious as it is," Kris replies. They both know she knows it needs to be said and that she should do it since Troy refuses to even think it was real. "He's not a monster," Trina says. "He just wants to protect Sid, he doesn't mean to make things worse."

"Will you call Sid?" Kris asks. 

"I will," She agrees. 

"Thank you," Kris says, heart filled with uncertainty.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid finds out the truth.

When Sid gets a call from his mother, he's happy that she's calling. They haven't really talked since his visit, even though he's talked to Taylor, his mom always has her ways of making things seem better. She asks about Kris and Sid gladly tells her how things have been going. 

"What about the dreams?" Trina asks. Sid's smile falls, not that she can see it. "He told you?"

"Sid, it's not your fault," she tries. "There's, there's something your father and I never told you."

"What are you talking about?" Sid asks. Trina hates the thought of telling him, but to not tell him would be worse. "Mom?" Sid asks again.

"Those dreams, they aren't totally false," she starts. "When you were younger, about seven, there was an accident on the way home from a hockey tournament."

"What are you saying?" Sid asks.

"You were badly injured, Sidney. When you came-to, you had no memory of the accident or events surrounding it. Your father and I - we thought it'd be better to not tell you," She continues. Sid doesn't say anything, just listens. "We didn't know how bad the dreams were, Sid. We would have told you, but we thought after you got over your car fear you were okay."

"You didn't tell me that I was in a bad accident?" 

"Sweetie, it wasn't like that. We thought telling you would hurt you, make you blame hockey or something and we just couldn't do that to you."

"The two of you or him?" Sid asks. 

"I'm so sorry, Sidney," she sighs. "He said he could never forgive himself if something happened to you. I know you have your disagreements, but he was doing it for you."

"Mom," Sid starts. He doesn't know what else to say. What can he say? He's been lied to by his own parents. "Everything, the dreams, they are real? They are memories, just like the other ones?"

"Other ones?" Trina asks. 

"I have dreams I know are real, mom. Dreams that have haunted me since I was younger - memories of him yelling at me, calling me useless. Saying I need to be the best and there's no other choice. I have to be," Sid all but yells at her. He doesn't mean to, but that's how it comes out. "I'm sorry," Sid says, tears stinging his eyes. He feels like such a baby, all he ever does is cry and complain. He's exactly what everyone's accused him of being. 

"Sidney Patrick, don't you ever feel like any of this is your fault," Trina says to him, voice stern, so unlike her usual tone. "We fucked up by not telling you, I had no idea how much it hurt you." That was one of the first times he ever heard his mom swear. 

"I don't want to be like him."

"Sid," Trina says. "Your father is a good man, but the way he thinks - it's not to hurt you. That said, you're nothing like him."

"I just yelled at you for ruining my life when you were trying to protect me," Sid admits. He sighs and asks if he can call her back later.

He pours himself a drink as he thinks about what he just found out. This isn't like Santa or the tooth fairy, he just didn't understand why they lied about the accident.

Kris comes back and he goes right to Sid's side. "You alright?" Kris asks.

"The dreams are real," Sid sighs. He knows Kris must know already, but he says it anyway. He tells Kris what his mom told him, he tells him about the talk and how he's so confused.

"You're not Troy," Kris says. He wraps his arms around Sid and brings him in for a kiss. It's soft and patient and Sid doesn't want him to let go, doesn't want him to speed up. He just wants to  _feel_.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry doesn't begin to explain the why I feel about you.

Sid calls his mom the next day to talk about what happened. He and Kris just spent the night in each other's arms, trying not to think about anything else. 

Talking to his mom is better after having a night to think about it. He isn't so emotional this time around, so when they start talking about what had happened back then it's different. He realizes why they did it. Not that he agrees with it, but they were trying to protect him. His dad didn't want him to quit on his dream. Sid isn't sure what he would have done back then, though. He loves hockey more than almost anything, would an accident have really made him want to quit? He had other injuries when he was younger and never stopped trying - not that they could have erased his memory of those, but still.

Trina tries to explain why, but in the end she gives up. She sounds so lost, explaining how misguided she was. Sid can tell she's still trying to defend Troy, but he knows it was his choice, even if she won't say it. They both knew he didn't remember it, but they also knew he had nightmares, even if he never said exactly what they were about or why he cried every time they went for a drive, especially the long ones, it didn't matter. They should have known.

Sid remembers all the trips and tournaments he went to as a kid, the drives were almost unbearable from his anxiety. He even got picked on for being a baby when his team went on night-long bus rides into the next town and he couldn't sleep, let alone console himself to a mere cry. The more he thought about it, the more it reminded him how anxious he was coming into the NHL and how the 'crybaby' remarks brought up that fear and pain once again and how Colby helped him through most nights when he couldn't sleep and the pep talks from Mario - the ones his father never even tried back when he was a child.

"Do you have any idea what I went through?" Sid asks. He regrets it immediately - his mother doesn't deserve it, it's not her fault. She loves him, she wants what's best for him and doesn't deserve the guilt. But it's too late, she's apologising and Sid feels worse. His chest is getting tighter and he feels horrible. "I'm sorry," he interrupts her. 

"Sidney, please, don't say sorry. You're perfect," Trina tries to comfort him. Sid thinks about how many times she has tried to comfort him when he was younger, all she's done to help him over the years. Which made him think of his dad and everything he did over the years. None of it really seemed nurturing, really. He was a coach first and a father second. Never read him stories, never cheered him up when he didn't succeed. 

Kris walks in and frowns at Sid's expression. He's worried, deep in thought and Kris doesn't like this particular 'shade' of thought. "You okay?" he mouths when Sid looks up from the jean-string he's been playing with for the past half-hour. Sid nods with a sigh that says only sort of. 

Kris goes to the kitchen and turns the kettle on. Sid watches as Kris starts making them tea. "Mom, can I talk to you later? No, Kris just got in and I'm kind of tired," Sid starts. Kris raises an eyebrow, but then Sid is telling her he loves her before hanging up.

"You okay?" Kris asks, leaning over the counter. 

"Yeah," Sid sighs. "It's just a lot to take in," he answers. 

Kris comes out from the kitchen and wraps his arms around Sid's neck, pressing his lips against Sid's and sitting on his lap. "Just lean back and relax, Sid, you need it," he says, lightly pushing Sid against the couch. Sid smiles, kissing Kris and pulling him closer against him. 

Kris sees the spark in his eyes and smiles. "I could always help you relax, oui?" Kris asks, moving his hand up Sid's shirt. Sid moves into the touch, but then the kettle whistles and they both start laughing. "Tea for the missus?" Kris jokes. 

"I would like some as well," Sid deflects. Kris laughs and finally gets up to make the tea. 

When he gets back with the tea, they just sit together. Kris moves so Sid's nestled in beside him and besides the fact Sid has some size-advantage in some areas, they fit perfect on his corner couch. Considering his choice was decided because Staal wanted a bigger couch to crash on before he was traded, it's lucky he didn't opt for the leather one that was tempting him.

Without meaning to, Kris falls asleep, Sid not far behind him. While Kris is relaxed, comfortable with Sid in his arms, it isn't the case for Sid himself. His mind goes from a calm, relaxation to gloomy and desperate as his dreams take over his subconscious. 

_He's not a kid this time. Sid looks around and it's so familiar, it almost feels real. Then his dad walks in and stares at him. This is real. "I can explain," Sid says. His father looks angry, but he's not sure what he's saying sorry for._

_"Explain what? Why you want to disgrace this family?" his father answers. What? "You think I like having to explain to my colleagues why you're single? You think I like explaining that my boy likes cock?"_

_"Dad," Sid says, his voice hardly above a whisper._

_"You think that's why I spent all that money for you to play hockey? All that time you were just trying to get laid, huh?" He asks. Sid doesn't know how to reply, that's not why he loves hockey at all. "I bet he's not the first one, either," he scoffs._

_Sid's never felt so wounded, he can't bring himself to speak. His chest is tight again and he's gasping, trying to breath or anything. He can feel the tears sting his eyes as he looks up at his father from where he apparently curled onto the ground without noticing._

_But then he's big. He's standing in front of his father, chest no longer tight and hurting, but boiling with anger as Troy keeps on yelling at him. Sid can't hear him anymore, though. It's as if sound is blocked from his brain and the next thing Sid knows, he's punching Troy and staring as he falls._

_Troy gets up after, yelling even louder now and he takes a swing but Sid dodges it. Sid shoves him against the wall and stares him in the eyes. "You don't control me," he says, loud and clear just before he lets Troy sink to the floor._

Sidney wakes with a start as Kris lightly shakes him awake. He can tell right away that Sid was having a nightmare again. His muscles are tensed, fists balled to white knuckles  and his breathing is uneven and harsh. "Was it the accident?" Kris asks, rubbing Sidney's side. 

"I need to take a walk," Sid answers, nodding his head. Kris can tell it's something else, but he gives Sid a kiss and lets him go. "I'll be here," Kris adds, giving Sid's hand one last squeeze. 

Sid nods, smiling weakly as he gets up and walks out the door.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid isn't ready yet.

Kris feels so helpless as he watches Sid walk out. He tries to resist, but he picks up the phone and calls Trina. "Sid had a different dream," he starts. Trina sighs. "There's something else," he adds. "He was talking this time."

"What did he say?" Trina asks. 

"He was yelling Troy's name, some other stuff - about being, um, a fag," Kris admits. "He went for a walk when he woke up, he was really shaken."

"Do you have any idea where?" Trina asks. She sounds so worried and Kris thinks maybe he shouldn't have told her. 

"No, sorry. I just thought I should give him his space if he wanted it," Kris answers.  

"No, it's not your fault. I just wish he wasn't feeling this way. His father does love him," Trina defends. Kris doesn't want to comment on something he doesn't fully know, but in his experience his father's actions were unimaginable, let alone forgiveable.

"I don't mean to pass judgement, but how can you defend him after he rejected Sid and lied to him all that time?" Kris asks.

"I don't agree with him and we were wrong for not telling Sid, but it doesn't mean he doesn't love Sidney."

"I think that's exactly what it means," Kris replies. "You can't just love a part of someone and despise or reject another - especially when it's such a big part of who they are."

"How would you know what he feels about Sid?" Trina asks.

"I saw it in his eyes," Kris answers, "can you tell me that he'll accept me as part of your family? Welcome us for holidays, birthdays, if we one day get married or have a child? Can you tell me he'll be okay with that, that he will be happy for Sidney and I?"

"Kristopher," Trina tries, but she stops and sighs. "I don't think I can."

"I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but as far as Sid is concerned, I don't know what to tell him," Kris explains.

"I'm sorry," Trina apologises, "Troy just wants what's best for him and he's afraid he's going to lose it all. You have to understand, we didnt have a lot when Sid was a boy. All Troy ever talked about was how good Sidney was at hockey, how big he was going to be in the NHL. It was his dream."

"Troy's or Sid's?" Kris asks.

Before Trina can answer, Sid comes back from his walk. He looks better, aside from his slightly sweat-slick hair and red cheeks. He probably went running, Kris thinks. "Who's on the phone?" Sid asks.

"Your mom," Kris answers. Sid sighs and turns around. "I'm gonna shower," Sid calls back as he heads upstairs.

"Listen, Sid's back, I'm going to go talk to him. I didn't mean anything by it," Kris says, ending the call with Trina. 

Kris goes up to their room, where the shower is already running. Kris isn't sure how Sid's doing, but he strips down and joins him in the shower. "Need some company?" Kris asks. 

"Would love it," Sid answers, turning in Kris' arms and pulling him against himself, "I had to clear my head."

"You don't have to explain, Sidney," Kris says, kissing Sid and running his fingers through Sid's hair. "I just want you to be okay."

Sid nods and rests his head on Kris' shoulder, pushing them into the spray of the shower. It's not as hot as their last shower, but Sid melts in Kris' arms just the same. He's like a puddle of skin and bones, staring into Kris' eyes and not letting go. Kris doesn't want him to let go, either, despite his fingers losing their moisture.

They paw at each other playfully until Sid decides it's time they get out. They dress in silence and then Sid sits down on their bed. He's lost his playful grin and he's staring up at Kris, eyes sad and worried.

"Sid, what is it?" Kris asks, sitting beside him. 

"The dream was about my dad," Sid starts. He goes on, telling Kris about what happened in the dream and what his father said. He knows it's different than what happened in real life, but he can't help but thinking it's how his father felt. 

"I wish I could tell you to not care, but I know it doesn't work that way," Kris says. "Your dad," he pauses, "Sid, your dad's made some bad choices. I can't say what his intentions are or were, or how he really feels, but it's clear you have negative feelings towards him right now," he says. Sid's about to comment, but Kris stops him. "I don't know if they're just surfacing because of everything you just learned or because we're getting more serious, or what, but I don't like that it's bothering you. I'm willing to try anything that you think will help."

"What are you saying?" Sid asks. 

"If you wanted to talk to someone - or, even go back to Cole Harbour and talk to him. I'll support you, Sid. I mean, if talking to me is enough, I'm all ears, but I'm just worried, you know?" Kris answers. He bites his lip as Sid stares at him. 

"I think I might just be a little stressed right now. There's a lot going on and once the season starts, I'm sure it'll blow over," Sid answers. Kris doesn't believe him, though. "I know you'r media answers, Sid. I know it's hard, but believe me, it's better to deal with it. You don't want to let it fester, especially during the season."

"Kris, I know you're trying to help, but I'm not letting anything fester. I'm fine, I know it will pass," Sid tries. 

Kris sighs, "Sid, I know what you're going through isn't easy, but you can get help."

"What would you know about what I'm going through?" Sid asks. His eyes are dark with anger and Kris has never felt so personally hurt by Sid before. He knows he doesn't really mean it though, he's just stressed. 

"I've had my share of problems, Sid," Kris answers. Before he can continue, Sid is shaking his head. "You've been through what I've been through? Your father lied about an accident, then told you he's homophobic?" Sid scoffs. 

"No, but just because my dad isn't a dick doesn't mean I haven't had any problems," Kris replies. 

"Oh, sure," Sid snaps, walking out of the room. Kris just sighs, once again not knowing what to do or say at this point.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris tries to help Sid understand.

Kris migrates down stairs and finds Sid curled up on their sofa, crying. He looks smaller than any grown, male hockey player ever should and his cheeks are red and stained with tears. It's the very definition of heartbreaking for Kris. 

"When Luc died I thought about killing myself every night, but instead I drank myself stupid. It took me a long time to get my act straight and it was  _you_  who helped me back then." Sid looks up at Kris, so he continues, "I was bullied, got in fights all throughout my childhood for no good reason other than I wasn't happy," he pauses. "I know a thing or two about personal demons, Sid. They may be different, but they're still pain and they're still going to get worse if we let them."

"I don't know where to start," Sid admits.

"You admit it's a problem," Kris answers. "After that, we try to solve it."

"But how?" Sid asks. He wishes he could say he's never felt so useless, so helpless, but he has.

"Trial and error, unfortunately," Kris answers. It took Kris talking to a professional to help him out, but that didn't mean Sid had to.

"Can I try talking to you first?" Sid asks. Kris has already offered, but Sid asking makes it different. He wants help now.

"I will try my best to help you, Sid. You can talk to me about anything," Kris answers.

"Thanks," Sid smiles. He's a lot more relaxed and gets off the couch and moves to the kitchen. "Maybe after we eat?" Sid suggests. Kris agrees. After deciding on pizza - the only food they both have a soft spot for in times of need - they just sit on the couch together.

Neither says what they're thinking before the pizza gets there, because it will all be discussed after food. Sid makes a face at Kris' half, because who gets chicken and cabbage on a fucking pizza?

"It's good," Kris rolls his eyes. Sid didn't even say anything, but he's pretty sure the face he made gave his thoughts away. Of course Sid wouldn't like it - Sid wouldn't eat cabbage on anything unless you challenged him that he couldn't. He was a creature of both habit and stubbornness, neither of those included eating well.

"Well, I actually have taste buds," Sid defends his never-changing cheese and peperoni pizza. Kris just smiles, thinking this is the first time Sid has been fully worry free in a long time. It's a good look on him, one he hopes to see more of. "Sure," Kris laughs. 

Once the pizza is gone, they stay in the kitchen and Kris waits for Sid to make a move. Sid clears his throat and starts picking at the label on his water bottle. "I guess you want to start analysing me now?" he asks. The smile is gone, but he's not upset, so Kris nods. 

"I think why it's bothering me so much is because I've never had a relationship go this far," Sid explains. "I mean, I dated a bit, but I obviously wasn't interested in girls and my dad always told me girls weren't important, hockey was. He always pushed me to focus on hockey and not dating," he pauses. Kris almost finds it funny that Troy didn't want Sid interested in girls, but hates that he likes boys. "I kind of dated a guy in juniors, but it didn't go beyond jerking off together. It wasn't emotional at all, but with you it's completely different," Sid continues. "With you - I want to spend all my time with you, I want to touch you, feel you, talk to you. I've never felt like this before and it scares me," Sid explains. All of this is coming from things he's known but never wanted to talk about because he really was scared. 

"Scared of what?" Kris asks. 

"I'm not even sure. I just know I've never felt like this before, this close to  _anyone_. Even family, you know? But with you it's different. I can say how I feel, I can act how I want. I can tell you I love you," he says the last part while staring into Kris' eyes. "I'm just afraid it's not real."

"Sid," Kris starts, but Sid shakes his head. "It's not just you I'm worried about," Sid adds. "I don't know where this is going. All my life, everything's been planned out for me and this - this is new. It's my choice to be with you and it's our lives together, nothing is certain. And when I think about what my father did - it scares the shit out of me. If he cares about me and still acts like that, what's stopping me from turning into him?"

Kris wants to say something, but he doesn't know what. Sid's eyes are dark, deep with thought and ripened with pain. "You're a different person, we're different people," Kris tries. Sid blinks, sighs. 

"I want to believe you, I really do," Sid replies, "But I can't because everything is so mixed up, so messy and I don't even know who I am."

Kris just nods. It's a lot to take in and Sid looks so lost that Kris can't help but wrap his arms around him. "You're my boyfriend and I love you," he says. Sid smiles and Kris can tell it's real. It may not be the answer Sid's looking for, but it's a start. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid doesn't trust good.

Kris decides that's enough for the day and they go for a walk instead of heading to the gym. They've been going to the gym regularly already, but sometimes it's better to opt for something different. They both need to clear their heads and there's no better way to do that than walking along the beach. It's the late afternoon, just in the midst of the sun setting as they stand together, just watching the sky change colours with the sinking sun. Sid squeezes Kris' hand and Kris thinks he can feel Sid's pulse beating loudly through his thumb as it grips onto his hand. When he looks at Sid, there are tears in his eyes, but he doesn't look upset. He looks happy.

"What is it?" Kris asks.

Sid smiles at him and then looks back out at the water. "The waves, they're so beautiful, so peaceful," he explains, "It makes me feel like things are going to be okay."

"They are going to be okay," Kris tries. Sid smiles at him again before going back to staring at the water. 

"My mom used to take me swimming when I was little," Sid says, "I don't think my sister was born yet, but my aunt had a cottage. I don't think my dad was there, either. Not that I can remember, anyway. Even then, I don't think they got along. It was just me, my mom, my aunt, and my cousins - mostly girls," Sid explains. "I used to be so close with them, actually. But we used to stay up later than any of the adults and sneak outside. It was one of the only places I felt like I could break rules, you know?"

Kris smiles, trying to picture Sid as a kid, sneaking out in the middle of the night. "Little trouble maker, eh?" he laughs. Sid blushes, but smiles back. "Pretty much," Sid answers. 

It starts to get late after a while of staying on the beach, and it's already getting colder every day, so they head back to the house. Kris gets started on dinner while Sid takes a nap on the couch. The lost sleep is taking a toll on Sid, even though he won't admit it. He offers to help with dinner, but Kris literally shoves him away with a playful laugh. "It's fine, Sid, honestly. I'll wake you when it's ready," he offers. Sid finally agrees and he's passed out in no time, sprawled out on the couch. Kris takes a picture with his phone before getting to work in the kitchen.

Kris makes chicken parmesan, since he thinks Sid will like it. He made a note to think of things he can make that Sid would like. He doesn't think Sid's had home cooking that often. When it's ready he sets the dinner table they hardly ever use. When he wakes up Sid, he's met with a smile. "Hey," Sid says. 

"Dinner," Kris replies, helping Sid up. Kris laughs as Sid's eyes practically light up at the food in front of him and if they way he starts eating is any indication, he approves. "You never told me you cook," Sid accuses in between bites. Kris doesn't bother pointing out the meals he's made before, because he knows Sid means  _actual_  food, as in nice meals. For a guy who eats like shit half the time, Kris isn't sure what Sid has against poutine, but it could almost end their relationship... except that it just means more for Kris.

Sid doesn't take the time to enjoy his food, just swallows it down and looks very pleased when he finishes. Kris would be mad, but Sid looks genuinely happy. "Is your brain directly related to your stomach?" Kris asks. Sid glares, but nods after a moment. It's probably true, after all. That or hockey. Or Kris. But two of those are connected to his heart. Or something.

\------

The next night, Sid has another dream. Kris is there and his father isn't. It's just them, laying together and sleeping.   _But something's wrong, Sid can feel it._

_He's asleep in their bed, tucked in against Kris. It's not a peaceful sleep; Sid is clenching and tense and in his dream he's having a nightmare._

_Kris wakes up and he sighs as he looks onto Sid. "Why can't you get over it already?" Kris whispers. Sid is muttering in his sleep and Kris groans and moves out from under Sid, who remains sleeping. "I've tried everything to help you, why do you keep doing this?" he asks._

_Kris looks angry, sad, and tired. Very tired. He starts pacing around the room for a couple minutes, just watching Sid and wishing he'd just wake up already, but then he sits at the desk and starts writing on a piece of paper. He pulls a bottle out of the drawer in the desk and takes a sip. It's obviously alcohol, even though Kris doesn't drink a lot. His eyes are red and a tear or two drops onto the page as he tries to hold himself together._

_He leaves the letter in an envelope, presses a kiss to it and places it on his pillow. When he's done, he presses a kiss to Sid's forehead and walks out the door with a suitcase. "I'm sorry," he whispers as he closes the bedroom door behind him. The car can be heard from inside the house and Sid wakes up, just in time to miss Kris._

_Sid looks around, scared and alarmed, worried that his dreams came true, only to be in his bed. For a moment he thinks everything is okay. And then he spots the note._

_Tears trail down his face as he reads the letter, word for word of Kris' pain and anger. Kris couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. Sid was too much. If he'd been normal, if it was just a small issue he hopped over and recovered, like any other obstacle they'd faced._

_Kris couldn't take the sleepless nights, Sid's constant need for reassureance and approval. He reached his breaking point long ago and needed to break free before he went mad._

_He was leaving the team, too. Not just Sid, because he knew he couldn't say no to Sid and being on the same team kept them together way longer than it should've been._

Sid woke up crying and Kris was by his side seconds later. "You okay, Sid?"

"I'm sorry," Sid chokes out as he gets out of bed and leaves. He drives off, just  to be alone. He knows it was only a dream, but he also knows his points were valid. He's just been using Kris all along.  
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid doesn't want to feel anymore.

Sid drives to a bar that he doesn't think Kris will look for him in. It's quiet and the bar is at the back instead of by the front door. He orders whiskey with a beer and downs them fairly quick before ordering another beer. He's not looking to get drunk, just buzzed enough to not hate himself anymore. He's about three beers in when he realizes that he's not any better.

"Rough night?" A woman asks from beside him. Sid does his best not to glare at her, but he's pretty sure he fails. "That obvious?" He asks.

"Not the first I've seen. It's not even noon," she answers. "Not the first hockey player I've seen, either."

Sid cringes, of course she knows who he is. "I'm not looking for a pick up," Sid explains. She doesn't look impressed by that.

"Neither am I," she replies. "I just thought you could use somebody to talk to."

Sid sighs. He needs Kris to talk to. "I'll buy you a drink if you want," Sid offers. The woman laughs, but takes him up on his offer. "I'm Nathalie," she introduces herself.

Sid laughs, not because of her, but that when he was at Mario's, Nathalie would have talks with him when he was stressed. "Sidney," he offers in response.

"Yes, I know," she smiles.

Sid doesn't tell her everything. He's drunk, but he's far from stupid enough to tell a stranger he's gay and having serious psychological issues. He just tells her he's having relationship problems and he's afraid he's letting his insecurities get in the way of their relationship.

Somewhere in the middle of explaining that he's putting too much pressure on **Kristine** and not giving enough back into the relationship, they lost track of time. It went from afternoon to early evening and Sid hadn't so much as looked at his phone.

In fact, he only realizes how long they've been there when Kris walks in the door. "Fucking Flower," he sighs. Nathalie follows his eyes. "Flower?"

"There's one person who knows I come to this bar," he explains. "He knew I wanted to be alone."

Kris spots them and Sid can tell right away what he's thinking. In his defense, Nathalie is dressed fairly loosely and there's a significant amount of empty glasses and bottles in front of them.

"Sid?" Kris asks. His eyes aren't as angry as they should be, Sid thinks. They don't look angry at all, actually. They look sad and worried.

Sid sighs and puts down the money for the bill and a nice tip. "That's my ride," Sid laughs. Nathalie looks worried as well, which is weird. He's only just met her.

"Are you okay?" Kris asks. Sid just rolls his eyes and asks the bartender for his keys back. When he refuses, Sid puts up a fight. "I'm not driving it, dumbass."

"He's leaving with me," Kris explains. The bartender reluctantly hands Kris the keys and Sid mutters a curse under his breath.

He's asleep in the back seat before they even get home, so Kris beeps the horn to wake him. Sid curses and glares at Kris, but he has no right to be mad. "We're home," Kris says, not waiting for Sid to get out.

Sid thinks about sleeping in the car, but he decides against it and goes inside. Maybe Kris will break up with him. Sid honestly wouldn't be surprised.

Kris has the coffee maker running and Sid's mug waiting for it to drip down. "I'm sorry," Sid apologizes. Kris sighs and pats the seat next to him for Sid to sit down.

"What were you doing there?" Kris asks.

"I wasn't trying to pick her up," Sid answers. "I was drinking and she said I could talk to her."

The worried look returns to Kris' face when he says that. "What do you tell her?"

"Just that I'm having a problem with Kristine," Sid laughs. "That I'm too needy and I should be supporting her more because I'm just taking advantage of how nice he is."

"Is that how you feel?" Kris asks. Sid hadn't meant to say so much. "Sid, that's not how I feel," Kris promises. "Look, I love you and you're having problems right now. It's not your fault, I want to help you."

"But what if it's not just right now, Kris? I've been like this for as long as I can remember. What if I never get better?" Sid complains.

"Then I will spend that time making you feel better, Sid, because that's all that matters."

"How can you say that, though?" Sid asks. He really doesn't see how Kris can say that and actually mean it. "I couldn't ask someone to put up with me, Kris, and I wouldn't want to."

"I wouldn't be putting up with you, Sid. I mean that."

Sid wasn't expecting that. He thought Kris would try to tell him things will get better, they had to... But he wasn't saying that.  
"Really?"

"Sid, you'll have to do a hell of a lot worse to make my leave you," Kris answers. Sid nods, staring into Kris' eyes before resting his head on the cool table. "I had a dream you left me," Sid admits. "I was sleeping and you just walked out. All you left was a letter saying I was too much to handle."

Sid can see the hurt in Kris' eyes when he says that. Hurt and worried. For Sid. "I never want you to feel like that again, even if the dreams and anxiety don't go away." Kris tells him. Sid rests his head on the counter again and sighs.

"I need to talk to someone, don't I?"


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid takes a step forward.

Training camp is just under two weeks away when Sid gets in to see a psychiatrist. He probably could have found a way to get in sooner, but he wasn't ready to throw his name around for something like that.

Kris offers to go with Sid, but Sid declines, thinking it might be a little too weird to see two hockey players in the same psychiatrist's office. He has a point, so Kris just kisses him goodbye and wishes him luck.

Sid's new doctor is an older man. He seems nice and right away, he tells Sid that he thinks things will get better. It's comforting, especially after he says he's seen similar things in people before. Sid wants to ask more questions, but there's a lot of other things to cover before that. The first appointment is mainly just getting to know each other, but Sid feels significantly better just from that. He's asked to come back the following week, so Sid makes an appointment and then drives home.

Kris has lunch cooked and ready to eat by the time Sid gets home. It's a nice surprise, even though Kris has been cooking more often lately Sid doesn't know when to expect it. He'll enjoy it while it's there, either way. Sid tells Kris about the doctor and how his appointment went while they eat.

After lunch, they go to the gym and get in a much needed workout. They got a little lazy after a few sleepless nights, but both were determined to keep things up and work harder than the previous year.

Since the guys are in town now, they set up a team workout session in the gymnasium and Sid runs a group with Nisky, while Kris works with Neal since they decide to go with forward and defence pairings for group leaders, splitting the team into two.

Sid doesn't know if he's had this much fun in a while, but thinks its mostly because he loves ordering his buddies around in a competitive environment. It also makes game development more exciting. He got the idea from Mario after he had a hard time getting Geno interested. He still gets distracted, which is awesome because Kris picks him for his team and Sid really didn't feel like dealing with Geno's attention span today. Sid's a firm believer that grit could easily overcome talent just because talent sometimes sits back. Sid's been guilty of it a few times, especially when he was younger, but Geno's horrible for it. As much as he likes the guy and loves playing with him, his work ethic could change. Still, he's a very competitive person and doesn't make it easy when he does work hard. Geno almost knocks Sid over when they're going through the agility ladder, but Sid pushes back and ends up beating him to the end. Until Flower knocks Sid onto the ground and pins him down. Neither really fights to get free until Neal pulls him off and tells him to get going. 

When they meet back up in the locker room, Kris grins at Sid and laughs a little when Sid glares. "You're glowing, you freak," Kris jokes.

"I missed the burn," Sid admits. He's feeling so much better, even from their other workouts, it's so much better with the guys. They just go off of each other's energy and it doesn't even seem like work anymore.

They decided to all get lunch together, which takes up a lot of room in the mid-sized diner that Kris and Sid like to go to. They're very happy to have them, though. Even just when it's Sid and Kris, they bring in a lot of money - not including tip money, either. Geno pretty much eats half the food in the place, himself. It's good, though. It feels normal. Sid doesn't mention anything about seeing a doctor, he doesn't feel like explaining that to them, and Kris supports him in his decision. It's really none of their concern and they already treat Sid differently as it is.

Sid's still feeling good when they get home from lunch, he practically jumps Kris in the hallway. His head feels good, his body feels amazing, and Kris is amazing. Kris doesn't even question it, they just go for it. It's hot, fun, and by the time they're done, Sid doesn't think he's ever been more exhausted. Or happy. It's what makes the fall hurt that much more.

When Sid wakes up, he's covered in sweat again and Kris has a worried look on his face. "I don't remember dreaming," Sid says. 

"You were screaming out loud," Kris replies. His voice sounds worried and Sid doesn't know what to say. He doesn't remember anything after he fell asleep. "What was I saying?" Sid asks. Kris looks a little hesitant,but he answers. "You were yelling my name and Adrian, over and over." Was it an accident again? Kris wasn't usually in those, though. Sid just tries to remember the dream, but he can't. 

Kris moves in and presses his lips against Sid's and tries to take his mind off the dream. "I'm here, Sid, don't worry," he soothes. Sid nods, but it's not helping. 

"I was feeling good before I want to sleep," Sid sighs. "What happened?"

"It's not your fault, Sid," Kris tries. "It feels like it is," Sid replies, "I'm going to go take a shower," he says. 

Sid's shower is long and hot as he tries to sort through his thoughts. He doesn't even notice Kris coming in the bathroom until the curtain opens and he steps in the shower. "I was almost done," Sid tries, about to step out of the tub. "Stay," Kris laughs. He wraps his arms around Sid and presses his lips to the side of his head. "It's okay, Sid," Kris tries. Sid tries to stop himself, but he breaks down in Kris' arms. "I can't help it," Sid cries into Kris' shoulder. "Everything was perfect and I just fucked it up again," he continues. 

"No," Kris says, lifting Sid's head to look him in the eyes. "You didn't mess anything up. You've had one visit, one exhausting day, but it was an amazing day. One amazing day makes up for all the rough nights."

Sid just looks at Kris for a while, trying to stop crying like a stupid baby. Kris sits them down, letting the spray of the shower thump pleasantly against their skin. "I just want things to go back to normal," Sid explains. Kris shifts Sid into his lap and wraps his arms around his waist. "Normal?" he laughs. "Tu es l'amour de ma vie, je t'adore," he whispers into Sid's ears. "Normal is boring, you are anything but."


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training camp doesn't solve everything.

When training camp starts, Sid's dreams seem to go away. At least, that's what he tells Kris. He hasn't talked, yelled, or woken up like the other times, but Kris can't help the feeling that it's not all suddenly better. His visits with the doctor are helping, but every 'don't worry' doesn't feel right to Kris. He lets it go since he can't prove Sid's still having dreams. He hopes he's wrong, but after a few days, he really can't argue that Sid seems a lot better. 

The Penguins want Sid to do some mingling with the prospects at camp. It's not a huge deal, he usually does it on his own. Kris joins him and they watch the prospects practice. There are a few familiar names and some they haven't seen before. One guy catches their eye, though. He's new, Laden doesn't ring a bell, but he's fast and good with the puck. He's also about 6'3 and big, but he looks about fourteen if you go by his face. Sid walks to the bench and asks Dan for an extra sheet. Dan smiles and passes him one. "Someone you like?"

"Yeah," Sid says, walking back towards Kris. They start looking at the names and making notes in the margins. Kris notices Dan smiling at them from the bench. It makes sense that he'd want Sid to get a feel for who could actually make the team. When practice is over, Sid shakes hands with the guys on the way to the dressing room. Kris notes a few star-struck players who apparently didn't notice them watching. When the come out, Sid and Kris are waiting with Dan to talk to them before they're free to go. Dan gives them some feedback and when he's done, Sid adds to what he said a bit while Kris mostly agrees with him. 

When they're done, Dan asks Kris to talk to him for a minute and Sid stays behind. "What is it?" Kris asks. Dan shrugs and looks back at Sid, so Kris follows his stare and one of the prospects is talking to Sid. It looks like Laden, especially judging by the size. "What's going on?" Kris asks. 

"Laden asked to talk to Sid," Dan shrugs. 

"Okay," Kris replies. Dan doesn't offer any more information, so Kris just takes a seat and waits for Sid. They look pretty deep in conversation and Kris wonders what the guy has to say. On the sheet, he's only eighteen, still has some junior work to do. He's probably just asking for pointers - maybe he's shy? Doesn't look like he wss on the ice, though. Sid shakes his hand and pats him on the back before sending him on his way.

"What was that about?" Kris asks when Sid joins him. 

"I'll tell you later," Sid answers. Kris nods, taking his word for it. They talk with Mario, Dan, and Ray about what and who they liked. It doesn't mean they'll make the team, but they wanted to know what Sid's thoughts were, and obviously any input is good so they listen to Kris as well.

When they get home, Sid joins Kris in the kitchen to start dinner. "Bryan told me he's gay," Sid says, knowing Kris was just dying to know what he wanted to talk about. "Bryan?" Kris asks. 

"Bryan Laden," Sid clarifies, "he wanted to tell me personally."

"Why?" Kris asks. It's not like they've come out, but there could be rumours going around. Rumours that Kris hanging around Sid so much might just be a little more obvious than they would like.

"Because I'm the captain and he wanted to stand up for himself?" Sid suggests. "I don't think he knew I'm gay, if that's what you were thinking."

"What did you say?" Kris asks. 

"I told him it was fine with me and I hope to see him soon," Sid answers.

"Nothing about you being gay?" Kris asks. 

"Do you think I should have?" Sid asks. 

"I honestly don't know," Kris shrugs. "There's a lot of risk in doing that, I think it's better that you didn't, though. At least right now. I mean, he could be traded or something."

"Max left," Sid points out. 

"Yeah, be he's a friend. He's not going to tell because he got traded by a team, especially when Laden's just a kid, he might think it's because he's gay." Kris answers. Sid knows he's right, but he still wanted to tell him.

-

Sid's next appointment is a lot deeper than his last. He mentions Laden and Kris' reaction, how he felt about both. The doctor doesn't really tell him if he was right or wrong for his choice, but he agrees with both points. He also asks Sid why he wants Laden to know, why it doesn't seem to bother him that people could find out.

Sid never thought about that, but when he does think about it, but it makes sense. His dad didn't support him when he came out, but other people did. Maybe he wants to come out because people accepted him. His team accepted him for who he was, even though his dad didn't. 

He doesn't talk to Kris about it when he gets back. It's not that he's keeping it from Kris, he just doesn't want to talk about it yet. 

And then the dreams come back. It's not like before, his dad is there, standing over him and yelling at him. He's on the ground and Kris is mad, so is Mario - they're all shouting and he doesn't know what they're saying, can't make out the words, just the voices. He was dizzy, in pain, and he felt sick to his stomach as everything got worse as the seconds passed like years.

Once he's awake again, he's breathless and shaking like a leaf. He looks around and Kris isn't there, not even after he calls for him. Sid panics and can't fight the tingling sensation go up his spine and he throws up on the sheet. He tries to look around, tries to find Kris, but he just falls to the ground, too weak to stand on his own fucking feet.

"Fuck, Sid," Kris shouts from the hall and quickly gets to Sid's side. "Sid, are you okay?" Kris waits for a response, but Sid just stares at him. Kris pulls off Sid's soiled shirt and brings a blanket from the closet and wraps him up and holds him close. "It's okay, Sid," he tries. Kris takes the phone from his pocket and texts Mario because he's actually worried this time.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mario and Kris try to help Sid understand.

Sid wakes up in his bed again, but Mario is sitting beside him, taking to Kris. Sid feels cold, he knows he's not wearing a shirt but it feels like he has a chill and all he wants to do is cry, but he's afraid to cry in front of them. He's worried what Mario will think, what Kris will do. He bites his lip to stop himself from crying and the next thing he knows, Mario turns towards him and just looks at him. The look in Mario's eyes is heart-breaking. He can actually see the worry in Mario's eyes and it makes Sid sick to his stomach again that he starts to gag a little. 

"Sid," Kris says, moving to sit beside him. He brings Sid's head to his chest and rubs his back lightly, trying to calm him down.

"I'm sorry," Sid manages and Mario's next to him again, hand on his back and talking to him. "You have nothing to be sorry about," Kris tries to comfort Sid.

"Are you okay?" Mario asks. Sid just shrugs. "I thought I was," he answers. Kris can tell Mario's not impressed by the answer.

"What's going on?" Mario asks. He looks to both Kris and Sid, because he knows they aren't telling him something. He doesn't wait long before Sid starts to answer.

"I've been having anxiety attacks and bad dreams," Sid admits. "I've been trying to deal with them, it hasn't gotten in the way of training, but I thought they would go away," Sid continues.

"Sid," Mario stops him, but he doesn't say anything else when Sid looks up at him.

 "I've been seeing a psychologist, but it hasn't changed anything yet," Sid adds.

"Were they like the dreams you had before?" Mario asks. Sid had forgotten he had them when he lived at Mario's, but they weren't nearly as bad as what he was dealing with now.

"Worse," he answers.

"How long?" Mario asks. 

"Since the summer, maybe before that?" Sid answers. He's tense, trying not to let himself shake.

"The panic attack?" Mario asks. 

"I think it's more than that," Kris answers this time. "Sid didn't really start having dreams until after we went to each other's parents and his dad wasn't happy," he explains.

"That's what started them?" Mario asks, sighing. 

"If not, it really didn't help," Kris nods. 

"Why didn't you tell me when camp started?" Mario asks. He's not angry, but he looks disappointed. 

"I thought I could handle it," Sid admits.

"We have a team psychiatrist, I'm not saying you have to, but it might be better than a psychologist. If anything, he could give you pills that could help," Mario suggests.

"I'm afraid," Sid replies. Kris takes Sid in his arms and he's never been happier about being out to Mario.

"We'll support you, Sid. You don't need to tell anyone, but know you have our support for anything we can do," Mario says. "I've known players with anxiety disorders before, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sid."

"I'm supposed to be strong," Sid points out. Kris looks to Mario for something to say, but he just stays silent. "Can you make me an appointment?" Sid asks. Kris notes the sad look in Sid's eyes, the pain and fear he's seen every time Sid wakes up from a dream, just asking for help.

"Of course, Sid. I'll call his office in the morning, get you in as soon as possible," Mario answers. Kris thinks Mario's a way better father than Sid's dad. It kind of makes sense why Sid stayed there so long - he was getting what he couldn't get at home, even if it wasn't a conscious reason for him to stay. 

"Sid, I need to talk to Kris for a moment, will you be okay if we step out?" Mario asks. Kris looks at him, wondering why he wouldn't just talk in front of Sid, but he figures there must be a reason. Sid nods and curls into his pillows. 

"Yes?" Kris asks, once they leave the room. He peeks in at Sid from the doorway and Mario smiles at him. "The doctor will want to evaluate him, it'll probably take a lot out of him. I think we should give him some off time. I know he won't want to, and he might not even miss any game time, but I think it's important he focus on getting better. He'll need you to support him," Mario explains.

"Of course," Kris says, "I'm committed to him."

Mario smiles at that, but it's different from before; softer. "Good."

Kris wants to say something else, but Mario goes back into the room and he starts telling Sid that he'll be okay, we'll help him through this. Kris thinks that, had anyone other than Mario been saying it, Sid wouldn't have believed it. Instead, though, Sid looks relaxed, at least more than before. Kris sits down beside Sid again and pulls him into a hug. Sid moves easily with Kris' lead and makes himself comfortable, all but laying on Kris a few seconds later. 

"If you'll be okay, I can let myself out," Mario offers with a small smile. Sid nods, but Kris gets up, giving Sid a quick kiss before he follows Mario to the door. "Listen, thanks a lot - for everything," Kris says. 

"It's nothing, really," Mario waves him off, "I'd do it for anyone of the team."

"Yeah, but it's different," Kris says. Mario knows what he means, because it's not just that it's Sid or just that it's a personal problem. It's much more than that and both Mario and Kris know that it's not just about him, but Mario just nods his head and claps Kris on the shoulder, "Yeah, it's different," he says before leaving.

Kris goes back to Sid. "I think I need a shower," Sid says, pulling off his pants. Kris can tell he's lost some weight in the last while, but he's still in great shape. He tries not to stare as Sid continues to undress on his way to the bathroom. Kris lays back on the bed and shuts his eyes, fully intending to get up and do something, but the next thing he knows, there's a wet towel on his face. "Dude," Kris yelps, pulling it off. Sid's walking around naked, like he always does, picking out his clothes and laying them on the bed. 

Kris really doesn't mind this habit. It's organized and involves seeing Sid naked for a little longer. It's actually funny how not sexy Sid can be while naked, though. His face is so serious, so deep in thought that if Kris wasn't a weird freak for Sidney, he wouldn't even notice he was naked.

Of course, Kris learned not to mess with Sid's post-shower routine pretty early, because naked Sidney does not mean sexy or playful Sidney. It means pissy, "Now I have to shower again, you idiot" Sidney. So, Kris learned to just watch. It keeps them both happy, because Sid really doesn't give a shit who watches him as long as they don't bother him. 

"What do you want to do today?" Kris asks, rolling on his back after Sid got his pants back on.

"I dunno, skate maybe?" Sid shrugs. 

"Listen, Sid," Kris sits up. "Mario thinks you should maybe take some time off, once you start seeing the doctor," he explains. Sid looks sad and Kris thinks he shouldn't have said anything. 

"I'm the captain," Sid replies. 

"And I think the guys will understand that you need to get better, Sid," Kris says. "You might not even have to miss a game - there's still a while to go, you could just sit out pre-season games, you know?"  

"How is doing nothing going to make me better?" Sid asks. 

"Mario said it might take a lot out of you," Kris offers. Sid doesn't look impressed and just walks out of the room. 

"Sid, I'm not saying you have to," Kris follows him down stairs. "I'm just saying you should think about it."

"And I'm saying I've never missed a game I could play."

"I'm not trying to force you, I'm trying to help you. Don't push yourself to play if you can't handle it," Kris steps into Sid's personal space.

"I can handle it," Sid says through gritted teeth.

"I don't want you to have to handle it," Kris actually yells this time. "You're a hockey player, Sid. But you're also human and you're my boyfriend. I care about you."

"I never said you didn't," Sid shouts back. 

"Than stop acting like you don't give a shit," Kris says, giving Sid a small shove. Sid pushes him back, hard enough to make Kris lose balance. "You know I care," Sid says back, slipping on his shoes and leaving the house before Kris can stand up.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't as bad as they seem.

Sid drives to the rink and watches the prospects skate again. He watches Laden skate and work hard in the corners. He's pretty impressive. There are other prospects that catch his eye, but he finds himself watching Laden more than anyone. Sid thinks he might be trying to see if there's a valid point in giving him a shot at making the team. He's 18, but he's big and he hasn't really made any mistakes. 

Sid knows he's bias, Laden's gay and so Sid wants to like him, but he is impressive and everyone else seems to think so as well. Sid talks to Dan when they're about done and tells him he's going to talk to the group again. It feels good, talking to them. He'd forgotten about the argument with Kris until Kris shows up and watches him talking to the players. 

Kris doesn't bother interrupting Sid, he just talks to Dan and asks how Sid seems. "Anything I should know about?" Dan asks. 

"He's just going through a bit of a rough time," Kris admits. 

"Anything I can do?" Dan asks. 

"I think he's alright. We just had an argument, is all," Kris answers. He doesn't really want to worry Dan, or make Sid feel like he's going behind his back. He looks over to Sid again and he's talking to Laden again, but there's another player with them, so he doubts Sid's talking about their personal lives. Kris smiles as Sid starts talking with his hands, motioning actions, clearly showing he's talking about hockey. "I guess he has other things on his mind, though," Kris laughs. 

Dan smiles, "He's been good with the younger players," he nods. 

"No use hiding the fact people look up to him," Kris replies. 

"He seems to like Laden and Perry," Dan notes. Kris nods, assuming the second guy is Perry. He really has no idea. He'd feel bad, but nobody really cares what Kris thinks of players. He's no Sidney Crosby. "They've both looked good," Kris agrees anyway. The whole group is pretty solid and a few could even make the team out of camp, if there's room. 

"Hey guys," Sid says, coming over. He looks normal, Kris thinks. He doesn't look like he was just in a fight with his boyfriend.

"Get a good look at the guys?" Dan asks. Sid nods and goes right into talking about which players he's impressed by and who he thinks should at least get preseason games with the team. Dan goes on to say he thinks they'll start full team practices soon.

Sid looks happy and then he doesn't, as if he's suddenly remembered why he and Kris were in an argument. "I'm looking forward to it," he continues. He doesn't bother looking at Kris for approval before leaving.

"You sure everything's okay?" Dan asks. 

"Yeah, I'm sure we'll figure it out. I don't think he's my biggest fan right now, though," Kris replies. Dan pats him on the back. "Don't stay for me," he says, sending Kris on his way to talk to Sid.

Sid is home, just as Kris thought he would be. He doesn't look happy, though. "I just want to play," Sid says, not waiting for Kris to start. He knows where this is going, they both do and neither like it.

"I want you to play, Sid. I'm not trying to stop you, I'm trying to get you to admit there's an outside possibility you'll need to take some time off, even just a practice," Kris replies. Sid wants to be mad, Kris can tell. He can always tell when Sid  _wants_  to be mad; only because it's so different from when he  _is_  mad. It also means he knows Kris is right, that Mario is right, and he might actually need to take time off. "Obviously we'll see how it goes, maybe you'll be fine. You've been fine before, but it's just something that  _could_  possibly happen and you should go in knowing that," Kris adds. 

Sid's face softens and he slumps down on the couch. "I'm being a brat, aren't I?" Sid asks. Kris just smiles and jumps on the couch beside him. "You're allowed to be a brat, you're Sid the Kid," he jokes, moving in for a kiss. Sid snarls and bites at Kris' chin. "You're a brat," Sid jokes. 

"Two peas, eh?" Kris replies. Sid rolls his eyes and then sits up. "I'm scared," he admits. 

"I'm here," Kris says, holding Sid's hand. It's not about the game or not playing anymore. Kris can tell Sid's thinking about having to face his problems when he talks to the psychiatrist. It's no like he hasn't been facing them in his dreams, but Kris knows Sid has a hard time talking about things sometimes. Even good things he struggles with, so he can't imagine Sid feeling comfortable with someone poking at his brain for the bad stuff, either. 

Before either says anything else, the phone rings and Flower asks if they want to have a movie night, since he has the house to himself. Kris is reluctant, about to say no, but Sid takes the phone and says they'll be there. "I'm not crazy," Sid says to Kris, "I'm allowed to have fun."

"I never said you weren't," Kris smiles. He wanted to go out already, so Sid saying yes makes it easier for him. 

"Good," Sid smiles.

_______

They get to Marc's place and Colby is there. It's more than surprising, this close to the season, but Sid smiles and gives him a hug. "What are you doing here?"

"Just came up for a visit," Colby answers. "I have to head back in the morning, but figured I'd come up, eh?"

"It's good to see you," Sid smiles. He takes a seat next to Colby as they begin to catch up. Kris sits next to Sid and watches them silently. It's not like him and Colby weren't friends, but he was pretty Sid's first friend on the team. Kris wonders if Sid came out to him or not, if maybe Kris sitting so close to Sid seems weird to him. And then Marc comes back with drinks and Kris stops thinking about it.

The movie's good, but it's not great. Kris can tell Sid enjoys it, though. He catches himself watching Sid a couple times, once or twice Colby catches him watching Sid and he wonders if it's weird for him. Kris isn't even sure why he's thinking about it this much. It's not like it matters - even if he had a problem with it (which Kris is aware there is no reason to think this), it wouldn't matter because he's headed back to Montreal in the morning. 

Sid looks over at Kris, smiles, and holds his hand. "Good movie?" he whispers, kindly reminding Kris that there is actually a movie playing that he should at least pretend to watch. It seems alright, but it's more violence than Kris likes in his movies. 

When the movie ends, they have an other one planned, but Sid skips off to the bathroom first. Kris follows with his eyes, waiting for the door to open and Sid to come out. It must be noticeable because Colby smiles at him when he looks back. "How's Montreal?" Kris asks. It's a stupid question - Kris knows how Montreal is, but he didn't know what else to say.

Colby smiles again. "It's fine, if you're into it," he answers. "Long way from Sask, but so is Pittsburgh," he shrugs. 

"Do you miss it here?" Kris asks. It's another stupidly awkward question and he doesn't know why Colby answers, but he does. "I miss it, yeah. But it is what it is," he says. It's a perfect answer, Kris thinks. It is what it is. That's pretty much a quote that can be applied to anything.

Kris doesn't know what else to say, though. And he's getting nervous, even though he can't quite say why. Colby is his friend, not a threat. Which is why it makes less sense when he blurts out, "I'm dating Sid," and he says it right when Sid comes back from the bathroom and people are looking at them because, yeah, they knew, but his insecurity comes out clear and Sid is staring at him and it's all too much.

"I thought he seemed happy," Colby replies and Kris doesn't know why he hates that  _that_  was his reaction, but he does. Until Sid sits back down, face slightly red and he sits deep into the couch, as if willing it to swallow him whole. "I'm sorry," Kris says. Sid raises an eyebrow, like he doesn't know what he's talking about but Kris can read him. 

They get through the next movie and then it's time to go. Marc offers them to stay longer, but Sid insists he needs his sleep and he won't get it there. It's true, they never end up sleeping when Marc has one of his movie nights. It's just staying up all night, even when they don't drink. Kris is perfectly fine with going home to sleep, but he thinks he might get a word from Sid before that happens. 

Almost as soon as Kris starts driving, Sid asks him why he said it. "I don't know," Kris answers. "I got nervous? I didn't know if he knew anything about us or you and you didn't say anything and he was looking at me and I just freaked out, okay?" Kris says, all to fast. 

Sid actually laughs at him. "I didn't really tell him about us, but I mentioned having suspicions about being gay, if that makes you feel any better," he answers. 

"I don't really know what I wanted, I just didn't know," Kris shrugs. "Do you still talk to him a lot?" Kris asks.

Sid laughs again, but harder this time. "You are  _not_  jealous of Army," he says.

"No, I was asking a question," Kris defends, "I just wasn't sure how he'd react or if he knew."

"Army isn't exactly my type, you know," Sid grins. Kris rolls his eyes, but lets Sid continue. "I mean, he's not good looking, he's straight, and he's too skinny."

"Are you really doing this?" Kris asks. "And I'm not skinny?"

"You're not fat, but he's almost all bone and, I mean, it kind of works for him, but it's not my style. At all."

"Have you actually thought that much about him?" Kris asks. 

"No?" Sid blushes. "The thought may have come up, but not in an actual thought-thought"

"Wow, and what next, you thought about Flower and Talbo?" Kris asks. Sid blushes darker and Kris really doesn't know what to say. "So, if I didn't kiss you?"

"I probably would have done nothing, but it's not the point. I like you, we're compatible. Talbo isn't my type in pretty much any way and I'm not really attracted to him, Marc is-- not very attractive, either. Plus they're both straight."

"Geno?" Kris asks, might as well cover his bases. 

"Language barrier is unrealistic," Sid points out, adding, "and he's too tall."

Kris laughs at that. "I feel so loved," he shakes his head.

"I do love you," Sid groans. The rest of the drive is fine after that, Sid talks about how the movies were good. He likes action movies more than Kris, but he listens to Sid anyway, because that's what he does.

When they get home, they really do go to bed. They've had a stressful day, and while it's ending well, still takes a lot out of them. Kris makes some tea and they split a cup before they strip down and crawl under the covers. Sid falls asleep almost instantly and Kris lets the pattern of his breathing lull him to sleep.

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris and Sid come clean.

Kris wakes up to Sid's knee in his crotch and a phone ringing. He doesn't even realize it's Sid's phone until he's answered it and some very confused sounding guy asks for Sidney. "Who's this?" 

"Um, it's Bryan, um, Laden," he answers. "Sidney gave me this number, said I could call him - I'm sorry if it's not-" he starts, but Kris interrupts. "No, no, he's here," Kris laughs. He can almost picture Laden freaking out, thinking Sid gave him the wrong number. "Hold on, okay, Bryan?"

Kris mutes the phone before he wakes Sid. "Bryan's on the phone," Kris explains when he's met with a grouchy glare.

"Laden?" Sid asks. 

"Yeah, the kid," he rolls his eyes. Sid sits up and tries to explain that he wanted to talk to Kris about telling Bryan he's - maybe they were gay - but he never got around to it. He apologises to Kris and tells him he'll just give him some hockey pointers, but Kris kisses him silent. "Tell him," he replies. "I've answered your phone, might as well tell him."

Kris doesn't really know why it matters so much to Sid, but the look in his eyes was enough for Kris to know he made the right choice. Sid takes the phone and unmutes it. "Hey, Bryan?" he asks. 

"Yeah, I'm here," Bryan comes over the line. Sid puts it on speaker so Kris can hear as well.

"Sorry I kept you waiting, just got out of bed," Sid explains with a bit of a laugh. Kris rolls his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I could call later, if you want," Bryan says. 

"Don't worry, I just slacked off today," Sid replies. Kris gets up and pulls on a shirt, feeling a little weird talking to a kid shirtless. He tosses one to Sid as well, just to be polite. "Anyway, the reason I wanted you to call - well, about what you told me the other day, is," Sid stumbles, "Did you want to get lunch?" he resolves. Kris' eyes go wide and he holds back a laugh before Sid realizes what that seems like. "Not like a date or whatever-" he corrects, "but I'd rather talk in person?"

"Um, alright, I guess. I don't really know Pittsburgh, though," Bryan answers, cautiously. 

"It's no problem, we'll pick you up," Sid offers. Kris' brimming with laughter, turning red to hold it in. 

"We?" Bryan asks. Sid feels bad for making him nervous and thinks he should have planned it out better, or at all.

"Oh, uh, is it okay if I bring Kris along?" Sid asks.

"Kunitz?" Bryan asks, sounding surprised. Kris isn't sure if he should be offended by that.

"No, Letang," Sid answers, swatting at Kris. 

"Oh, um, yeah. That's fine," Bryan answers. 

"Cool, be outside of the hotel in about twenty?" Sid suggests. It's almost noon, anyway. Bryan agrees and then Sid forces himself to get dressed.

"You'd think sleeping in would make you less grumpy when you do wake up," Kris points out. Sid just glares and fixes his belt.

\------

When they pick up Bryan, he looks nervous. Why wouldn't he, Kris thinks. He didn't tell Kris, and now all of a sudden Kris was involved. The ride to the diner is pretty quiet, but it's not a long drive.

They order their lunch and make small talk about how camp is going until their orders get there. It's not busy, so that really doesn't take long, either. Kris isn't sure how to start the conversation, but thankfully Sid does. "You're probably wondering why I asked you to lunch, and why Kris is here," Sid starts. Bryan nods, keeping his eyes on Sid. "It's about what you told me about yourself the other day," Sid continues. 

"Me being gay?" Bryan says without hesitation and Kris admires that.

"Yes," Sid answers, "One of the reasons I have asked you is because I really want you to know we accept you, no matter what. You're a very talented player and you've impressed everyone in management with your hard work and skill, but we - Kris and I thought we should tell you-" Sid starts, but Bryan stops him.

"But someone on the team doesn't accept me?" Bryan asks, glancing over at Kris.

"No, no," Sid says, "I haven't told anyone, Bryan. Just Kris, because -" Sid stumbles. Kris takes pity on him, mostly for Bryan's sake. "We're gay," Kris says. 

"What?" Bryan asks, total shock on his face.

"Sid and I have been dating since last season," Kris answers. "The guys on the team know and they're fine with it, really. We just thought you should know."

"Why?" Bryan asks. 

"I didn't tell you before because I wasn't sure how Kris would feel, since you didn't make the team yet and anything could happen," Sid explains.

"And the guys don't care?" Bryan asks.

"Nope," Kris answers. 

"Neither of you have done a You Can Play video," Bryan points out, "Why?"

"Brooks did one," Kris says. "I don't really have a good answer for not, though," he adds. Sid nods. "I've thought about it, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to come out."

"You don't think you supporting it would be enough?" Bryan asks. 

"Not when I am gay," Sid answers. "If they ask me, I'll do it, but I'd feel like I'm lying if I support someone coming out and don't actually do it myself."

"Is that why you're coming out to me?" Bryan asks.

"In part, yes. You had the courage to come up to me and tell me and I respect the hell out of that. You didn't need to, had I been someone who wasn't okay with it, it would be a huge gamble if that were the case. I'm proud of you, you're a great player and I honestly think this helped your chances of making the team."

"I didn't do it to make the team," Bryan points out.

"That's the point," Kris adds. "You didn't know it, you showed you don't care and we were already impressed with your playing already."

"Do you think I'll make the team?" Bryan asks. 

"I don't make those choices, but I'd say there's a good shot, yeah," Sid answers. Bryan's face lights up, but he tries not to show his excitement, which reminds Kris of Sid a little bit.

"Dan said he'll be starting full team practices soon," Sid starts, but his phone rings and interrupts him. "Um, excuse me, please," he says before stepping away.

Kris continues telling Bryan what the next few days should be like and answers some questions Bryan has. They're talking about Quebec when Sid comes back - Bryan spent his Junior career playing for various teams in the Q, something the three of them actually have in common. Bryan's telling Kris about his time in Rimouski his first year and how much they love Sid there, when Sid comes back. "What's that?" Sid asks. 

"He's just saying Rimouski still has it bad for you," Kris laughs and Sid blushes, because when he's not in media mode, it's incredibly easy to do to him.

"Whatever," Sid laughs, "I'm sorry, but I have to go, if that's okay," he excuses himself again.

"Everything okay?" Kris asks. "Yeah," Sid answers, "Mario wants to talk to me about something," he adds. 

"Want me to come?" Kris asks.

"It shouldn't take long," Sid shrugs. "Do you want a ride back to the hotel, Bryan?"

"Yeah, sure," Bryan nods. He follows Kris and Sid to the car and they talk a bit more about moving forward in camp before they drop him off.

"So, Mario?" Kris asks once they're alone.

"He gave me the number for the doctor," Sid answers. "I didn't want to seem rude."

Kris smiles at that. "Figures," he says. "So, you're going to make the appointment?"

"I guess so," Sid answers. 

"It'll be okay," Kris says. Sid nods, but he's not completely convinced even though he knows it's the best option. Possibly the only option.

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mario helps Kris understand the values of having a relationship.

Kris scrolls through his phone, keeping his other hand in his pocket, playing with his keys. "You okay?" Mario asks, snapping Kris out of his reading. "Sid at his appointment, eh?" Mario asks.

"Yeah," Kris nods. He went to the rink thinking it would keep his mind off Sid, but it's been nothing but thinking about Sid. He's not even sure when the players got on the ice.

"I know the guy personally, he's a really good doctor and he uses a lot of different techniques, not just talking or pills," Mario tries. Kris nods. "I trust you, I just wish I could be there to support him, you know?"

"Want to talk for a bit?" Mario asks. "We could chat in my office," he offers. Kris thinks about it, then agrees, because it's a lot better than standing around doing nothing. He goes to sit on a chair in front of Mario's desk, but Mario steers him towards the couch at the other side of his office. Kris smiles, thinking about all the jokes around the dressing room about this very couch. He doesn't normally let people sit on it, most of the guys haven't even sat on it and probably never will. It's the kind of thing that's intimidating, for some reason, when you're not allowed to sit on it, but then it's the most comforting thing once you have. 

"What's on your mind?" Mario asks. 

"Right now, I'm kind of thinking I'm getting special treatment because I'm dating the captain," Kris answers honestly.

"You know that's not true," Mario answers. "I know it feels like we're treating the two of you differently, but we've gone through similar things before, we just don't tell anyone else so, yeah, it seems special. Anxiety, sexuality, depression, addiction, this organization stands by it's players and I've opened my door to a number of people."

Kris nods, because that makes sense. "I'm sorry," Kris says. "I guess I just feel like everyone's looking at us lately and with the psychiatrist and the stuff with Laden -"

"Laden?" Mario asks. 

"Fuck," Kris sighs. "It's nothing bad, but I can't tell you," Kris adds. "It's just that lately I've felt kind of trapped. I can't explain it, but it's not because of Sid, I swear."

"I think I understand," Mario says. "We're a little short on time before the season, but I think it'd be a good idea for you to take Sid out of the city. Just for a day, maybe a night. Just to get away from camp, hockey, everything," Mario suggests. "It's going to be a long season and you've been going through a lot this past summer; it wouldn't be easy for anyone."

Kris nods again and then he makes eye-contact with Mario and he can't hold it in any longer. "I'm sorry, I lied," Kris apologises. "Not about it not being Sid's fault, it isn't," Kris adds. He takes a couple of breaths before he goes on, Mario waiting patiently. "I just don't know what to do. I love him so much, more than anything and I'm not thinking of leaving him or hurting him or anything, but I just want him to get better. I can't help feeling like I'm failing him."

"You're not," Mario answers. He moves closer to Kris, pulling him into a hug. "I know it's hard, but you're doing great. You're being there for him, helping him, and you're loving him, Kris. That's more important than anything."

"I'm just afraid," Kris admits. "It's my fault he's having the dreams, it's my fault he came out to his dad and I can't fix it," he accuses. "I know it sounds stupid, but I never dated anyone like Sid. I never cared about anyone as much as I care about him. I mean, it hurts to see him in pain and when he wakes up crying, it makes me physically sick. I just feel like we're doomed to be out of control, like we shouldn't be together."

Mario sighs and pats Kris on the knee. "Before I was diagnosed with cancer," Mario starts.  Kris moves back to look at Mario as he talks. "When I felt the lump I didn't do anything about it. I didn't tell Nathalie because she had enough to deal with. Being a hockey player's wife is hard as it is, but she had to deal with taking care of me, injury after injury, and I didn't want to add to it all. Especially while she was pregnant," Mario explains. "I didn't want to let anyone know. I mean, I knew I had to let them know if it was cancer, but I was afraid of how people would see me, if they'd give up on me. I'd been through so many injuries I wasn't sure if even Nathalie would stay with me."

"What did you do?" Kris asks, willing his eyes to stop watering. "I mean, you obviously told her, right?"

Mario nods "When I found out it was cancer, I cried the entire drive home. Obviously, I was afraid for my life, my career, we didn't know much about cancer those days, but I was afraid of letting her down the most. It was like telling her would make it real and I didn't think I was ready for it, wasn't ready to face that I might not be  _there_  for her and the baby," he pauses, taking a deep breath. "She was sleeping on the couch and I woke her up to her favourite tea and told her just as I had learned. She cried, I cried, it was a very hard time; and I still think it was harder on her than it was on me, but I know for sure I couldn't have done it without her."

Kris is crying at that point as he looks at Mario and knows right away why Mario told it to him. "So you're saying I need to support him no matter what?" Kris asks. 

Mario smiles at him, but shakes his head. "I'm saying you're both equally important. If I wasn't there for her as much as she was there for me, she would have struggled to support herself. We worked then and still today because we are a team."

Kris nods. "I'm just afraid I'll make him worse," he admits.

"That's normal. Not only that, but it's a good thing. It means you care that much about him."

Kris nods. Before he can comment further, his phone rings and Sid is done how appointment. Kris excuses himself and Mario wishes him good luck as he leaves to see Sid.  
  
\--

Kris brings Sid into a hug when he gets back. Sid seems... better, maybe. "How'd it go?" Kris asks.

"Alright, I guess," Sid shrugs. "We talked, mostly, and then he got me to do this breathing thing."

"Did it help?" Kris asks.

"Kind of, yeah," Sid answers. "He said I should do it before bed, any time I'm anxious."

"I'll do it with you, if you want," Kris says. Sid smiles, moving closer to Kris and resting his head on Kris' shoulder. "Thanks," Sid whispers. 

"It's nothing," Kris replies. Sid keeps his head on Kris and lets them gently sway. "It's not nothing."

"It's the least I could do, Sid. I'd do anything to help you feel better."

"I would, too," Sid agrees, "If you needed it."

"I know," Kris smiles, because he does know. 

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris takes Sid for a drive.

Sid teaches Kris the breathing exercises he learned from the psychiatrist. Kris thinks they're really helping, but Sid isn't as sure. He feels good when he's doing it and right after, but he's nervous about thinking of it as a solution when it could be just getting his hopes up for nothing.

His next dream isn't a bad one. It's confusing, more than anything.  _Him and Kris are sitting in the management office and Kris and Shero are talking, but Sid isn't really listening. He's just staring off, pretending to listen. Then Mario comes in, pats Sid on the shoulder and says it's going to be okay with a smile that Sid's come to be comforted by. But Sid isn't sure why it's necessary, so he looks to Kris, who looks a little nervous. "We knew we'd have to come out sooner or later," Kris shrugs._

_"What?" Sid asks. Ray, Kris, and Mario give him worried looks. "The article," Kris answers._

_They were outed at his sister's hockey game, a quick kiss hours after it ended when the arena was all but empty. That wasn't the way he thought it would happen. They've taken their chances over the years at Consol, but it's almost offensive that someone would take pictures outing them at a fucking high school game. Sid's angry, but then he looks at the people around him and it's okay. It's good, actually.  They don't have to hide._

Sid wakes up with a bit of a smile, until he realizes it's just a dream. "What's wrong?" Kris asks, pulling Sid in for a kiss.

"Nothing, just had a weird dream," Sid shrugs before kissing back. Kris's smile falls. "Bad one?"

"No. Just weird," Sid shrugs. 

"So, Ray called and said we can have two days off and I was thinking we could drive out of state, go to a beach or something?" Kris suggests, "It won't be busy this time of year, so we could just spend the whole day alone, away from everything?"

Sid wants to say yes, it sounds amazing, but. "I don't know," Sid sighs. 

"We don't have to, Sid. We could stay here, too, if you wanted."

"It's not that," Sid replies. He pauses to think about why he's reluctant to say no, but he can't think of an actual reason. "Can we go to Detroit?"

"Why?" Kris asks, looking at Sid like he's crazy. 

"My sister has a game," Sid answers. "I don't usually get to see her play."

Kris smiles at that. "If that's what you want, yeah."

"There's something else," Sid adds. "My dream; it was us talking to Shero and everyone because we were outed at my sister's game."

"Sid, that's-" Kris starts, but Sid interrupts him. "I know it doesn't mean anything. And I'm not ready to come out, but it made me realize that I'd be okay with it because I love you and no asshole can mess that up for me - us, I hope."

Kris smiles. "I'd call Burkie right now if that was what you wanted."

Sid would admit the thought had crossed his mind once or twice, but he smiles back. "No, no. It also made me think about Taylor. I haven't been there for her, not like I should have been. I want to see her play again."

"Your sister adores you and not because she has to, but I have no problem seeing her play," Kris moves in to kiss Sid.

Sid thinks about calling Taylor, but thinks he should surprise her. She has pre-game stuff to think about, anyway. He wouldn't want to bother her, throw her off her game. Especially when her season has been so good so far. 

He'd be lying if he said he doesn't keep an eye on her stats. He even streams her games sometimes, when they show them. He's been actively paying attention to her since he left, even though he hasn't been able to go to games. He does often worry about her, wishing he could just be a good brother. And then he's not sure if he would even be helping her out or not.

By the time Sid's done reflecting on his job as an older brother, Kris has them out the door. They manage to get to Detroit before the game, but not enough time to see or talk to Taylor. The man at the ticket vendor seems to recognize them and hands them their tickets with a big smile, as if they weren't there to see the opposing team. Then again, maybe he didn't know that. Not everyone knows about Taylor Crosby, even though she's very good. He thinks he likes it that way, at least she's somewhat protected from what he went through.

They get to their seats and talk a little bit while they watch warm ups. Sid smiles at his sister's shuffle in her crease. He nudges Kris to look and they both laugh a little. Sid loves watching her play, the SSM jersey looks good on her - way better than it ever looked on him.

She has a good game, and the girls play well in front of her, too. They end up winning 2-1 and Sid finds himself smiling as he pulls Kris from his seat. "Off to the post-game," Sid laughs. Kris doesn't think he's seen Sid look this excited in a long time. He's been nearly bouncing on his heels all day. It makes sense, though. Such a big age difference, they couldn't have had so much time together before Sid left.

They talk to the equipment manager, who gives them a bit of a hard time, since they're unannounced, but he ends up letting them through. Sid asks to speak to Taylor Crosby, but not to tell her who it is and they get a knowing smile in return before they're left to wait until she's done showering. 

"Are you sure I should be here?" Kris asks. "I mean, it wouldn't be weird for you, but me?"

"It was a dream, Kris. Nothing's going to happen. Besides, I could lie and say I'm trying to hook you up," Sid laughs. Kris doesn't know what to say; he's not sure if he should be shocked at Sid making a joke, or making a joke about him dating his sister - who is also a minor.

"You seem happy," Kris points out, ignoring the joke-ish thing that Sid made. He actually wonders sometimes if Sid really doesn't know how to joke, because how can someone who speaks a language fluently get jokes wrong that often? It's not like he's Geno or something.

"I love watching her play," Sid beams. "I never really got to, I was told to focus on my game, not hers," Sid sighs. 

But then Taylor comes out and shrieks when she sees them. She hugs them both, planting a kiss on both of them as well. "I didn't know you were coming!" She blushes. A Crosby trait, Kris thinks to himself. 

"Shero gave us a day or two off, so we thought we'd come see you play," Sid says, keeping his arm around Taylor. His expression is so different around her, Kris can tell how much he loves her. 

"Is everything alright?" Taylor asks, looking to Kris.

"Everything's fine, Taylor," Kris answers, "He just thought Sid could use a break before the season."

"Still having dreams?" Taylor asks, worried. 

"Sort of?" Sid shrugs. "I'm seeing a different doctor, so we'll see. I'm supposed to be getting my mind off hockey, but thought I want to see you play more," he laughs. Kris really doesn't know how to deal with Sid sometimes. He wonders if he'd be able to take an actual day off hockey without it being a physical impossibility keeping him away. Even through his concussion, he followed games on twitter or the TSN website when it was too harsh on his head. They hadn't been dating the first time. That kind of amazes Kris, that they knew each other so well even before the kiss.

But then, he didn't know Sidney that well, did he? Not until after, not until they really got to know each other. Kris thinks there are still things he doesn't know about Sid, but he's not upset about it. There are things Kris doesn't tell Sid, though he might some day. Just hasn't come up, so far.

Taylor pleads with her coach to let her go to dinner with Sid. It's against their rules, but she agrees, as long as they stay in the hotel. The three talk about hockey for a bit, both men complimenting her game and teammates. Both Taylor and Sid are glowing and Kris wonders if he is as well, because he's not sure he's been this happy in a while, either. The conversation turns and they're talking about how things are with Sid and Kris. Kris doesn't want to admit that he watches Sid as he talks about them, to read his feelings because he can't help but feel that Sid keeps things to himself. Still, he seems genuinely happy.

When dinner's done and Taylor's coach is eyeing them to finish up, Sid kisses her cheek goodbye and hugs her tightly. "Good game, kiddo," Sid teases once more before sending her on her way. She doesn't kiss Kris this time, not with the coach watching and not when she can't explain that Kris is her brother's boyfriend, so it's just like kissing her brother. The smile he gets is fine, though, because it means the same thing and Kris thinks that Taylor being as supportive as she's been will help Sidney.

They spend the rest of the night at a different hotel, overlooking a beach. Kris didn't know Detroit could actually be appealing, but leave it to Sid to be determined enough to prove him wrong. It's quiet - as dead as Kris was hoping, but they just spend the night in their room - on the balcony, mostly - and they don't even talk that much. "I love the sound of the waves," Sid says. 

"I know," Kris replies, thinking back to their time on the beach during the summer. 

"I'm glad you and Taylor get along," Sid adds, after a while. "I sometimes think she's the only reason I even talk to my dad," he sighs. "Now I'm not so sure he'll even accept a call."

"Sidney," Kris tries. Sid looks into his eyes and kisses him, deep and hard. "I'd rather live my life with you than lie to please him," Sid answers, resting his head on Kris' chest and looking out at the sky.

"We could invite Taylor over for Thanksgiving or something," Kris suggests. "I mean, if that wouldn't get her in trouble?"

"You'd want to bring her over?" Sid asks. 

"Yeah, she's a good kid," Kris answers. "And she makes you happy."

"I think my dad would hate me even more," Sid sighs. "Except he still wants me for my money, I guess."

"Don't say that," Kris sits up. Sid just shakes his head. "How can I not?"

"I don't know," Kris shrugs. "I really wish I could say something to make you feel better."

"You do make me feel better," Sid smiles.

"Not in the way that you need, though."

"Kris, nothing is easy. It'll take time for me to get better, but for now, this works."

Kris nods, knowing Sid is right, because Mario told him the same thing and if he ever doubted Sid or Mario, he couldn't doubt both of them. "Hey," Sid breaks Kris' thoughts, "Don't you be going crazy on me, eh?" Sid jokes. Kris smiles and lets Sid move in and cover his body. "Let's take it inside, yeah?" Sid asks. Kris can't say no, so he follows Sid's lead and they go inside and make use of the rest of their night before drifting off to sleep together.

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pens get back to the grind of things.

Sid wakes up before Kris and it's not because of a dream, good or bad. He bites his lip as he watches Kris' chest slowly rise and fall. "Kris, baby," he says, softly. Kris doesn't stir. "Kristopher," Sid tries again, slinking up against him. He kisses Kris' cheek, then moves on to his ear and bites it, pulling lightly. 

After that, Sid gets a little more impatient and sneaks his hand down Kris' body, into his boxers and starts to stroke it. "Mmm," Kris  moans, finally waking up. "Morning to you, too," he adds.

"I want you," Sid whispers into Kris' ear, pressing his groin into Kris' leg. Kris smirks and pulls Sid down and rolls him over. "Me, too," he smiles. 

Kris gives into Sid and slips out of his boxers. Sid does the same, grinning into Kris' neck. He rubs against Kris, moaning when Kris grips them both together in his hand, stroking lazily against their slow thrusts, keeping a rhythm.

Kris contemplates going back to sleep when they're done, still on the right side of exhausted, but Sid shoves him off and pulls him into the shower. For someone who doesn't seem to like mornings, Sid hates being lazy. Still something Kris has to get used to. 

The shower is a nice change, though. They kiss lazily and take turns washing, but it really doesn't escalate beyond being an unnecessarily long shower and they're on the road not long after. 

"Do you think Laden will make the team?" Sid asks, staring out the window.

"He has as good a shot as anyone," Kris shrugs. "Why? Do you think you're starting to think unfairly in his favour?"

"I want to get to know him," Sid answers. "He was willing to risk his career to be himself."

"Not everybody makes a big deal of their sexuality, Sid," Kris shrugs. "I never cared."

"Yeah, but you never came up to the captain of a team you hadn't made and told them you were gay."

"Fair enough, but I did kiss you," Kris reminds him. 

"And sent me into an anxiety attack," Sid jokes, but Kris' mouth twitches and Sid feels bad about it. "I didn't mean-" he pauses, "Kris, it wasn't your fault."

"I know," Kris defends, "I guess, I mean. It did happen that way, right?"

"I was just surprised that you kissed me, Kris, you didn't start anything, alright?" Sid offers. Kris nods and Sid can tell he's just trying to make Sid calm down. Sid can tell Kris feels guilty and he wishes that could change as much as he wishes the dreams would stop.

Sid starts his breathing, which Kris notices and starts as well. It's as calming for Kris as it should be for Sid - which it does help, but not amazingly. He still feels off. 

When they get back to Pittsburgh, they spend the rest of the day between various states of relaxing, watching movies, and talking about non-serious and non-hockey things. Sid thinks he might actually be relaxed, for once.

\--

The next day, they're both on the ice together, along with the rest of the team and some of the prospects who haven't been cut yet. Laden is among them, but so are a few others who'll give him a run for his money. Sid feels good to be in his jersey again. Dan tells them to do rushes, but keep it light for the first half hour. After that, Sid and Geno are picked to form groups and Geno picks Kris first, so Sid picks Flower. After that, they pick a mix of prospects and teammates in various orders so nobody feels like the last one standing. Laden, of course, was picked top-five after Flower and he smiles at Sid, but Sid isn't one to give him an easy task. They go to the benches and Sid pokes at some lines, putting Laden, himself, and Neal together and he imagines Geno's lines are pretty stacked as well.

Dan blows the whistle and they're off. First real scrimmage and Sid can feel his cheeks heating up, feeling so alive again. After the first few shifts, Sid moves Laden with Dupuis and Cooke, so he can get a good look at him. "Laddy, I want you on the dot for this one, okay?" Sid says before they start back up. Laden wins the faceoff against Philippe Dupuis, who is a natural centre. He can see Dan's smirk from the box as he watches Sid take control. 

Geno yells something to the Russian guy he picked for his team and the kid runs Laden, but he doesn't give up the puck. Sid smiles at Laden's pass to Cooke before taking the hit and then they switch lines. "Good out there, Bryan, nice physical play," Sid comments. Laden smiles and nods, keeping his eyes on the ice. 

Sid's next shift if against Kris and Geno, so he's not surprised when he's nailed to the boards and frisked for the puck. He elbows his way out of the corners, passing the puck and putting his team ahead for the third time. 

When Dan blows the final whistle, Geno's team is down only one goal, but everyone played their best, trying to test of the 'new blood'. They pile around Dan as he gives a final speech. Sid showers quickly and swings by Dan's office to ask who he thinks will make the team. "You've really tested some of the boys, have any ideas?" Dan asks. 

"Not my choice," Sid shrugs. Dan laughs, "You have some pull on that matter and you know it."

"I guess," Sid shrugs again. Dan puts down the stack of papers he'd been organizing and walks over to Sid. "Something bothering you?" Dan asks.

"No, I just think they're a good group of guys. I'm not sure who stands out the most," Sid answers, which is his honest opinion, bias removed.

"It's not do or die, Sid," Dan laughs. "Some guys get called up and then sent down until they're ready, you know how it goes."

Sid nods. "You're right. I may be over-thinking things lately," he explains. 

"I'm going upstairs to chat with Ray and Mario, you're welcome to come," Dan offers, picking up a folder and clipboard from his desk. 

"No, thanks," Sid declines. "I should be getting back."

"Alright," Dan agrees, "Sid, take it easy, eh?"

Sid blushes, but nods and walks back to the dressing room to find Kris. Almost everyone's gone by then, just some of the slower guys and Kris wrestling with Fleury.

"Ready?" Kris asks, fully dressed and pushing Flower away with a big grin at overpowering the goalie.

"Yep," Sid nods, playfully pushing Kris out the door. "Later, guys," he calls into the room.

\--

"You seem happy," Kris observes as they drive back. 

"It was nice to play again," Sid nods. "I feel a lot better, you know? Even calling lines and plays, it just felt so good," he explains. Kris nods, smile playing at his lips because Sidney's happiness is very contagious.

"Are you going to take Dan's job now?" Kris laughs. 

"Are you kidding? I get enough attention as it is, and Dan is awesome at his job."

"You'll make an awesome coach one day," Kris teases. "Sid the 'Coach' Kid," he adds. 

Sid rolls his eyes and groans. "Spare me?" he asks. 

Kris smiles and claps Sid on the back. "Never," he admits. 

"How can you look so nice when you're admitting my doom?" Sid complains.

"I always look good," Kris shrugs. "How are you feeling?"

Sid rolls his eyes again. "Fine."

"Are you playing Wednesday?" Kris asks. "Am I, for that matter?"

"Don't know, Dan's still figuring things out. I'll probably be out for the first exhibition games," Sid shrugs. 

"Want to cut tomorrow's practice?" Kris asks. Sid glares at him, unsure if he was joking or not. "I think you like bossing me around too much," Kris observes, pouting.

"I wasn't bossing you around, we weren't on the same team."

"For the scrimmage," Kris huffs. "You seem to take pride in calling me out any other time."

"Quit being a baby," Sid laughs. 

"You're one to talk," Kris pouts. Sid shrugs as they pull into the garage. His first thought is he's glad to be home, followed by the need for food. "We need food," Sid groans, finding his way to the kitchen.

"Are you immune to actually eating healthy?" Kris asks, eyeing Sid's box of Lucky Charms.

"It's not that bad," Sid shrugs. "I mean, they sell it, right?"

"Most cereal companies don't have souls," Kris jokes. He goes to the fridge and picks out an apple, ignoring the pressed look on Sid's face. He grabs another one and tosses it to Sid. "You can use more fruit," he shrugs when Sid gares again... or still, who knows. 

"Your captain face doesn't work on me, you know," Kris informs him, sitting on the other side of the island with his apple.

"I'll sic Geno on you," Sid replies. Kris laughs, mostly because Sid probably would and he knows Geno could take him easily. But Sid takes a bite from the apple, anyway and Kris smiles.

When Sid's done his apple they make their way to the living room and slump into the couch. Heavy practices are hard to get used to, and even if Sidney won't admit it, he looks tired too. Kris thinks about moving to the bed room, but Sid's already snuggling into him and he's not ready to do stairs, so he just settles in and puts on a movie neither will end up paying attention to. They end up falling asleep almost right away. 


	22. Chapter 22

Kris wakes up to the phone ringing. Sidney's still asleep, so he quickly takes it into the other room to answer it. "Hello?"

"Is this Kristopher?" Kris knows what he wants to say, he wants to say a whole lot more than 'yes', but that's all that comes out of his mouth. "I know Sidney won't want to talk to me and I wouldn't put it past you to hang up, either, but would you hear me out?"

Again, all Kris wants to do is tell Troy off. Explain how much Kris couldn't give a shit what he thought him or Sidney would do. Only, as much as Sid wanted it to not matter, it did. "What?" Kris asks, waiting for Troy to explain his call. 

He heads down stairs and listens to Troy speak. "Taylor called me," he starts. "She said you and Sidney drove up to see her play and spend time with her." 

"And?" Kris asks, waiting for Troy to say  _something_  so he can give Troy a piece of his mind. Instead, Troy thanks him and Kris almost laughs at him. 

"I'm serious, Kristopher. I know I haven't been the best father to him, especially lately, but you have to understand where I'm coming from. Finding out my son is gay was hard enough, I didn't need everyone ganging up on me."

"Why was it hard, though?" Kris asks. "If anything, it should have been hard on Sid; and only until his father - as in you - tells him that it doesn't matter and everything will be alright. That's when it gets easy and there's no problem and life goes on," Kris explains.

"Don't put that on me," Troy raises his voice.  "I admit I reacted badly, but it's not something I ever thought I had worry about."

"There you go again," Kris shouts, tired of everything. "Being gay isn't a bad thing. Sidney and I love each other. When has love ever been a bad thing?"

"It's not love that's the problem, surely you know this," Troy answers. "I love my son, I just don't see what kind of future he can have with another man, especially when it puts his career at risk. I'm worried for his sake."

"You're worried for the wrong reasons," Kris tries. "You worry if he's sick or hurt again, or making bad choices. You worry about his dreams, his anxieties, or whatever the hell else troubles him, you do not get to worry about who he loves."

"Kris?" Sid asks from the stairs. 

Kris turns around and offers a weak smile. "I have to go," Kris says into the phone before hanging up. "Morning," Kris opens his arms to Sid. 

"I heard yelling," Sid asks, slowly making his way to Kris. 

Kris sighs and nods, "It was-" he starts. Kris isn't sure he wants to tell the truth, but Sid takes that option away from him when he says "my dad."

"Yeah," Kris nods. "I'm sorry."

Sid swallows and Kris can tell he's fighting back tears. "He said he wanted to apologise, but he obviously didn't fully mean it," Kris explains. "Taylor told him we watched her play and he was saying thank you or something and just turned it into being about him having to deal," he continues. "I'm really sorry."

Sid shrugs, trying not to care anymore. "It's good to know where he stands," he sighs. 

"I'm sorry, Sid," Kris says again, pulling Sid into his arms again. 

"Thank you," Sid says, "for sticking up for me," he adds.

Kris smiles and shakes his head. "You shouldn't need sticking up for, in anything. You're amazing."

"My ego thanks you," Sid jokes a little awkwardly, clearly not knowing what else to say. Kris can't blame him, he wouldn't know what to say either.

Kris gives Sid a soft kiss before playfully pushing him onto the couch, going down with him. "It's too early for serious talk, let's cuddle," Kris suggests.

"I like your thinking," Sid agrees, pulling Kris down against him with his legs.

"Using your big, strong legs to keep me from escaping?" Kris laughs. Sid squeezes his legs tighter and threads his fingers through Kris' hair, pulling his face in for a kiss. 

"You'll never escape," Sid jokes. Kris tries to get out, but Sid's legs are unreasonably strong and Kris really doesn't think he could get loose if he really tried. 

"You win," Kris gives in, resting against Sid again. He moves in and cuddles into Sid, closing his eyes. "Comfy Sid," he says with a yawn.

"I'm hungry," Sid says, laughing uncontrollably at Kris' groan. His cheeks are red by the time he settles down and kicks Kris off the couch in favour of finding food.

"You're such a man," Kris points out. "Food now, cuddle later," he says in a mock manly voice.

Sid rolls his eyes and looks through the fridge, pulling out random things for a sandwich. When he's done making two sandwiches, he slides a plate with the healthier-looking sandwich to Kris and eats his own. "You continue to baffle me with your diet," Kris jokes. "But this is good."

Sid rolls his eyes again, giving Kris the thought that his eyes might actually fall out of his head soon. "I think coffee is needed, too," Kris says, eyeing the empty pot. 

Sid groans and stretches to press the button without actually getting up. Kris has gotten used to mornings starting slowly since the season ended, he's pretty sure they're both going to be cranky once it's early mornings nearly every day, but at least hockey will make it better. Coffee in to-go mugs, both Sid and Kris make their way to the rink. 

The groups are a lot smaller, but Laden and Kozlov are in group A this time, meaning they'll probably make the team. It's not a heavy practice, not like the day before. The game tomorrow means about half of the Penguins will be sitting out for prospects. Kris and Sid are both off the roster for game one, but they'll be in game two. 

Sid is still feeling good when practice ends and he gives some tips to some of the C and D group players, who stay on after A and B. Kris is showered and changed before Sid is even out of his gear, but that's okay. He's catching up with Flower again while he waits for Sid. It feels normal, which is good because hockey is just around the corner and it's going to kick their asses like it does every year. It's a good feeling. 

Sid comes out and smiles awkwardly when he walks up to Kris and Flower, who are speaking French. "Sid," Marc greets, patting him on the back. "How's it goin'?"

"Good," Sid answers. "Better, anyway," he adds. 

Marc nods. "Kris was telling me you're doing some breathing stuff," he continues. 

Sid looks at Kris, but doesn't say anything. "Yeah, it seems to be helping some," he says, instead.

"I was also saying how it looks like we'll have Laden and Kozlov hanging with us for a while," Kris tries, changing the subject. Marc nods, sensing the tension. 

"Looks like it," Sid agrees, "Both of them look good, ready. We'll see, though."

"I have to get back to Vero," Marc says, looking at the clock. 

"How's that going?" Sid asks. Marc smiles, "Very good." Kris can't help but smile with them, because Marc lights up the same way he's seen Sid around him and it's the best feeling someone else can give you. 

Marc leaves and it's just Sid and Kris. "Sorry," Kris apologises. Sid raises an eyebrow and Kris shakes his head. "I shouldn't have told him," he clarifies, "He just asked how you were doing and it came out."

"I'm not mad," Sid answers. "It's Flower," he shrugs. 

They get lunch on the way home and end up taking a walk through a park. Sid is cautious when they're out in public, which Kris is thankful for since more often than not he wouldn't think anything of them holding hands or anything. It's just another thing they do.

Kris thinks about what would happen if Sid wasn't so aware, what would happen if they were seen walking around and holding hands, standing too close for friends. What if they came out and could do those things without a second thought.

Sid smiles at him and Kris stops thinking about what if and smiles back because he knows it's for the best. Sid is his and all that matters is that their friends know and support them, even if not everybody does.  
.

Sid's next appointment is before the first exhibition game. Kris goes to talk to Mario again. He's not anxious about Sid this time, but it beats sitting around. He ends up playing a video game with Austin and Alexa until Sid calls.

Sid seems relaxed when they meet up at the rink. They chat on their way to the suite to watch the team play. Sid, as always, takes notes during warm ups as well as during the game. He even takes notes on the Isles players.

Kris has to admit both teams, prospects included, are impressive. Kris probably shouldn't admit that he gets oddly turned on when Sid gets technical about hockey. It's something about how into it he gets, how serious his eyes are.

"What?" Sid asks, taking his eyes off the game.

Kris smiles and sips his coke. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes," Sid answers seriously. Kris can't help but smile at his seriousness. "I like how into the game you get."

"I think you're the only one who gets turned on by hockey," Sid rolls his eyes.

"Really? Hockey is hot. I'm actually surprised you're not turned on by hockey."

"I am a normal person, maybe?" Sid shrugs. Kris almost laughs, but leaves it alone when Sid glares at him. He definitely didn't tell Sid his glare is sexy, either. But he probably knows. 

The game is pretty even, but the Pens have the advantage through the whole thing and end up winning 4-2. Kris looks over Sid's shoulder and reads his notes. They're more detailed than Mario's notes usually are and they highlight everybody, not just the prospects. 

"Are you going to give those to Dan or Ray?" Kris asks, because they'd probably find the workings of Sid's brain useful.

"I don't know," Sid just shrugs, because that's what Sid does. Never takes the credit that he deserves. It's part of his charm, probably. Kris isn't completely sure of what parts of Sid constitutes as charm.

"You should," Kris offers.

"Should what?" Mario asks, entering their suite.

"My notes," Sid answers, pulling his clipboard beside him. Kris smiles when Sid hands it over.

"These are good," Mario nods. "You should let Dan and Ray take a look," he agrees. Kris laughs as Sid groans. "I guess."

"I didn't come up here to badger you, though," Mario admits. "I was generally more concerned with how you're doing and if you boys want to play tomorrow?"

"I'm in," Kris answers. Sid nods, "I'm in, too."

"And the first question?" Mario asks.

"I'm fine," Sid answers. Kris nods, "I'm good, too," he answers.

"That's good to hear. I'll let you guys go, see you tomorrow," Mario replies. He leaves after handing Sid his clipboard back.

Kris notices Sid's smile, just small enough to be pure and just big enough to light up his eyes. Hockey is one of the keys to making Sidney Crosby happy. Playing the Rangers should be fun, take the edge off of what they've been dealing with.

They go to Dan's office before they head home and end up discussing the notes for over an hour before Dan kicks them out of his office and tells them to go home. 

It's only seven when they get back, so they order dinner (Pizza, since Sid really doesn't care about eating healthy) and pick a movie on Netflix. They talk through the movie, which seems to be almost routine when they watch movies alone, unless the movie is really interesting. They tidy up and clean their dishes before they call it an early night. 

"We're going to play tomorrow," Sid says and Kris doesn't have to look to know there's a smile on his face. He does look, just because he loves looking at Sid. Kris laughs at Sid's big grin and kisses his forehead. "Sleep, Sid," Kris commands, pulling Sid closer to him. Sid nods and closes his eyes. 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid faces a setback, but all hope isn't lost.

When Sid wakes up, he feels like he can't breathe. He stares at the ceiling and grabs at his chest, which feels empty and heavy at the same time. He can feel his heart beating fast, way faster than it should be first thing in the morning. He doesn't know what to do, it just hurts so much. He's squirming, trying to get something to help him breathe, but he can't. He can't even scream, it's like everything is shut off but he's still alive. Tears sting his eyes and he hopes he's making enough noise to wake Kris up, but he's not there. The room is empty, he's all alone and nobody can help him. Nobody will even know he's not alright and no one will think to look in on him. What if he dies?

Sid's body feels like it's convulsing. He can feel his legs make tiny jerks and he knows it's not him moving them, it's his brain trying to get him to breathe and circulate blood. He tries not to think about what could be happening to his brain as he continues to struggle for each breath. It doesn't work, it's all he can think about and the next thing he knows, he's full on crying as hard as he can. Crying only makes things worse, he knows, but it makes him feel better for the time being. He tries to stand up, leaning against the bed for support, but everything goes white and his limbs tingle powerfully, like they had before, and then he drops. 

Sid wakes up and Kris is holding him and he's attached to things again. "What?" he tries to ask. Kris holds him tighter, kissing his forehead. "It's alright, Sidney. I'm here, you're getting help," Kris explains. Sid nods, but he's not calm and Kris can tell. There's a loud beeping and Sid realizes it's a heart monitor. There are paramedics with them. 

Then a woman is speaking to him, "Sidney, can you open your eyes for me?" she asks. Sid hadn't realized they were closed still, but it makes sense. He opens them and shuts them right away, blinded by a light in his face. He groans and she tells someone to turn it off. He tries again, this time squinting first, then fully open. "There you are," she smiles at him. "I'm just going to ask you a few questions, is that okay?" she asks. Sid nods. 

They go through basic 'what do you remember' and 'who is the President' questions and then they do a few other things to him, but he just watches Kris without paying attention to anyone else.

Sid apparently convinces them he doesn't need to go to the hospital, but they tell Kris to stay with him and pay attention to how he's doing. Sid wonders if they think about why Kris was there that early in the morning. It can't be more than six in the morning, not the most normal time for having a friend over. Not to mention Kris kissing him, but it was just on the forehead.

Kris sees them out and Sid can hear him thank them. When he's back, Sid notices that Kris isn't even dressed, not really. He's in pyjama pants and a Pens t-shirt. Kris can tell what he's thinking about and just wraps his arms around him. "They couldn't tell, even if they knew anything," he assures Sid. "The team lawyers would see to it that they got their license taken away if they even tried." Sid smiles, though it's not the most comforting thought he's had.

Kris brings him back to bed and lets Sid curl against him. Sid doesn't know why he's on the verge of tears, but he's overwhelmed by everything that's happened and everything Kris has done and is doing for him.

"Sid?" Kris asks, worried. Sid smiles back, tears still stinging his eyes but not coming out. "I love you so much," Sid says. Kris hugs him tighter and kisses the top of his head.

Sid can't even put into words how much Kris means to him, and yet it's like he doesn't need to. Kris knows what he means to him.

Sid falls asleep at some point and Kris stays awake, watching over him. He doesn't even think about their game until the alarm goes off to get to the rink. Kris turns it off, careful to not wake Sid.

Kris calls Dan after that and tells him they won't be playing. He goes light on the details, but tells him Sid had a possible setback. He calls Sid's doctor next, asks if he can see Sid today. Thankfully, he can. Kris leaves Sid sleep for a while longer, before getting him up with a coffee and a peanut butter sandwich. "I booked an appointment with the doctor, I figured you should talk to him, maybe try out some medication or something? Obviously I don't know what you need, but it could help seeing him again, right?" Kris explains. 

"I'm sorry," Sid sighs, sipping his coffee carefully. He puts the mug down and tears the crust off his sandwich, eating it separately from the rest.of it. He isn't saying much, but Kris can tell he's thinking. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Kris asks. Sid looks up at him, like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. He just shakes his head. "Later?" Sid tries, looking nervous. It's not a look Kris often sees on Sid and it makes his heart hurt. "Of course, any time," Kris answers and Sid relaxes, finishing off his sandwich. 

-

Kris takes Sid to his appointment and waits with him. When he gets called in, Sid squeezes Kris' hand before he goes in. Kris waits for him as patiently as he can. The room is pretty bland, so it doesn't take long for him to pull out his phone and start a game. He's honestly not sure how much time passes until Sid comes out and makes a new appointment with the desk lady. 

Kris puts his phone away and walks over to Sid, who awkwardly pulls out a slip of paper with a shrug and heads to the door. They make it to Kris' car without saying anything, and then Sid says they need to hit up the pharmacy. Kris kind of laughs at Sid's use of "hit up", but he thinks he can let it pass. "He gave me pills to take every day and some to take when my anxiety is really bad," Sid explains, trying to read the slip of paper. "Don't remember what they're called," he admits. Thankfully, the pharmacist is fluent in doctoral script and has no problems typing it in their system.

They're given a half-hour waiting time, so they walk around the store, throwing random things in the cart. They end up with three new ice packs, some sport bandages, cookies, some poorly priced milk, chocolate, tic tacs, cereal bars, water balloons, condoms, AA batteries, and a very judgemental look from the cashier. "Hockey players in a drug mart for half an hour, what do you honestly expect?" Kris asks, paying for the lot. The cashier rolls her eyes and gives him the receipt, sending them on their way. 

"You didn't have to be rude," Sid says when they leave the store. 

Kris raises an eyebrow and nods his head, "She did it first," he defends himself. "Why did she have to roll her eyes at a grown-ass man buying condoms and cookies?" Kris asks. Sid stares at him for a second before laughing. "Fuck you," Kris laughs. "The point is, I shouldn't have to feel judged because I got bored in a drug store where they just happen to have condoms. I mean, wouldn't I be judged more if I was having unprotected sex with someone, assuming it's a girl - which, by the way, shouldn't be assumed. It's total bullshit."

"I just meant you didn't have to be snotty to her," Sid adds, holding back a laugh at Kris' rant. It's not the first time Kris has gone off on a rant because of a random event. It's actually very amusing when it happens.

When they get home, they put everything away and make lunch. Neither are in the mood for anything fancy, so they just make sandwiches again and dig into the cookies a bit. "He said the pills will make me sleepy for a day or two," Sid says, inspecting the labels on both bottles. "I'll take them tonight," he decides, placing the bottles down. 

"We don't have another game until Saturday, so hopefully that'll be enough time," Kris agrees. "If not, it's still only pre-season."

"Can we go watch the game tonight?" Sid asks.  

"I don't know," Kris answers, "Are you sure you'll be okay to?"

"It's hockey," Sid says, as if that answers his question.

"And you won't be playing, which I know is stressful for you," Kris replies. Sid shrugs, which Kris thinks proves his point, but he doesn't say anything. "If you want," he answers, finally. 

Sid shrugs, though, looking down at the floor. "No, you're right," he admits, "I need the rest."

"It's an early game, so maybe we'll catch up with the guys after and go out for a drink or two?" Kris suggests. 

Sid smiles at that and nods. "Haven't really done that in a while," he answers. 

"We've had a lot going on," Kris replies, knowing exactly what Sid is thinking. He knows Sid feels guilty about not spending much time with the team, he can see it in his eyes any time they talk about it. Kris feels somewhat guilty, but Sidney tends to take things to the next level, especially when it comes to the team.

"I know," Sid nods. And he does know, but that doesn't really change the way he feels. Or how worried he is that he'll spend another season  _watching_  instead of playing. How many nights will he wake up feeling sick to his stomach or in need of a doctor because he can't breathe. His face starts to heat up a bit and he gets worried. He looks up at Kris, who takes his hand and squeezes it. "It'll be okay," Kris says with a small smile. It's honest, though, which makes Sid calm down.

"I'll tell you what, we should go upstairs, cuddle up and have a nap for a couple hours, have some dinner and then we'll head out to see the guys?" Kris suggests. Sid nods, it seems like a very good idea.

Kris texts Flower that they'll meet up after, knowing that he'd get all the guys to a bar for them after the game. Hell, he could probably talk the guys into going pre-game, if he really wanted to. Marc asks if everything is alright and Kris doesn't go into detail, but it's obvious things changed since neither are playing. He does explain what happened, though, adding that Sid wants to spend time with the team. When he's done, Kris quickly sets the game to record, adding ten minutes to the record time, just in case anything interesting happens... or if Sid feels like watching the game, which he probably will.

When he gets upstairs, Sid is already stripped to his boxers. Kris enjoys the image and follows Sid's lead, stripping down before joining Sid on the bed. Sid curls in, against Kris and pulls up the blankets. It's a comforting warm with their body heat and the blankets surrounding them, so it doesn't come as a surprise that they're both falling asleep within minutes. 

They both wake up to Kris' alarm, which is less annoying than he thought it would be - though, that could be because it makes Sid groan sleepily and curl against Kris even more, but Kris won't ruin it by thinking. Of course, the small kisses Sid shares with Kris are halted moments later, when he asks for the score. Kris laughs, not bothering to even groan, because he knew it was coming. And, yeah, Kris is interested as well.

The Penguins are still playing, leading 5-3 against the Rangers in the final minutes of the game. The recap starts off with saying the Rangers don't have Henrik in net and Kris honestly just skims the rest of the article while Sid takes a piss. He'll hear about the details from the guys. Kris throws on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, not bothering to dress nice. Sid is dressed a bit nicer, but still relaxed considering he was thinking about wearing his dress shirt, at least. 

They make it to the bar, and it's more full than Kris thought it would be. He expected some of the guys with wives or small kids not to come out, but a lot of them did.

Sid is smiling and talking to everyone, apologizing for missing the game, but nobody says anything of it. They're just glad he's okay.

A few guys ask him about it, but don't bother him when he doesn't go in to detail. They know him well enough to know bar time isn't serious talk time, so everyone just relaxes and they keep the night going.

Kris finds himself talking to Cookie and Duper until they're done for the night, then he's in the presence of Geno trying to teach everyone Russian. Kris is pretty sure he only does that to make fun of them for failing. Not that Kris blames him, he's done the same. He's even done it to Sid once or twice.

Sid isn't even trying to speak Russian, but he's enjoying everyone else trying. He's more interested in arm wrestling with Neal, which is amusing as well. The night slows down and the guys start heading out. Kris takes that as a cue for him to bring Sid home. It's not late, but there's no point in pushing their luck.

Sid can't stop smiling when they leave. Sidney's almost glowing, Kris thinks, and he's glad Sid felt like going out. He just hopes the good feelings won't fade this time.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the season, and so much more.

Sidney doesn't end up playing until the start of the regular season, but it's not because of his anxiety, which is good. He doesn't play because he's the kind of guy who manages to almost break his foot walking up stairs. Okay, maybe he was running up the stairs, and maybe his shirt was pulled when was just off balance enough to make him fall backwards onto Kris. He says maybe, because now that everyone knows about him and Kris, they'll jump to conclusions. If those conclusions happen to be true, it's still none of their business.

Kris enjoys Sid's pain a little too much, if you ask Sid. Especially since he caused it. Thankfully, Kris' willing to be useful and helps him stay sane while he recovers. They spend a lot of time at home; Kris only leaving for games, since Dan felt he'd be more useful keeping an eye on Sid. It's not as bad as it seems, though. It allows Sid to adjust to his medication. Once the swelling goes down, they're both back at the rink.

Sid takes it easy for a few days before skating hard pre-practice, practice, and a bike cycle after. Kris is relieved to see Sid skate like that again, and he's hoping to god nothing gets in the way of him playing tomorrow. Exhibition games are one thing (especially since Sid always says they should make them mean something more than practice against another team), but Kris knows Sid well enough to know that it almost physically hurts to miss games. It's probably only slightly related to the fact that 99% of his missed games are due to physical injury. 

Nothing bad happens. Dan comes in and calls out the lines and pairings, Kris watches Sid getting fired up like, well, the start of the season. There are bound to be changes and adjustments, but this is basically the real team. It's refreshing, like they've turned a new stone.  
   
The Pens win, 3-2, and Laden gets his first point off Kris' goal. It's a good start, but they had some problems with their game. Dan just tells them to take it easy, even though he probably knows everyone's going out after.

Flower invites everyone to his place as soon as Dan leaves the room. Kris is actually surprised he managed that long, but maybe he's finally growing up. And then Marc has his arm draped around Bryan's shoulders, telling him how drunk he's going to get. Kris isn't sure if he should laugh or tell Marc to leave the kid alone, but he sits back when Sid steps in and calls Marc a douche. Kris grabs his things and tells Sid to do the same, ignoring the kissing noises Marc makes. He really is a douche sometimes. 

It turned out that Marc went all out for the season opener party. Full bar, food - healthy and junk choices, and some pretty good tunes. Jordan makes a joke about Marc trying to out-host Mario, which gets everyone laughing. Mario has a way of throwing the best parties, though nobody's supposed to know that. Marc is a fair bet for a good time, though. Less 'disappointed father' looks when somebody does something stupid, like making the rookies judge the drink contest, which is an annual contest between the guys for who has the best shot or drink idea. Every once in a while it goes well, but for the most part you'll end up with overly sweet or sour-tasting alcohol. Geno always enters just vodka, but he dresses it up nice, which counts for presentation points. And it's an excuse to get the rookies drunk.

It's really not the contest they should have during the season, but you also don't want to have it after the season. Sid thought it was a horrible idea when they first came up with it, and he's still mostly sure it was invented purely to get him drunk, because they hadn't done it before he was a rookie. After that, it just stuck. 

By the time Sid's feeling a little more than buzzed, he can tell everyone else is about three steps ahead of him. Except Kris, who insists on only drinking the same amount as Sid, since Sid's pills force him to drink lightly. He's not a huge drinker in the first place, so it's not really a problem to stay mostly sober. He'd feel bad for Kris, but Kris seems too happy making fun of the stupidly drunk.

All in all, it's a good night. By the time Sid finds Bryan, he's laying on the balcony, laughing with Jordan.

They both look amazingly drunk and Sid isn't sure they know what they're laughing at, but he agrees to lay down with them when Jordan asks. "Marc has a nice fucking house," Jordan says, staring at the sky. The balcony is cool, but not cold, and there's a nice breeze as well. 

Sid wishes Kris would come find them and lay with him. It's a nice night and the stars are out. He thinks Kris would like that.

"Who won the drink competition?" Sid asks, realizing he didn't stick around long enough to find out. He left around the time Cooke started with the tequila.

"I won," Jordan lies. Bryan chuckles and Sid just shakes his head.

"No fucking on the balcony, eh?" Marc shouts, stepping out from the house. 

"You're a terrible host," Jordan complains, sitting up. Sid watches him kiss Marc on the cheek, playfully. "But I love you," he adds, following Marc inside. 

"Is everyone on this team gay?" Bryan asks, before he could stop himself. Sid notices his face go red and laughs lightly.

"No, but they're like a family," Sid answers. "Boundaries don't mean everything."

"Do you think I'll fit in?" Bryan asks. 

"I think you already do," Sid laughs. "You're drinking with the big boys, be proud."

"Is it just drinking, though?" Bryan asks. 

Sid laughs, "I would run and hide if it were," he answers. "No, we just like to start the season off big, you know?"

"It's nice," Bryan nods. 

"It is," Sid laughs. "Tomorrow will be different," he adds.

"Back to work tomorrow," Kris adds, kneeling down, next to Sid. 

"Time to go?" Sid asks. Kris just laughs, because Sid is just like a kid sometimes. 

"Not yet, but some of the guys thought it might be cool if their captain spent some time with them," Kris answers. 

"I'm sorry," Bryan apologises, but both Sid and Kris shrug him off and lead him inside. 

There's some more drinking and chatting among the guys and then it's time to leave. Kris calls a cab while Sid tries to explain why he should be compared with Jonathan Toews and not Ovechkin. Kris blames Marc, since he's clearly evil and always gets Sid on a rant of some sort. Sid seems happy when Kris finally pulls him away. There's an over-dramatic goodbye, but it's a quiet ride home. A very comforting silence, for a change. 

Kris really wants to kiss Sid. His bottom lip is slightly swollen, from Sid subconsciously chewing on, and all Kris can think about is how nice it is to kiss him.

Kris stops looking at Sid, partly to remove temptation, but also so he doesn't look like he's drooling over Sidney Crosby. He really doesn't want to test the openness of one of Pittsburgh's very few cabbies - mainly because if he kicked them out, they'd never find another one to get them home. Especially this time a night.

They make it back, and Sid makes fun of Kris for his lack of subtlety before he kisses him, because he's been waiting as well.

Kris tastes like whiskey and licorice, which is an oddly good taste. Kris lifts Sid's shirt and pulls it off before removing his own.

It doesn't take long for them to move things to the couch and Sid thinks doing it on the couch could be a bad idea, what with their marginally impaired coordination, but he doesn't say anything.

Kris is moving down Sid's body, kissing and sucking in all the right places as he makes his way to the belt.

Kris isn't sure how they do it, really. Four in the morning, after a game, and their muscles are screaming at them for some rest, yet it's still some of the best sex they've had.

Kris passes out not long after, and Sid is almost there,but he keeps himself awake a little longer and watches Kris sleep. His breathing is slow and he still has a small smile on his face. Sid can't help but admire how peaceful he looks when he's asleep, when there's so much feeling and passion in his eyes while awake.

He drifts asleep a couple minutes later.

\-----

Sid loves the practice the day after game one. It's something he's learned about himself that he should probably be worried about, but there's just something wonderful about hungover hockey players cursing themselves for drinking so much.

Sid feels like death, himself, but it's part of the charm of a new season.

Dan doesn't go easy on them. Sid is pretty sure he purposely goes harder on them because he's caught wind of their traditions by now and it's amusing. Sid would do it, he thinks, if he were coach.

When practice is over, going to lunch quickly got planned, with one of the biggest turnouts Sid has seen since the cup - all but three guys agree to go.

The diner they go to is surprisingly accommodating for nearly a whole hockey team. They fit in two booths and some tables pushed together, which almost empties the rest of the place.

They get noticed, of course. By the staff as well as people eating there, but they don't bother them after a quick hello.

Once they finish emptying the diner of all possible food, as well as some deserts and beverages, they mostly go their separate ways. Bryan sticks around, standing off awkwardly, waiting for Kris to get back from the bathroom. "Want to come over for a bit?" Sid offers. 

"Yeah, sure," Bryan answers. Sid can tell he's excited, which is a weird feeling for Sid, despite being kind of used to it by now. Kris comes back and Sid tells him Bryan's coming over. 

They end up playing cards, which would be more fun with more people, but three's fine. It's nice, and they get to know Bryan better.

Bryan tells them about coming out to his parents when he was twelve and first kissed a girl, to find out if he might be straight. And he says he's been open about it since then, too.

Sid wishes he had the courage to be like that, and Kris wasn't that much different, either. Even Sid's friend, Glenn had told his parents he was gay, back then. His friend Erin came out as trans and lesbian when she was eighteen and moved out, her parents didn't care. He tries not to get down on himself, but part of him wonders what would have happened if he had more confidence in himself, maybe things would be different. Maybe his dad wouldn't have been like that. 

Bryan ends up staying for dinner, which turns out to be pizza because there is no fucking way they're getting up to cook anything after the last day and a half, but he leaves shortly after. 

Kris stares at Sid for a moment, as he walks back into the room. He'll never get over watching Sid squirm while he's watched. It's something Kris never noticed until he started watching Sid a lot. It doesn't even make sense, because Sidney Crosby is the most-watched man in Pittsburgh, but you add a human face to the picture (in this case, Kris), than he gets all humble. It's cute, really. He even blushes some times, which Kris really can't get over. Especially since he goes all captain in the locker room and won't change his expression. Meaning, he'll freely walk naked around a bunch of guys and not get even the slightest rose colour on his cheeks - well, unless it's provoked. 

"Do you plan on spending the entire night on the floor?" Sid asks, raising an eyebrow. Kris really can't take how in love with Sid he is, so he just shrugs and ignores him, playing hard to get. Sid knows him well enough, though, and keeps walking into the other room. It annoys Kris, and he groans at having to get up, but he gets up anyway, because Sid is a jerk. But at least Sid is his jerk. 

When they finally settle onto the couch, Kris can tell Sid isn't as lively as he was a minute ago. "Sid?" Kris asks. 

Sid's immediate sigh tells Kris he's right about the mood, not that he needed a sign to read him anymore. "I feel like something's going to happen," Sid confesses.

"Like what?" Kris asks, worriedly. He knows how Sid's anxiety can get, and he doesn't seem too far off of an attack. 

Sid shrugs in response and rests his head on Kris' shoulder, "It felt amazing to play again, and spending time with the guys is always good, either drinking or eating," Sid laughs lightly, with a pause. "I'm afraid that it's been too good and I'm going to fall again."

"Sid, don't think like that, okay?" Kris asks, "You have a whole team ready to support you, no matter what. You know you can talk to any one of us, no matter what. You can get through it, I know you can."

"I just feel like everything will happen at once and I won't be able to take it," Sid says, "I don't want to be known as the anxious guy who couldn't do it."

"You'll never be know and someone who couldn't do it, Sid," Kris tries.  
  
"The dream I had last time, when it was really bad again, I got hit again they said I'd never play hockey again," Sid admits, telling Kris about the dream (which has sort of become a reoccurring dream by now) for the first time.  "You stayed with me, but you were unhappy, my dad stopped talking to me, and my mom couldn't talk to me. It wasn't because of my dad, either. She couldn't stand hearing me talk when I was so broken."

Kris hadn't known his dreams were that intense, or that they were still happening. Truth be told, he doesn't know what to say, either. He just wants Sid to be better.

They spend a few hours talking about the dream and how Sid's feeling, emotionally. It's one of the most in-depth talks they've had in a while, even though Kris has tried to talk before. Sid doesn't hold back, this time. He tells Kris about any and all anxious moments and dreams he's had. He wants to get better, Kris can tell. Sid knows without expressing himself, it'll only get worse. "I like seeing the doctor, I do think it's helping, but it's not enough. I need to be open with you," Sid explains. 

Kris isn't really sure what to say, so he kisses Sid, holding him tightly in his arms. "I want you to tell me anything you want to. I'm going to be here for you," Kris says, finally. Sid smiles and kisses him back. "I feel a lot better, already," Sid admits. He wishes he told him a long time ago, when the dreams just started. "I'm sorry," he says, after a pause. 

"Don't ever be sorry," Kris says, seriously, "I love you, no matter what. If you need to talk, talk to me. I'll take care of you."

"Only because I'm your captain," Sid jokes, smiling wide. Kris laughs and rolls his eyes, punching Sid lightly in the arm. 

"It helps that you sleep with me," Kris jokes back. That turns into a little bit of a wrestling match, until they fall off the couch, prompting them both to actually get up.

Sid heads to the kitchen, stealing the last slice of pizza and a coke from the fridge. Kris laughs and shakes his head, "I'm beginning to think that ass of yours isn't all muscle."  
  
"I work it off," Sid argues, "I can't help that I like flavour," he adds. 

"I like flavour, too, but that doesn't mean I eat like shit all the time," Kris replies. He slinks into Sid's arms, ignoring the half-eaten pizza slice remaining in Sid's hand. "Love you, anyway," Kris admits. 

"I'm pretty sure that's only because I'm captain," Sid laughs, loud and hard, proving his nickname still valid - not that Kris will ever tell him that. 

"My lovely captain," Kris sings, swinging Sidney around, "dance with me."

"And you haven't been drinking?" Sid asks, laughing again.

"I'm drunk on love, babe," Kris  replies, still singing and holding Sid with him. 

"I've had too much love," Sid warns, "I think we have a game tomorrow."

"You think, eh?" Kris teases. 

"Do you even really love me?" Sid asks, serious face. 

"Nope," Kris smiles, kissing Sid again, "I really, really, love you."

"Why?" Sid asks. He's smiling, but Kris can see past it. He can see the slight insecurity that Sid carries with him, day in and day out. 

"I love you because you're smart," Kris starts, kissing Sid between his words, "I love you because you're sexy, good at hockey, and you are so fucking good in bed."

Sid smiles, resting his head on Kris' shoulder and just stands there for a moment or two. "We'll be okay?" Sid asks, finally. 

"Well be okay, Sid," Kris answers. Sid believes him, because he knows that Kris won't lie. Even if he can't promise, he'll say what he thinks and that's enough for Sid.

After that, Kris takes Sid to bed, neither stay awake for long.

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kris helps Sid deal with medication and hockey.

The first week of the season goes by quickly. Kris keeps an eye on Sid all week, though it doesn't go unnoticed. Thankfully, Sid isn't the one to notice - it's actually Dan who pulls him aside and asks what's up. 

Kris prides himself on his honesty, so he does mean it when he says it's under control and nothing to worry about. It's just, well, Kris is worried. It's a habit of his, anyone would say so, but that doesn't mean things are just as they should be. Sid's dreams aren't bothering him, but the pills have changed him a bit. Sid's been sleepy during the day, and his personality seems a bit off. Kris tries to get him into a better mood, but it's not that he's unhappy - he seems happy, but not... excited. 

Kris looks into side effects of the pills Sid is on and he's pretty sure that's what's causing Sid's problems. He doesn't know how to bring it up, though. When, exactly, is it a good time to tell your boyfriend he's been acting weird because of the pills he has to take? When is it a good time to insult your boyfriend? Not that it's an insult, but Sid won't see it that way. 

Kris talks to Mario about it, even though he feels kind of bad about going behind his back, Mario has somewhat become Kris' how-to guide on Crosby-isms. He did live with Mario for five years, so it's obvious that he'd have more than a few pointers on the winded web that is Sidney Crosby. According to Mario, he should just be honest with Sid, which seems too obvious, but he's probably right - which is probably why Kris doesn't take his advice. 

Instead, Kris brings up his pills, asking if Sid thinks the dose is okay. Of course, Sid immediately thinks this is an attack and accuses Kris of mothering him. Sid would have merit, except that Sidney had a neutral face at practice, which he'd only seen once or twice before. Sid wasn't his normal, enthusiastic-while-serious self. He was just calm; even when people were messing around, he just watched. 

Kris isn't sure what to do about it, because Sid isn't having those dreams anymore, and he's technically doing well; it's just different. It's not Sid.

Kris doesn't bring it up again for a couple days, mainly because they have games, but he also wants to give Sid a chance to get used to the medication. The pharmacist told them how things might be the first week or two, and it might take even longer to tell if they're actually working as they should be or not. So, he continues to keep an eye on Sid.

Kris really wishes he's wrong about it, but his fears are once again brought up at the next practice. After practice, Bryan asks Kris if Sid is mad at him. It's about the last question he thought he'd get, along with a marriage proposal, but Bryan doesn't look like he's joking. Bryan has been playing very well, especially for a rookie. He hasn't got much special team action, but he's holding his own on the third line and using it better than Kris probably could.

Kris assures him that Sid isn't mad at anyone, and he briefly explains that Sid might be having some side effects, that they shouldn't last too long. Bryan nods and asks him to tell Sid to feel better. Kris says he will, even though it probably won't come up. Bryan probably knows that, or he would have said it to Sid himself.

When they get home, Kris doesn't mention it and Sid seems to be alright. They watch some TV and eat lunch, and then Kris decides to take on the dishes. Sid keeps him company, talking about this and that while randomly putting a dish or two away. Kris likes when they do things so care-free that talking about getting a different flavour of toothpaste feels normal just because they're interacting and it's too good to be bothered by anything that comes up.

Kris pulls up a chair around the counter and watches Sid finish putting dishes away. When he finishes, Sid walks around the island to get to Kris, pulling him up from the chair and kissing him. Kris kisses back and Sid's hands wander up his shirt, and presses close against him. It's the first time Sid has initiated anything since he started his medication, and Kris wants to not deny Sid or himself the experience, but he doesn't feel right. Not when he's not being honest, not being open.

He pushes Sid away softly, and then looks him in the eye, "I think we need to talk, Sid."

"About?" Sid asks, horrified look on his face, before Kris kisses him, keeping him close this time.

"About practice, your pills," Kris answers.

"I've been taking them," Sid sighs.

"I know, and I know they're helping, but you've been acting kind of off, you know," Kris tries, "I think you should talk about getting them reduced, or trying something else?"

"But if they're helping - I haven't been having bad dreams or anxiety attacks," Sid tries, "I just haven't felt real, you know?"

Kris wishes he could say he does, but he doesn't, apart from knowing Sid has been acting different. "Can you explain it?" Kris asks.

"I feel kind of hollow, like I'm not anxious, but I'm not really... there," Sid explains, as best he can. Kris thinks he gets it. "He said it could take a while to work, a couple weeks, maybe even a month or two? We should wait and see, right?"

"I guess," Kris agrees, but he's not quite sure. "Just be careful, okay? Tell me if something doesn't feel right?"

"Always," Sid smiles.

"Better than that," Kris requests, knowing Sid hasn't always been honest with him when things aren't quite right.

Sid nods, "I promise, Kris. I'll tell you."

"That's better," Kris smiles, pulling Sid in for a kiss. Sid straddles Kris and kisses up his neck, rocking teasingly against him. Kris manages to fight the urge for about one minute before he flips Sid onto his back and takes control on the couch.

Sid falls asleep almost right after they're done and Kris can only hope that's one of the things that will change in the next week or so, not that they'll be doing it much, anyway. Hockey is much more important.

.

Sid does call his doctor, after a few more days of feeling sluggish and some less than great games. They get back from a road trip and he makes an appointment, hoping he'll get something useful out of the trip.

Kris stays home, with Marc to keep him company while he waits. It takes Marc about five minutes, if that, to ask how Sid is really doing.

Kris isn't quite sure how to answer. Sid is fine, technically, he's just having trouble adjusting to medication. He answers as honestly as he can, though. Marc isn't just another teammate, he's like a brother or cousin.

"What do you think he's going to do?" Marc asks.

"I don't know, we'll see what the doctor says and go from there," Kris suggests.

"Was it really that bad, though? I mean, I know how he got, but medication?" Marc asks.

"It's not a bad thing, you know," Kris defends. "Sidney; it's not his fault."

"Kris, that's not what I meant," Marc replies, "I just meant that I'm not sure if he needs to go through that, you know? If it's really worth it."

"Believe me, it wasn't number one on our list," Kris agrees, "I know it sounds harsh, but he's been through a lot. The pills should help him with what I can't."

"And if things don't get better, with the side effects?" Marc asks.

"There are other things, other pills or therapies, it just takes time," Kris answers, "I have to do what's best for Sid; he comes first."

"I'm glad you have each other," Marc replies, just in time for Sid to come in.

"Who has who now?" Sid asks, smiling.

"You're in a good mood," Kris notes, smiling himself.

"You bring it out in me," Sid replies, wrapping his arms around Kris and kissing him. "Not trying to steal my boyfriend, are you?" Sid asks, looking to Marc.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Marc answers, "Kris isn't really my type, after all," he adds.

"Oh, come now. You know you like it back door," Sid chirps, reaching over to shove Marc.

"You wish, bro," Marc laughs.

"So, what's up?" Sid asks, taking a seat beside Kris.

"Just keeping your man in line," Marc answers. Kris reaches over and shoves Marc off his seat. "Okay, fine, we were talking about your ass," Marc adds.

Sid actually looks embarrassed, which Kris loves, because it's not like they hold off on ass jokes, so he probably believes him. "We were not," Kris corrects, pausing before he adds, "Not the whole time, anyway."

"I need new friends," Sid groans, resting his head on the counter. They talk a little longer before Marc excuses himself after a phone call from Vero. Kris walks him to the door, chirping him pretty much the whole time, because it's funny that Marc is wrapped around her finger. Marc has some choice words about Kris being controlled by Sid, but he's fully comfortable with their situation, so ultimately Kris wins.

"So, what did the doc say?" Kris asks when he comes back.

"He said I should try coming off them and taking different pills," Sid shrugs, "He said I shouldn't worry, though. It takes time, sometimes."

"I figured," Kris nods, "I just wish you firm have to go through any of this."

"I wish nobody had to go through this," Sid agrees, leaning into Kris. "I kind of want to have a nap," he admits.

"Let's," Kris agrees. He wouldn't admit it, but with everything going on, he's been feeling somewhat run down. It's not really Sid's fault, they've both had a lot going on, as well as hockey. Sid doesn't ask anything, though. Just happily climbs into bed with Kris at his side. 

.

Kris continues to keep an eye on Sid as he comes off his medication. It isn't a dependence issue - Sid lowers his pills properly, as advised by the doctor, but Kris knows they were helping Sid, so it's obvious that things can go wrong when he's off them. Kris doesn't hover, though, because Sid gets grumpy and pissed off when he does. Not that Kris can blame him. 

When he's finally off, Sid seems more or less back to normal. It takes about a week, but he doesn't want to start the new ones right away. They have a few days off, with only one practice in between coming up in a week, so Sid circles the calender, reminding him to start them then. In the meantime, he deals with Kris' not-so-subtle watching over him. 

The Pens go on a bit of a losing streak and Sid starts to feel like he's dragging the team down. He doesn't tell that to Kris, because it's not because he's going crazy, or getting anxious. He just knows it's his fault for not playing well enough, for not being a good enough leader when they need him to. 

Kris sees the twinge in his eye as the Pens fall to their 4th loss in a row and he takes Sid home, trying to keep him calm. It's the last of their games before Sid can start the new pills, and Kris is hoping it will help him this time, but he's also being cautious with what he says to Sid, just in case.

He gives Sid a glass of water and hands him the bottle. Sid sighs, not in the mood to deal with anything. He just wants to sleep and forget the game ever happened, so he takes the pills and curls under the quilt on the couch. Kris lets him sleep, even though they'd normally stay up for a few hours, but that's because neither can usually get to sleep right after a game. There's nothing about the last game that would keep them up - guilt, maybe, but Kris is sure Sid's not in the mood for guilt, even. He passes right out and Kris isn't even sure it's the pills.

The next few days go by faster than Kris thought they would, and it seems like their game against Tampa comes all too soon. Kris isn't sure Sid should be playing, but as soon as he brings up the word 'maybe', Sid doesn't let him finish. "I'm playing," Sid demands, staring at Kris and not leaving any room for discussion. "I was going to say maybe we should go out for lunch," Kris replies, sarcastically.

Sid rolls his eyes and playfully kicks Kris in the shin before agreeing, because he really doesn't feel like cooking. Sid knows that Kris is just trying to look out for him, and he's thankful for that, even if it's a little annoying sometimes. He's more than happy that Kris is willing to deal with his issues.

Sid feels pretty good, even though he won't really know anything for a few weeks, he can tell that it's at least different from the ones before. He's not tired, or whatever he was feeling with the other ones.

They take care of a few things on the way back from lunch, before their pregame processes take over their time. Kris tries not to watch Sid too much, which isn't that hard because he seems okay.

Sid is thankful when it's finally time for their pregame nap. He's not even tired, but he wants to be close to Kris and slow things down a bit before the game.

Kris wraps his arms around Sid as they finally attempt to drift off to sleep before the game. Neither really end up sleeping; Kris is anxious about Sid playing, and Sid just wants to play. They do their best, though. Sid, at least feels somewhat rested by the time he's up and ready to play. 

The game goes well, though Kris doesn't shake the worried feeling about Sid. He does manage not to pay any extra attention to Sid, which is an accomplishment. They win, though it's a close game. It ends their losing streak, which is always good. Kris thinks, for a moment or so, that Sid is more relieved about that than he is about having a good game, himself. Kris wouldn't put it past Sid to think that way, either. He always puts the team first, anyway. 

Neal asks Sid and Kris to come out with some of the guys. Kris wants to say no, but he waits for Sid to say it first, so he doesn't seem controlling. But Sid doesn't say no, which doesn't worry Kris, exactly - but it does surprise him.

Kris agrees and Sid winks at him, which both confuses and intrigues Kris. "I won't drink," Sid promises, not that he needs to. Kris does feel better, Sid having said that.

Not drinking at a bar gets old, as Kris has found out. It's too early in the season to be really excited, especially just coming off a slump. They don't stay out too long, and Kris thinks Sid mostly wanted to be out of the house for a while, anyway. They have the day off, aside from practice, and then two games on the road. Kris wouldn't mind just going to sleep, but Sid seems to be in the mood for something else and Kris isn't willing to shut him down. 

It's not sex, though, which Kris is oddly thankful for, since being this tired is rarely good for sex. Sid brings out a Friends dvd along with a pillow and quilt. Kris laughs a little, but steals the pillow and makes himself comfortable on the couch.

In all honesty, some nights spent curled up on the couch, watching something stupid with Sid can be just what they need.

Sid plays the dvd and climbs next to Kris, using his arm as a pillow. It will go somewhat numb in a while, but Kris doesn't care right now, because Sid is happy and he'll take Sid smiling and laughing over feeling in his extremities any day.  
  
  



	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sid feels off, but he doesn't want to worry Kris over nothing.

Sidney totally doesn't mean to wake up crying. He doesn't remember why he's crying, but Pascal gently rubs his shoulder and asks if he's alright. "I think I am?" Sid replies, turning to look at Duper. "I just feel like crying," Sid admits, hating the sound of his voice, so weak.

"Anything I can do?" Pascal asks, "I can switch with Kris, if you-"

"No, no, I'm okay," Sid answers. "I'm not sad or anything - at least, I don't feel sad. Just, like I need to cry."

"I've had those days," Pascal nods, "I guess you've had a lot of stuff going on."

"Don't tell Kris," Sid asks, staring up at Pascal with such despair that he had to sit down beside Sid. "I won't, but if you want to talk, I'm here," he answers. Sid nods, but stays quiet, tears still trickling down his cheeks every once in a while. 

"I just don't want him to worry," Sid replies, "I'm not depressed or anxious - I just felt like I needed to cry." 

Pascal nods and sits on the bed beside Sid and rests his arm on his back, "You need to remember that you need to take care of yourself," he says. Sid nods, but doesn't say anything. "I mean it, Sid," he presses, "I know you're strong, but you wouldn't be the first person to be hurt by the pressure, you're only human."

"I know, I know," Sid replies, "I swear, I'm taking care of myself. I just need to cry sometimes. I haven't told Kris because I know he'd think it's related, but it isn't."

"Sid, when I was trying to deal with fatherhood and hockey, I cried at least once a week, just to get it out. I never did it in front of Carole-Lyne, but after Zoe, I just couldn't hide it from her. I'm not saying you need to run out and tell Kris, I'm just saying I know how hard it can be and I'm here if you need to talk, okay?" Pascal offers. Sid nods, staying quiet for a moment, "I'm going back to sleep," Sid decides a moment later, stuffing his head into the pillows. Pascal pats him on the shoulder and goes back to his bed. 

Sid doesn't really sleep again, but he does calm down, which helps. He feels good when he wakes up, like he no longer has that feeling of needing to cry. He smiles at Pascal, who nods and pats him on the back. Nothing more is said of it.  

When he sees Kris in the locker room, Sid moves in for a quick kiss before he gets dressed and goes on to the ice. Playing the Kings is always kind of fun, but pretty much everyone is happy it doesn't happen that often. Sid doesn't feel up to wandering around LA after the skate, so he goes back to his room and curls up in bed. 

He isn't overly surprised when Kris shows up and asks him if he's alright. 

Sid assures him that he's fine and pulls Kris into a kiss. He knows they can't have sex, but there's nothing wrong with relieving some stress before a game. Sid comes faster than usual, but he lets Kris continue until he gets off as well. It's obviously not great, both of them feel a little off about the whole thing, because it's never felt so... distant before. Sid apologises, his mind was obviously in the wrong space, but Kris waves him off. 

Sid feels a little guilty when Kris leaves, so they can get a nap in before the game. They talked about sharing a room before, but Sid doesn't think it's a good idea. It's too tempting, too distracting, too different from what they've always done. He doesn't want to feel like he's safe, in Kris' arms right before a game, he just doesn't know how to explain that in a way that won't hurt him. 

.

The Penguins take the Kings to overtime; both teams play well and it's left to the goalies to decide the winner. Sid misses on his shot and he's too busy hating himself to realize the Kings missed theirs, too. In the end, the Pens win 6-5 by one goal in the shootout. Sid opts out of the bar this time, and Kris asks Duper to switch rooms for the night. After an encouraging nod from Sid, he agrees, rolling his eyes at Kris' 'you're the best, I love you' chants, as amusing as they are. 

Kris doesn't question Sid on anything when they get to their room, he just kisses Sid and pats the bed beside him. Sid smiles and curls into Kris' arms, and it's so much different than before the game. Sid has no idea what could put them so out of synch one moment and perfect the next. Whatever the reason, it has Sid asleep in minutes.   
  



	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's ben so long. Kind of got out of the tic world for a while, but saw an email and got inspired. I may have another chapter up in the near future, if I'm not too busy. Hope this'll keep you interested.

Sid wakes up in Kris' arms, but not how they were sleeping. Kris is comforting him. "Did something happen?"

"You were crying," Kris answers, "Sid, you also kept repeating that 'you do care, you love him.' I don't know who you were talking about, but I don't think it was me."

"Adrian," Sid remembers, feeling almost numb as the dream came back to him. "Our son, in my dreams, his name is Adrian. He's smart and looks like you. In my dream he plays hockey, and I watch but I'm not there, not mentally," Sid explains. "I stopped caring about hockey and it was like I was hollow. You were there, cheering him on and I was just staring at the ice." 

Sid takes a deep breath, avoiding Kris' eyes as he sits up. "He got hit, on the ice. There was blood, but I didn't react. You- the anger in your eyes as you pulled me and I wouldn't move."

"Sid, that didn't happen. It won't happen," Kris pulls Sid against his chest. 

"The pills aren't helping," Sid confesses.

"It takes time," Kris suggests, rubbing Sid's back.

Sid nods. "I don't want to be hollow and careless, I need to feel. I can't be like him."

"You could never be like him, Sid. You would never let that happen, and neither would I or Mario or any of the guys," Kris defends, kissing Sid. "If you want to go on different pills, it's fine. I'm here for you."

"I'm such a fuck up," Sid mumbles into Kris' shoulder. Kris pulls back.

"Don't you ever say that, Sid. You're great, you're strong and you are not a fuck up," Kris says, more serious this time.

Before either can say anything else, the phone rings. Kris gives Sid one last kiss before answering it. Sid watches Kris absently scratch his belly and Sid can feel the blood rush through his body. He feels better, like he's real. And it's not even sexual at this point, it's just love. Safe.

Being so mesmerized by thoughts of Kris, he misses Kris hanging up and walking over. Kris' grin brought out his eyes and Sid knew he was caught. "I love you,"

"I know," Kris smiles back. "I would love to stay and validate our love, but we're due down stairs."

"We're late?" Sid asks, looking mortified. "They'll think we're fucking."

"Not everybody is as dirty minded as you," Kris tries, knowing full well that he's right. They're over twenty minutes late and Sid hardly sleeps in on a day off, let alone a travel day.

"I'm a horrible role model."

Kris laughs and pulls his shirt on, ignoring Sid so they would actually be under thirty minutes late for the bus. Sid follows and leaves his anxiety behind as they head out.

\----------

Besides some heckling from Marc and the gang as they get to the lobby, nobody bothers them or accuses them of anything, which is good. Sid isn't really sure he's up to speculation. He's exhausted, more than he will admit to Kris or anyone else. He uses the plane to sleep, curling up as soon as they take off and not waking until they land.

Kris doesn't mind, he reads while he watches over Sid. Everyone seems to understand and leave them alone and it makes Kris smile. It's like a barrier exists between Sid and the team, he gets captain treatment and because Kris gets boyfriend proximity, the barrier has him covered. 

"Is it hard?" Kris is snapped out of this thoughts when Bryan sits down.

"What's that, Laddy?" Kris asks, finding it funny that Bryan would ignore the pretend barrier JUST as Kris thought about it.

"Having to hide who you are, that you're together," Bryan asks again, "is it hard?"

Kris sighs, really thinking about it. "I don't really know. I mean, now that the team knows, it's a lot easier. But I sometime worry about it, what would happen if we came out. For me, doesn't matter, but for Sid? He gets so much attention already and he's more sensitive than he lets on."

Bryan nods, "do you feel like you both have to hide? Like its a burden to be dating each other?"

Kris smiles. "Dating Sid could never be a burden, and it's not that we're in honeymoon mode still. I've always been private, I've known I was gay and didn't hide it when was younger but nobody found out. Sid and I just make sure not to kiss or hold hands too much and we're fine. It's not usually something I think about."

Bryan nods again. Kris feels like that wasn't what he wanted to say, but he doesn't know what to ask. "Is everything okay, Bryan?"

"I've been interviewed a lot and I'm not even out. There's nothing special about me and I just keep wondering if I'm in a relationship, how could I deal with it. How could I ask anyone to deal with it?"

"You're in the NHL, man. It's a media pit. You just have to get used to it, but don't let the pry - or do, if that's what you want." Kris offers.

"And be the first openly gay player?" Bryan laughs. 

Kris shrugs. "I've been thinking about it, here and there."

"Do you think other teams have three gay guys on it?" Bryan asks.

"Not sure, maybe we're just lucky," Kris jokes. 

Kris' laugh triggers something in Sid's sleep and he rolls over, draping his arm across Kris' lap. Both Kris and Bryan laugh at the timing, but Bryan takes that as a cue to leave and gets up.

"You can talk to us any time, Bryan," Kris says, offering a smile. "And Mario, Dan, you can talk to them too. We haven't told anyone, but they'd support you if you need someone to talk to, more privately."

Bryan smiles back and nods. By the time Bryan sits down, Kris finds his thoughts drifting to him and Sid coming out. It's something he could never ask of Sid, but if Sid asked him he would do in a second. The politics of the league, of media, of everything make it different. Kris would be the first openly gay NHL player, but Sidney Crosby coming out would create so much chaos that it would get in the way of the team. 

Kris leans back and pulls Sid against his side, wondering what it would be like if they weren't NHL players. If they'll ever be able to relax and have a normal life. 

That final thought leads him to think of Sid that morning, talking about Adrian. What if they could have a son like any other couple. One that looked like Kris and played hockey and was loved by his two dads. Should he even be thinking of that? They were NHL stars in the closet, how was that a place to raise a kid?

Kris keeps the thoughts to himself as they get off them plane. Sid doesn't need his worries on top of everything else.


	28. Chapter 28

Kris' mind doesn't stop going over his conversation with Bryan for the rest of the flight. Even after, as they check into the hotel and Kris absently follows Sid to his room, his mind is thinking about all the what ifs. 

It's pointless, he knows. There's no reason to busy his mind with hypotheticals, especially when they're very careful about being too close in public. But his mind doesn't listen, it just goes over scenario after scenario, the different ways to complicate their career with their love life. 

Sid invites him in, only until Pascal gets there, but Kris still isn't as present as he should be. Its like he needs to be thinking about it right now, so his brain won't let him forget it.

"Sorry that I'm distracted, I didn't sleep well," Kris says, before Sid even asks. Maybe he wouldn't have.

"Go get some sleep, we're all going out later," Sid advises. Kris can tell it's his capitan voice and not his boyfriend voice and does as he says, sighing loudly as he slinks out of the bed.

Kris is able to shut his mind off for a couple hours, enough to get some sleep in. They're in Montreal, so it's tradition for the whole team to go drinking since there are a few underagers on the squad. Bryan being one of them.

Kris thinks it will be cool to drink with Bryan, to see how he is on an off day without the burden of being an NHL rookie on his shoulders. Even though they have a game the next night, management doesn't seem to mind their "team bonding" times in Montreal. They've done it since Kris has been on the team, probably before but Mario would never admit to anything. 

More than anything, Kris was happy to see Sid encouraging him to go. It meant that Sid wanted to go, which meant he might just be feeling better these days. It was a hopeful thought, one Kris wanted to be true.

\----------

Kris woke up to pounding on his door that could only be from either police trying to arrest him or a hockey player wanting to drink. Since Kris hadn't broken any laws, he assumed the latter and quickly grabbed his coat and wallet.

They went to their usual pub, out of the way enough it was nearly empty but not enough that it was dangerous or too french for the non-locals. They piled into a booth and manouvered a table to fit the rest of the team comfortably. Then the beer and endless pub grub started flowing.

Since being out as Sid's boyfriend, Kris loved that Geno and the other bachelors no longer felt the need to hook Kris up for the night. All those times he lied about picking up women, gave some drunk puck bunnies cab fare instead of bringing them up stairs, it was nice to be free. Geno made some jokes about the old days, but not enough to trigger anyone's radar. It felt safe.

Kris was pretty happy and started to relax into the booth, sitting opposite Sid to prevent any unintentional touching in public. It was nice, refreshing, almost, to be in his home town and not have to worry.

He felt bad once he noticed Geno strategizing with Bryan, though. The poor kid was doomed and could easily pick up any woman in the bar if he wanted to... But Kris didn't think that was the case. Not if the discomfort on the rookies face had anything to say about it.

"What's wrong, no enough hot girls to turn you down?" Marc jokes, slapping Bryan on the back as he exits from under Geno's wing, a failed but truly valiant attempt to escape the large Russian. Seeing a guy over 6'3 cower to Geno was always amusing because Geno is the biggest puppy dog on the team, but intimidates none the less.

"A-actually," Bryan starts, glancing over to Sid and Kris before he continues and Kris knows what's happening right away. Without reacting, he listens, in a déjà vu kind of way, as Bryan tells the team he's gay. It isn't as dramatic as when Sid and Kris came out, but it's apparently more shocking because everyone is suddenly silent. 

Kris thinks for a minute, if that means the guys had an inkling that he and Sid were gay before they came out, but that's quickly passed up for the more likely excuse of a rookie having the balls to come out to a group of easily excitable males who play a game for a living. His second idea seems to be right because, moments after, the guys are smiling and joking with him and Bryan's smiling like a kid on Christmas. It must feel good, Kris could tell Bryan was having a bit of trouble with the concept of being gay and in the NHL. It's a lot different from minors, yet somehow minors felt worse. At least for Kris. 

Even before Kris and Sid got together, Kris felt a lot better about who he was. He was expected to hook up with chicks and be all macho, but nobody called him in just being himself. A lot of it seemed to be because he could play off being French as a reason, but it didn't matter. All the young guys on the team were a little quirky. In the minors, you were expected to show your macho. Be the manliest you could, chest puffed out and the like. None of that here, Kris thinks as he watches Cooke dance against Kunitz in what was probably a failed attempt at being supportive... Kris apparently missed something in his whole thought process.

Sid gets up and hugs Bryan before he buys him a beer, ignoring the jokes tossed at him and Kris for 'adopting their own', and it's nice. They're getting along and bonding and it's not even that there's another gay guy, it's the fact that there's another gay guy who felt comfortable enough to come out to them. 

The rest of the night was fairly tame, but fun. They joked and talked about the season and all that. Kris walked Bryan to his room after he drank a little more than he should have. Nobody really stayed out too late, so the next morning when Dan called an early breakfast - and road breakfasts weren't optional - only about half of the guys wanted to murder him. The rest probably saw it coming. Marc had been rotating beer and water, a truly impressive feat for the goalie Kris had thought would never learn.

Nobody mentions Bryan's announcement at breakfast, but Kris doesn't think it matters much. They're all getting along and games against the Canadiens are always fun, especially when they're all worked up from the night before and a win before that. Kris actually feels good, Sid is smiling, and things are going well for them. 

When they're let go before morning skate, Kris can't help but invade Sid's space. He makes sure not to get too close or do something stupid, but he slings an arm around his captain and leans in a little. Even in the morning, Kris can tell Sid is ready to skate. His body's warm and Kris always gets a vibe when Sid is in hockey mode - Kris calls it his 'not time for sex' vibe, since the one time he attempted to start anything it landed him a very serious glare that Kris was pretty sure could kill him. Thankfully, Sid took pity on him and let him live.

Sid smiles and squeezes Kris' hand - their way of showing affection without showing it - but then he breaks them up to go get ready. Kris follows behind him, dragging his feet a little to hopefully catch a minute with Bryan.

"How do you feel?" Kris asks as he crosses over to the rookie. It's a simple question, but they both know what he's talking about.

"I thought I was going to throw up when I got up this morning, and it wasn't the drinking," Bryan admits, a slight blush spreading on his cheeks. "I feel... Weird. Like, it feels different but it doesn't. Nobody's treating me any different, but I feel different. Like I'm a new me."

"That's because you don't have to pretend anymore," Kris agrees, knowing the feeling well. 

"That's not completely true," Bryan says. Kris waits for him to continue, slowing almost to a stop. "It's great, don't get me wrong. I hate that I couldn't be myself around people who are supposed to be my second family, it's just... What I said before, I still feel like I have to hide. It's not like I can have a relationship and be normal."

Kris knew what he meant. The fact that he and Sid were together was amazing and, to his knowledge, unheard of. That didn't meant it hasn't happened before or since, but being on a team is probably the only way either could have made it work. The schedule was hectic, they couldn't bring each other to events, had to be careful about spending too much time together while spending almost none. Hell, a lot of hetero relationships didn't make it based on the schedule factor alone.

"I honestly don't have an answer for you," Kris admits, "I can only say that things have changed a lot, and hopefully it will get better and it'll happen for you. No hiding or anything."

"I felt so sure in camp, so positive that I needed to get it out there so it wouldn't catch up with me, and I feel almost worse," Bryan says, "I mean, I was talking to a guy last night but I couldn't say anything. I knew he was gay and I couldn't do it. It's not even a sex drive thing, it's just not knowing if it will ever be okay."

As they get to the dressing room door, Kris pats Bryan on the shoulder. It's not much, it's not a guarantee that things will work out or that he'll be happy, but it lets him know that he's not alone. Bryan nods and goes in ahead of Kris.

The skate goes by smoothly, though Kris is only half paying attention to what's going on. The Habs have been struggling and the Pens are doing well, so he doesn't think there's much to worry about. 

He does notice that Bryan might be a step or two behind his usual self. On their way back, he asks if Bryan wants to come to his room for a bit, since Sid has his pre-game stuff to go through, it might be nice to talk before the game. Bryan agrees and they shower and head back.

They chat a little on their way to the room, but nothing is really said until they get inside. Bryan sits back on Kris' bed and Kris pulls up a chair. They talk for a good hour before Bryan leaves to get ready for the game. Kris isn't sure if he solved anything for Bryan, but he can only hope things get better for him.

Kris takes his phone and sends Sid a quick "less than three" text, a lame and obvious code that only works because of plausible deniability. Though, if he's honest the pictures Kris has of him and Sid out together on his phone the deniability falls short. After all, two grown men rarely cross arms while drinking cheap bottles of wine... Well, Jordy might do that, but it's clear their team isn't the shining example of normal, three gay guys aside.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Press isn't alway good press.

Sid is beyond exhausted by the time they get home. He kisses Kris and pulls his shirt off, but they immediately fall into a cuddle of stray limbs and he's just happy to be touching his boyfriend after having to behave for so long. 

Kris smiles into Sid's neck, absently playing with Sid's curly hair before settling in for the night, arm pulling Sid tightly against him. He feels a stir in his groin, but his body shuts him down, too tired to bother getting the least bit involved.

Sid would have said he was having a good sleep if he hadn't woken up to consistent pounding on the front door.

Sid throws on a shirt and walks down stairs, half asleep. His heart skips a beat when he opens the door to see Bryan standing at the door, eyes red and puffy. 

"What happened?" Sid asks, stepping aside to let him in. 

"I-I'm so sorry," Bryan chokes out. Sid pulls up a chair and asks him to sit down. 

"Tell me what happened?" Sid asks again.

Before Bryan can answer, Kris comes down stairs. "My mom just called and asked if I was cheating on you with a rookie," he tells Sid, looking at Bryan, "What's going on?"

"Bryan?" Sid asks trying not to sound angry at the implication. There must be an explanation, Kris would never.

"That's why I came," Bryan answers. "I don't know what happened. They-they have pictures of us, Kris and I. And it's not like they're anything, but they wrote- they wrote that we were together."

"What do you mean wrote? Where?" Kris asks. 

Bryan pulls out his phone and passes it to Sid. Kris looks over his shoulder. There are pictures of Kris and Bryan from the road trip, some outside and some at the hotel. It's not until Sid's eyes are drawn to the title that he clues in. "Sparks Fly for Two Penguins" is hardly a creative title, but it says all Sid needs to know. "Why?"

"We were together a lot on the trip, maybe someone heard at the bar or when we were talking," Bryan suggests. The poor kid looks sick and Sid wishes he had something to say, but he's speechless. How could the article be spot on and miss majorly at the same time?

"What do we do?" Kris asks. 

"I don't know," Sid shrugs. "Do we get people involved? I mean, they're going to read it."

"I never wanted this to happen. I would never do that to you guys," Bryan starts crying again. 

"It's okay," Sid tries, "I mean, I don't know if it's okay, but we know. It's not your fault."

"I think we should call Mario. He might have a better idea how to handle this," Kris suggests.

"Why did they jump to gay?" Sid asks, "I mean, lots of players hang out. What makes this any different?"

"It might be my fault," Bryan offers, "I was out to some players before and I know of a few who weren't overly supportive. I don't think they'd out me, but if they got enough to start rumours that could get me traded or targeted, maybe?"

"And Kris is just collateral damage?" Sid snaps, but regrets it immediately. "Look, I'm sorry. I just don't know what we're going to do. I mean, the team can release a statement or contact the writers about false accusations, but you'd have to deny the whole thing. It would mean denying being gay and if you intend on ever coming out, it would come right back up."

"Sid's right, Bryan. We can't exactly ignore it and hope nobody notices," Kris agrees. "I'm not trying to gang up on you, but this involves all of us now. And I honestly don't know what to do,"

"What if I come out, say that it was used against me and my teammate, who I have never been involved with romantically? It's not lying but it leaves you out of it," Bryan suggests. 

Sid hears the words, but doesn't let them sink in. His mind is racing again as he pictures his family, Kris' family, all the press tearing them apart. He wonders if they'll make it. He's had thoughts before, if Sid was too needy or too much drama for Kris to handle. What would they do with press hounding them, fan reactions, even the team. 

"Hey," Kris' voice brings Sid back. He blinks and Bryan looks freaked out. Fuck, Sid thinks. He's doing it again. Getting all weird and messed up. 

"Bryan, can you give us a minute? It's okay, I just need to talk to Sid alone," Kris asks. Bryan nods and steps outside. Kris turns back to Sid and wraps his arms around Sid's slumped shoulders. "We'll get through this," he whispers in Sid's ear. "I love you so fucking much, even if we have to come out and tell everyone we love each other and tell them I would never dream of cheating on the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, and that the whole gossip thing is just juvenile bullshit they should be ashamed of going forward with, I'll do it proudly."

"I love you too," Sid answers. "I'm just worried what will happen if we come out. The first gay hockey players all on the same team," he asks.

"We are far from the first gay hockey players, but I know what you mean. It might not happen, but if it does it'll be okay. Sid, you're a role model to so many kids and this would only relate you to so many more. It would let them know it's okay to be a gay athlete and okay in a serious relationship. It is possible and we can be happy, if we tell people or not."

"So what should we do?" Sid asks.

"Give Mario a call? He'll probably call Dan and Ray, whoever else," Kris suggests.

"Maybe we could bring Bryan back inside?" Sid smiles. The small smile warms Kris' heart, happy to see Sid relax into an honest smile.

Kris waves Bryan in and calls Mario to tell him what happened. Mario comes over less than half an hour later, legal pad in hand with notes from what Kris is sure are his many lawyer and PR friends.

"Sorry," Bryan says, bowing his head down at Mario. Sid thinks about what Mario must be thinking. He knows he would never think anything bad of them, but it's a lot to take in. 

"You didn't do anything. None of you did," Mario answers, seriously. "Look, I'm not going to lie and say it will go away. But it doesn't have to be this big scandal they want it to be if we handle it right."

"What do you suggest?" Sid asks. He feels like he's ten again, looking to his father for hockey advice after a loss. It's a horrible feeling, but looking at Mario across from him instead of his father is oddly a lot more comfortable. 

Sid is actually surprised he hasn't had a call from his father, an I told you so or something. His sister sent him a text asking if it was true, which he replied a quick no. She just replied with a heart. No more needed to be said. If only media was that easy. 

"I like Bryan's idea, excluding you from the topic, but I'm not sure it will end there. Questions will come up, about Bryan being gay. Sid, they'll ask you if you knew and how you feel about it, they'll hound Kris to see why he is single or how he feels being involved in rumours about his sexuality. We can restrict press to hockey, but it could make things worse than dealing with it right away," Mario explains. "To be honest, you have to make the decision yourselves, but we support you fully. I can give you advice, but in the end it's up to you what you're willing to go with. I understand if neither of you want to be out, and there is a way to do that. We could issue a statement saying the rumours involving your relationship are false and despite being an open and accepting organization, we don't pander to speculation or allegations brought on by hate or disrespect and wish to provide no further commentary on the situation, something like that. PR will dress it up better."

"I like that," Bryan agrees. Sid nods and looks to Kris. 

"It's better than being forced out or lying," Kris agrees. "I want to eventually be out, but not like this."

Mario nods. "I'll send you a draft before it goes out," he says, getting up. "And guys, you're brave boys and I couldn't be happier to have you on my team," he continues as they talk him to the door. "All of you," he adds loudly, looking at Bryan, still slouching and staring at the floor. 

"We dodged a bullet," Kris whispers in Sid's neck as they walk back to the living room. 

"Bryan, did you want to stay over? I doubt we'll get back to sleep and it might be good to be together when all this goes down," Sid offers. Kris nods, resting his chin on Sid's shoulder. He smiles softly at Bryan. It must be hard, all this shoved in his face.

Bryan agrees and they stay up watching movies. Sid falls asleep at some point, leaving Kris with soft snores in his ear. He slides Sid down to rest on the couch instead of him. That's when he notices Bryan watching them. 

"Is Lemieux always that nice?" Bryan asks, looking away.

"Since I've known him," Kris nods. "I mean, Sid lived with for ages, don't think he'd do that for just anyone." 

"There were rumours," Bryan starts, "not rumours, but jokes, about Sid staying with Mario."

Kris can't stop the glare on his face for a moment, "I don't want you to say that to Sid," he replies. Bryan nods.


	30. Chapter 30

They get the draft of the letter from Mario around 10:30. They've decided to otherwise avoid phones and electronic devices for the next day or so. They put a block on all non-team calls after explaining the situation to any family and friends who needed to know.

The statement hits press before noon. They've been glued to sports news stations since they got their draft, waiting reaction and not really wanting to face it at the same time. 

"One day after a tabloid magazine released a story suggesting two members of the Pittsburgh Penguins were in a relationship, the team has followed up with a statement, which reads 'The Pittsburgh Penguins organization would like to plainly address the false rumours regarding Mr. Laden and Mr. Letang. While the organization prides itself on supportive of all of its players and staff, regardless of background or orientation, we do not pander to speculation or allegations brought on by hate or disrespect to anyone. The rumours in question are only being addressed to avoid distraction for the team and players involved, and we wish to provide no further commentary on the situation.' The statement denies the rumours with a cold shoulder to the writer of the original story, which came from an anonymous source."

"Could be worse," Kris shrugs as he mutes the TV. He knows it's just the beginning, especially when it gets on the web sites where people can comment. Still, it's a start.

"I really am sorry," Bryan says again. Sid almost rolls his eyes, but he gets it. He wouldn't want to put anyone in that situation, either. It's why he never wants to ask Kris to come out. Kris would do it gladly, only because he asked, not because it's what he wants. Nobody wants that much attention.

Even though the statement is out there, resolving the problem at hand, Sid still feels depressed. His skin doesn't feel right and he's wondering if he's having an anxiety attack in slow motion. Which pretty much explains most of them, but this feels different. It feels like the end. 

"End of what?" Kris asks, frowning at the blanched expression Sid has. 

"Out loud?" Sid mouths to himself, "I just feel a little tired."

"Are you sure? I can leave, if you want," Bryan suggests. 

"No, you should stay. Stay with Kris. I'm going to have a nap, though," Sid assures them.

"Are you sure, Sid? I can come up," Kris offers.

"No, that's fine. I won't be too long, anyway," Sid assures them.

Sid heads up stairs, leave the other two slightly confused, but accepting. Kris offers Bryan a beer, despite it only being afternoon.

"This isn't messing things up for you two, is it?" Bryan asks after they finally sit down.

Kris looks over to the stairs. It's a question he's thought about, but knows they'll get past this. His only worry isn't about them, but Sid's anxiety. "No."

"About what I said before, being stuck, I didn't mean it. I think you being together is amazing, even if you can't come out," Bryan offers, avoiding a silence.

Kris smiles. It does make him feel better about not being out. He couldn't deny that this kind of seemed like a missed opportunity to come out as a couple, be he knows he's just kidding himself.

"I know it's different than straight guys, but it's not like everyone knows who they're all dating and when. I hate that it’s so different for us. I mean, I get the mentor thing - showing we’re not ashamed of who we are, and I’m not, Sid’s not. You aren’t ashamed either, but when we talk about telling people all I can think about is how much Sid deals with. I just don't know if his anxiety can take it," Kris explains.

"Take what?" Sid asks. Bryan slides away from Kris, as if their closeness was a bad thing. Kris ignores it and smiles at Sid. “What were you talking about?”

“We were talking about coming out, how unfair it is that straight guys don’t have to go through media publications if someone found out they were dating,” Kris explains. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Sid shrugs, “I changed my mind.” 

"Beer?" Bryan offers. 

Sid shakes his head, but sits down between them again. Kris' warmth is calming. He curls in just a little, hoping it's not too obvious.

"When do you think we can turn on our phones?" Bryan asks.

"It would look weird if we didn't go to practice," Kris shrugs. "Maybe we leave them off until after?"

Sid pulls his phone out and makes a call, ignoring the questioning stares from his teammates. "Hi Nat, is Mario around?" 

Even speaking English to Nathalie or Mario's kids, his French accent comes out. Something Bryan has probably never noticed, but Kris can't help but melt a little inside whenever he falls into the slight growl of French.

"You really love him, don't you?" Bryan smiles.

"I've never been more in love," Kris agrees. 

Sid asks about what's going to happen, media wise, but Mario doesn't have an answer. They don't have to answer any questions not related to hockey. 

"So we're on our own, basically," Bryan rolls his eyes. He knows there's not much they can do, but he wishes there was a better chance of him not being asked if he's gay or fucking someone on the team. Kris probably feels the same. 

Bryan can't get a good read on Sid. He's too far in his own head, all Bryan can tell is that Sid isn't overly thrilled with the situation. 

"Don't apologize," Sid says, out of nowhere. "You looked like you were about to apologize. Don't. You didn't do anything."

Bryan shrugs. "When do we leave?"

"Uh, should we leave together? It might be weird," Kris points out. It means not going with Sid, either. Not when there's this much at risk. He kisses Sid, wrapping his arms around him to steal a few more seconds. "See you at the rink?"

Sid smiles and nods. He's always early, so today should be no different. After all, the big media huff wasn't even about him. 

The empty seat beside him feels wrong, but he understands. They didn't drive in together all the time, anyway, nor did they have to spend every moment together. The only reason it felt so weird was that the space needed to be there.


End file.
